1. Two guys in Boston are being called heroes for catching a baby falling from a third-story window. But who’s NOT going to do that? [bored voice] “Is that a baby falling?” “Yup. [pause] Too bad I’m holding this beer.” Now there’s a hero.
2. A new study shows that Subway sandwiches are some of the healthiest fast food. But one problem is that they create a health halo. Can we see one of those? [Show picture of Richard Simmons with a halo around his head.] Yeah, those take a long time to go away.
3. Pistol Pete, the mascot of New Mexico State has been suspended for fighting with the mascot from Utah State. It was the worst mascot on mascot violence since the great Rotisserie Incident of ‘98. [Show photo of the San Diego Chicken being roasted by the Philly Monster.]
4. Now it looks like General Motors is going to go bankrupt. Some auto execs are upset because the government won’t tell them exactly how much they’re willing to pay them. Yeah, now you know how we feel trying to buy a car! “Tell you what we’re going to do…”
5. Scientists now say that they can create huge amounts of HIV medicine with tobacco plants. This means tobacco farmers are teaming with doctors for the first time since the 1950s Camels ads.
No comments:
Post a Comment