9/2

1. The drug company Pfizer has been fined $2.3 billion for saying its drugs could do things that haven't been approved by regulators. For example, it said the anti-psychotic drug Geodon could also stop CIA radio transmissions to tooth fillings. “Either way – you’ll feel better.”

2. An ad by the clothing maker American Apparel has been banned because its semi-nude model looks under 16. In response, nervous film-makers cancelled an upcoming nude scene by Shia Labeouf.

3. A new study says Chicago is America’s most stressful city. One expert said that people in Chicago should change their environments by going to a Cubs game (true). Yeah, like being a Cubs fan is going to lower your stress.

4. A new report says the Xbox is the least reliable video game console. In a test of consoles, the Xbox not only forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, but also had a quickie affair with the pinball cougar down the block. Which is still way more than its average user is getting.

5. A new report says the living conditions of guards at the U.S. embassy in Afghanistan are like “Lord of the Flies”. Especially on Free Pizza Day. White House officials called the results a major breakthrough. “This is great! The rest of the country is like “Mad Max”.”