9/18

1. The Federal Reserve wants to restrict the pay of any bank employee whose job is risky for the bank’s survival. Especially the people who make the little pen chains. Because if they don’t do their job, people will steal the pens, and it will be chaos!

2. New York is now debating a tax on soda. Except for Mountain Dew, because it is, technically, classified as a paint thinner.

3. In Millville, New Jersey, police discovered three-foot-tall marijuana plants growing in one of the city’s lamppost flower baskets. The city’s park and recreation department says it doesn’t know how they got there. Maybe they were taking the “recreation” part of the department very seriously. And three feet tall? How often does the department check those baskets? That’s like the transportation department saying they didn’t know about the cocaine at the bottom of a twenty-foot pothole.

4. Surgeons in Florida restored a woman’s sight by implanting a tooth in her eye. The only problem is that she can’t look at eye candy anymore, because they don’t make brushes small enough to fit through her pupil.

5. Baseball umpires have accused L.A. Angels coaches of being extremely aggressive after a game. The umpires left the field through the Angels' locker room and the coaches thought the umpires were calling too many foul balls. “Hey, we haven’t showered yet!”