BEST OF THE WEEK

A town in New Jersey said Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi can’t set up his tent there. However, the town said the tent would be okay if Glenn Beck visited, because then it would technically be a circus.

Someone is suing Bank of America for (true) “1,784 billion trillion dollars”. A professor at New York University said: “These are the kind of numbers you deal with only on a cosmic scale.” He then added: “Or counting calories at the Cheesecake Factory.”

Former “One Day at a Time” star Mackenzie Phillips says when she had sex with Mick Jagger, he locked the door and told her, “I’ve been waiting for this since you were 10 years old.” Which is actually only #47 on the list of ‘Creepiest Things Mick Jagger Has Ever Said’. #19 is “Now, finally, you’re 11.” #35 is “I enjoy sex with pregnant women, because it’s like having a threesome.”

Yesterday, President Obama went on five networks to talk about healthcare – CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, and… Univision? You’re trying to convince people that your healthcare plan doesn’t help illegal immigrants, and instead of Fox, you go on a Spanish-language network? That’s like having your manhood questioned, but instead of defending it at a local NASCAR event, you do it at the premiere of the new “Twilight” movie.

Today, President Obama shook hands with the governor of New York, David Paterson, which helped defuse reports that Obama isn’t happy with Paterson’s polling numbers. However, when Obama left, he gave Paterson a kiss.

In Britain, a house made of Legos is at risk of being torn down, because the Legoland theme park has refused to buy it. The demolition company, called Masters of Mayhem (also known as “MOM”), says the house has to be removed from the living room table by dinner time. The architect says he might call Legoland again and ask for another operator.

Have you seen the posters for the new Courtney Cox TV show “Cougar Town”? It’s supposed to be about a woman who dates much younger men, but her face is so airbrushed and botoxed that she’d have to be dating 10-year-olds.

Microsoft stores are hiring away Apple store workers by offering higher salaries. So now maybe they can afford some of Apple’s products.

In Oregon, 26 biker gang members had a pile-up on a highway. Considering this is 2009, most of the injuries were arthritis-related. Police report that five of the bikers had been mixing Jack Daniels with their Metamucil.

Sarah Palin gave a speech to wealthy investors in Hong Kong yesterday. The organizer invited her so that the investors would keep their money in Hong Kong. “We were thinking about putting our money in the U.S., but after Palin’s speech, we changed our mind.”

Yesterday, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi was scheduled to speak at the United Nations for 15 minutes, but instead went on for 96 minutes, talking about swine flu being a conspiracy, Israel killing JFK, and promoting his own website. Afterwards, Fox News offered him a talk show.

A Russian billionaire is the new owner of the New Jersey Nets basketball team. He bought a pro sports team because, after watching Vladimir Putin, he wants to try the next-closest thing to being a dictator.

A jury decided that the federal government is not responsible for harmful fumes in the trailer home of a Louisiana family. Apparently, the plaintiff’s daughter was just using the trailer as a nail salon.

A woman in Ohio has given birth to another couple’s baby after getting the wrong embryo at a fertility clinic. Isn’t this how horror movies begin? I’m not sure if we’ve seen a miracle or the birth of the Antichrist.

Women at an espresso stand near Seattle were arrested for stripping while making coffee. You see, that would never happen with male baristas, because they would never risk making steaming hot coffee while naked.