9/1

1. A new study says huge engineering projects could reduce global warming, though they also pose the risk of increasing people who think global warming can be solved by giant crazy gadgets. One proposal is to send one million mirrors a minute into space for the next 30 years. To get that many mirrors, scientists plan to raid the home of Simon Cowell. Other proposals are inspired by volcanoes, such as aerosols and sacrificing virgins. Suitable candidates will be found by cross-referencing people camping in line for the new “Twilight” movie with people who camped for “Harry Potter”.

2. Whitney Houston has a new album called “I Look to You”. The long-delayed album was originally scheduled before her divorce from Bobby Brown, when the title was “I Look at You and Wonder What the Hell I Was Thinking”.

3. The president of Zambia has thrown out all the monkeys living in his house, because one urinated on him a couple months ago. Obama almost did the same thing after a similar incident with reporters from Fox News.

4. Today in Poland, there are major ceremonies marking the 70th anniversary of the beginning of World War II. Unless you’re in Russia, when it began on June 22, 1941. Or the United States, when it began on December 7, 1941. Or China and Japan, when it began on July 7, 1937. Or the Czech Republic, when it began on October 1, 1938. But if you’re Polish, British, or French, World War II started today. And if you act now, you can already reserve tickets for the 200th anniversary, to be held in Fallout Shelter A7G9.

5. Luxury cars are continuing to sell well in India. Of course in a country where most people can barely afford a bicycle, the definition of “luxury car” is simply “a car”.