BEST OF THE WEEK

The Wall Street Journal reports that spies have been infiltrating American water and power grids, leaving behind software that could wreck all of our systems. The software is called Microsoft Vista.

There’s a new spray that can prolong how long men can have sex by 600%. But it works by numbing the penis so you can’t feel anything. That’s like saying you can extend a gourmet meal by 600% -- just spray the food with manure.

In England yesterday, a Brazilian woman was denied entry to the country because her suitcase only had lingerie and t-shirts. Yeah, that’s why they stopped me too.

Dave Arneson, one of the founders of the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons died yesterday. He is survived by his daughter, physical proof that he was the only player of Dungeons & Dragons to ever get laid.

The big hit at the box office this weekend was the Hannah Montana movie. Exit polling showed that 80 percent of the audience were female, 15% were extremely dazed fathers, and 5% were registered sex offenders.

Hugh Jackman says that he’s “heartbroken” over the release of the new Wolverine movie on the internet. Literally, when he heard the news, he reached into someone’s chest and pulled out their heart.

Newly released records show that the president of Russia owns two parking places. That’s not impressive. I own at least ten parking spaces -- if you count my lawn. When my cousin comes over, you can sometimes count my living room.

Today, Chris Brown pleaded not guilty to charges that he assaulted Rihanna. Later it became clear that he misunderstood -- he just meant that he doesn’t feel guilty about it.