5/19

1. Volunteers have removed 150 tons of trash from the coast of L.A. County. I had no idea there were that many tons of paparazzi. Maybe this is why California will sink into the ocean.

2. An alleged Islamic terrorist has been arrested in Colorado. Apparently he’s been working with environmental terrorists to create a “clean bomb”. Instead of the nuclear waste of “dirty” bombs, clean bombs will spray used herbal tea bags.

3. A man in North Carolina inhaled a piece of plastic into his lungs while drinking a fast-food soda. He said (true): “I like to take big gulps of drink. I don’t know of any other ways of getting it in there.” Well, this obviously isn’t as efficient as you think if you’re getting things into non-digestive organs.

4. The man who said that he fathered the child of John Edwards’s mistress now says that Edwards is the real father. That’s like Megan Fox admitting that she’s not much of a reader. We already know.

5. In Taiwan, a 96-year-old man has been sentenced to three months in jail for illegally living in a place that was not his own, though technically it was his body.