1. Last night, scientist Brian Drucker received the prestigious Lasker Award for his work with leukemia. However, the evening was marred when Dr. Drucker’s acceptance speech was interrupted by Kanye West, who said the award should have gone to research on impulse control and Douchebag Syndrome.
2. A minister in Ukraine said Elton John cannot adopt a boy there, because he is single and too old. “The only time a Ukrainian can be adopted by a single British man more than 45 years older is if she’s a mail-order bride.”
3. A Tibetan mastiff was sold for $582,000 over the weekend, making it the most expensive dog ever. When told how much he was sold for, the record-breaking dog licked his genitals and yawned. The dog was sold to a Chinese woman, showing that the Tibetan mastiff is roughly 500,000 times more valuable to Chinese people than the average Tibetan human.
4. China is angry because the U.S. has put tariffs on Chinese tires. In retaliation, China put a tariff on American spare tires coming over for cheap liposuction.
5. A 107-year-old woman in Malaysia is worried that her 37-year-old husband may leave her after he gets treated for drug addiction. Yes, because if he married a 107-year-old, I assume he’s been abusing LSD.
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