1. According to scientists, salt on Mars might be melting ice and creating pools of water. Well, let me tell you, if my neighbor ran Mars, there would be no pools of water. That dick never salts his sidewalk.
2. Obama’s press conference last night preempted American Idol again. Republicans jumped on this as yet another sign that Obama doesn’t care about democracy. American Idol is the highest-functioning democracy in this country!
3. A new study says that eating red meat every day can increase your risk of death. Well, good to know that billions around the world don’t have to worry about that! They can’t even afford red meat!
4. U.S. home sales have been climbing at their fastest rate in 10 months. Though unfortunately, that’s only because the government is now counting bird cages. “Move over, Polly! Daddy’s your new roommate.”
5. The world’s largest model railway has been built in Germany. It has six miles of track and 700 trains. So this is what people do when they get laid off. They spent half a million hours on fake public transportation. Meanwhile, we’re raising rates because no one is working on real public transportation. This might be part of the problem.
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