1. An infielder for the Texas Rangers baseball team, Omar Vizguel, plans to learn bullfighting during the offseason. If I was a base runner, that would worry me. “Looks like Johnson is trying to stretch that single into a double! Ohhhh, Vizguel stabbed him in the shoulders with a sword. That’s gotta hurt. But at least Johnson’s corpse will be donated to the poor.”
2. Today, Starbucks will begin selling packages of instant coffee. Since recent losses have convinced them that they can't open any more stores, they’re opening outlets right in your frigging kitchen. Starbucks’s plan is to eventually go into dentistry, so you can get Starbucks Tooth Cap-Uccinos that blast espresso shots straight down your throat.
3. Paul Newman’s daughter said that he enjoyed being on Richard Nixon’s enemies list. He also liked playing practical jokes – for example, when a friend stole his gin, Newman went into the man’s office with a chainsaw and cut his desk in half. That seems like overkill. Maybe this is why he was on Nixon’s enemy list. “Nixon took some of my jelly beans? Well, how about I get some jokers to break into Democrat offices and blame the whole thing on him! Ha! He’ll love that.”
4. Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig are being praised for staying in character while asking an audience member to turn off his cell phone during their Broadway show. The audience member was also praised for the way he stayed in character as a douchebag.
5. The EPA is planning a new fuel efficiency measurement for electric cars, because “miles per gallon” doesn’t fit anymore. The Chevy Volt gets 230 miles per gallon? Yeah, my bicycle gets five million miles per gallon – just put a gallon in the basket and leave it there forever.
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