BEST OF THE WEEK

A new report says the living conditions of guards at the U.S. embassy in Afghanistan are like ‘Lord of the Flies’. White House officials called the report a major breakthrough. “This is great! The rest of the country is like ‘Mad Max’.”

Typical daily schedule for Eddie Perez, mayor of Hartford:
6AM: Wake up
8AM: Surrender to police
8:30AM: Arrive at office
10AM: Surrender to police
12:30PM: Lunch
3PM: Karaoke. Favorite song: “Sweet Surrender”
5PM: Leave office
6PM: Surrender to call girl wearing police uniform
7PM: Dinner
8PM: Surrender, Dorothy
11PM: Surrender to sleep
3AM: Surrender to SWAT team coming through windows

A flight from Bangladesh to London was delayed 10 hours because every one of the plane’s five toilets were plugged up. According to the airline, the main problem was that too many of the passengers had eaten in Bangladesh. Though to be honest, this problem usually occurs when flying the other way from London.

The Today Show is hiring Jenna Bush as a reporter, continuing the Bush tradition of getting jobs without having shown any particular competence. Some people wonder if she’ll be able to wake up that early, but it will actually be the last thing she does before going to bed.

Whitney Houston has a new album called “I Look to You”. The long-delayed album was originally scheduled before her divorce from Bobby Brown, when the title was “I Look at You and Wonder What the Hell I Was Thinking”.

The drug company Pfizer has been fined $2.3 billion for saying its drugs could do things that haven't been approved by regulators. For example, it said the anti-psychotic drug Geodon could also stop the CIA from transmitting messages to your brain. “Either way – you’ll feel better.”

An ad by the clothing maker American Apparel has been banned because its semi-nude model looks under 16. In response, nervous film-makers cancelled an upcoming nude scene by Shia Labeouf.

Two newspapers in Bangladesh mistakenly published a fake news article from the Onion that said Neil Armstrong admitted the Moon landings were a hoax. It was the biggest mistake the newspapers had made since publishing NASA’s original hoax 40 years ago.

In Illinois, a boy kidnapped two years ago was found alive hidden behind a wall. Of course, it’s very common in Illinois to find people behind walls (especially in the governor’s mansion), but they’ve never been alive before. The child apparently belonged to the Duggar family, but no one even noticed he was missing until this week.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are going to have their 19th child. 19th! In related news, Ms. Duggar’s uterus has petitioned Amnesty International to be freed from slave labor conditions.

A new study says women are genetically much more likely than men to have a fear of spiders and snakes. Or as my girlfriend likes to call it: common sense.

The new Smart Choices nutritional program has decided that mayonnaise and Fudgsicles are healthy (true). Very surprisingly, the program was developed by food manufacturers. It was adapted from the nutrition label system in China, where it’s all about how long food takes to kill you. “Mayonnaise can take years!”

A new study says Chicago is America’s most stressful city. One expert said that people in Chicago should change their environment by going to a Cubs game (true). Yeah, like being a Cubs fan is going to lower your stress.

The White House released a photo of President Obama’s daughter Sasha sneaking up on him at work. There was also video footage: