BEST OF THE WEEK

A minister in Ukraine said Elton John cannot adopt a boy there. “The only time a Ukrainian can be legally adopted by a 62-year-old single British man is if she’s a mail-order bride.”

Turkey’s Sultan Kosen is now the world’s tallest man -- eight feet one inch. He says it’s been hard to find a wife, because women are scared of his height. Actually, I don’t think they’re scared of his height, but the probable size of other parts of him.

The Senate passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns. “Amtrak -- See America up close. So you can get a better shot.”

The CEO of pro wrestling’s World Wrestling Entertainment is going to run for the Senate, because she says “Washington is out of control”. Washington is out of control? Now there's a wake-up call. That's like Stephenie Meyer saying your book has unrealistic male characters. I think the CEO has been watching some of these healthcare town halls and has ideas for charging tickets. Or maybe she wants to recruit Rep. Joe Wilson.

In an off-the-record interview that accidentally got released, President Obama called Kanye West a “jackass”. Said former President Bush, “Now he’s getting the hang of this thing!”

Last night, scientist Brian Drucker received the prestigious Lasker Award for his work with leukemia. However, the evening was marred when Dr. Drucker’s acceptance speech was interrupted by Kanye West, who said the award should have gone to research on impulse control and Douchebag Syndrome.

Former President Jimmy Carter said racism is behind attacks on Obama’s healthcare reform. “It’s just like when they did the exact same thing to Bill Clinton… wait a minute.”

Some scientists say people who shower too much are getting harmful bacteria in their lungs. Who are taking these showers? Mermaids? Rule number one of showering should be: “Don’t breathe the water.”

The Federal Reserve wants to restrict the pay of any bank employee whose job is risky for the bank’s survival. Especially the people who make the little pen chains. Because if they don’t do their job, people will steal the pens, and it will be chaos!

New York is now debating a tax on soda. Except for Mountain Dew, because it is, technically, classified as a paint thinner.

Volunteers have removed 150 tons of trash from the coast of L.A. County. I had no idea there were that many tons of paparazzi. Maybe this is why California will sink into the ocean.

President Obama has cancelled missile defense bases in Poland and the Czech Republic. Former President Bush originally put them there to protect their sausage and beer, but Obama is going to put the bases in Italy to protect the world’s arugula.

An alleged Islamic terrorist has been arrested in Colorado. Apparently he’s been working with environmental terrorists to create a “clean bomb”. Instead of the nuclear waste of “dirty” bombs, clean bombs will spray used herbal tea bags.