1. Researchers in Sweden are very excited about a chimpanzee that planned stone attacks on zoo visitors. I bet they’re going to get a lot of school trips now, huh? [horrified teacher:] “Oh my god, Tommy got hit by a rock!” [scientist:] “That’s fantastic!” No, apparently, the attacks show that chimpanzees can plan for the future, and not just live in the present moment, which puts them one step ahead of most people on Wall Street. I hear the chimp’s already planning to write a book of financial advice. “Who Took My Stones?” Chapter Two is about how to aim them at the heads of bank CEOs. His main advice -- get them while they’re getting into their taxpayer-funded chauffeured cars.
2. Russia is now the world’s top consumer of heroin. Most of it comes from Afghanistan. This is how the Afghans are getting back at Russia for invading them in the ‘80s. In the States, we have beer and cigarettes, coffee and cigarettes -- in Russia, they do vodka and heroin. Isn’t vodka enough? They have to find more ways to kill themselves.
3. The International Monetary Fund has announced that it predicts a global recession. Aren’t we already IN a global recession? These guys really like to go out on a limb, huh? I hear they’re also predicting Barack Obama will be president.
4. Nanotechnology has now been developed that targets cancer cells. Cancer cells scoop up packages of genes that then destroy the cancer cells from the inside. Like subprime mortgages. They’re calling the packages “Chris Browns”.
5. And the giant bank Citigroup announced that it actually made a profit over the last two months. However, the news was somewhat mitigated by learning that the profit mostly came from selling employee blood.
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