A man in New York is going to donate his 40th gallon of blood this week. He’s one of only two men to ever do that. However, he was a little angry to learn that all the blood has gone to Keith Richards.
In a new online version of the game Monopoly, players can sabotage each other by building wind farms. Wind farms. If you’d like to play, just write to Global Monopoly, c/o Exxon. Not to be confused with Exxon’s normal business division, which is also called Global Monopoly.
In Ohio, a man robbed a woman, then came back a couple hours later to ask her for a date. What was his first line? “Let me take you out to dinner. Your treat.” or “Your father must have been a thief… because I met him in prison.”
Van Jones, the White House’s green jobs czar, resigned after the media discovered he had signed a 9/11 Truth petition and supported communism. Said the White House: “After an extremely thorough background check, we think there will be zero controversy about our next green jobs czar -- Louis Farrakhan.”
In France, some scientists believe that toxic gas from rotting seaweed might have caused a couple recent deaths. However, other scientists believe that French beachgoers just need to shower more. “What’s that smell?” “Oh, it must be the seaweed.”
McDonald’s lost an eight-year legal battle to stop a Malaysian restaurant from using the name 'McCurry'. The main difference between the two is that McCurry serves fish heads in curry (true), while McDonald’s only uses fish heads for its hamburger meat.
For the first time, Tyra Banks is going to appear on her TV show with completely natural hair – no wigs, extensions, or other effects. Here’s a photo.
A state lawmaker from Southern California has been caught on tape bragging about sex with female lobbyists. That’s like bragging about the hot stripper you met at a club. She’s not giving you a lap dance because she likes you. He said (true): “Oh yeah, I could tell she was getting into it.” Sure, if by “it”, you mean “your wallet/vote”. Although to be fair, the lobbyists were from the CHA -- the California Hypnotists Association.
A new film reveals that a female high jumper on the 1936 German Olympic team was a man (below). He says the Nazis made him do it. Yeah, the Nazis might have planned it, but something tells me they didn’t have to try very hard to convince you.
Ellen DeGeneres is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol. Unfortunately, because federal law requires the panel to maintain the same average IQ, the other judges will have to be replaced with bowling balls.
Several Uighur prisoners at Guantanamo Bay will be sent to the Pacific Island nation of Palau. The Uighurs were able to bond with the Palauans, because they both have names that Americans can’t pronounce.
A new report says Texas has the highest percentage of people without health insurance in the United States. That’s very reckless in any state where the Bush family has driver’s licenses. Apparently, most of the uninsured feel that Texas will just put them on death row eventually anyway.
Facebook has now launched Facebook Lite, a simpler version of Facebook for developing regions that don’t have fast internet connections. For example, anywhere covered by Time Warner Cable.
The U.S. Mint is going to make a new series of quarters, all devoted to national parks. You know, the national parks have been running a bad budget deficit. Maybe we could help them by using the money we’re spending to make new frigging quarters! I understand why Coke or Nike come out with new designs, but are people not using quarters because they’re unfashionable? “Dude, fuck those ugly-ass quarters. The only coins I ever use are pennies, dimes, and gold doubloons.”
A new study says that the lowest-paid workers in America often get ripped off at work. The vast majority don’t get a full lunch break, don’t get overtime, and work off the clock. Wow, that sounds like they… work in America.
Part of a 1,000-year-long piece of music is finally going to be played live. There was some disagreement about whether it was the longest piece of music ever, but Guinness officials said it only feels like a thousand years when you listen to a Jessica Simpson album.
Sudan has jailed a woman for wearing trousers. What a backward country! Condemning a woman because of the pants she wears!
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