1. The Pope has held his first giant mass in Africa. [Show doctored photo of Pope hugging enormous African man.] That Nigerian man weighed at least 500 pounds. That is one giant mass.
2. Did you hear about this newborn baby who got abandoned on a flight to New Zealand? I didn’t even know that was a stop on this tour by Britney Spears. The airline released a statement saying that it was relieved to say that the baby had been reunited with its mother. Really? I don’t think the kid’s relieved. Actually, I think the airline is relieved, because they didn’t want to have to raise the child. He would have become a legend, roaming the air -- Sky Baby.
3. I notice there are never any quotes from AIG employees who got the bonuses. That’s because they’re all in witness relocation.
4. In Milwaukee, some jewel thieves were running away from the store, and they got robbed out on the sidewalk. Now that’s a tough neighborhood. “Look at those guys robbing that store! At least they’ll have money. Let’s get ‘em!”
5. A new report says that more babies were born in 2007 than any other year in American history. And that was before Octomom.
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