9/5

1. In Illinois, a boy kidnapped two years ago was found alive hidden behind a wall. Of course, it’s very common in Illinois to find people behind walls (especially in the governor’s mansion), but they’ve never been alive before. The child apparently belonged to the Duggar family, but no one even noticed he was missing until this week.

2. The Duggar family is going to have its 19th child. 19th! In related news, Ms. Duggar’s uterus has petitioned Amnesty International to be freed from slave labor conditions.

3. A new study says that women are genetically much more likely to have a fear of spiders and snakes. Or as my girlfriend likes to call it: common sense.

4. The new Smart Choices nutritional program has decided that mayonnaise and Fudgsicles are healthy (true). Very surprisingly, the program was developed by food manufacturers. It was adapted from the nutritional label system in China, where it’s all about how long food takes to kill you. “Mayonnaise can take years!”

5. Some Wall Street banks are now going to create bonds made from life insurance, so the sooner people die, the more money investors make. Literally. It used to just be indirect. The idea was developed during a workshop called: “How Can Wall Street Make Itself Seem Even More Evil?” Another program in development lets investors make money from parents abandoning their children. The picture below shows two of the main bankers building this program (true). I notice they’re wearing black. And smiling.