1. Toyota is recalling 3.8 million cars because the gas pedals might stick. So far, there have been a strangely high number of gas pedals getting stuck while people drive towards their bosses.
2. The entertainment lineup for the Nobel Prize ceremony has been announced! It features Wyclef Jean, Toby Keith, Donna Summer, and many more musicians that the Nobel Prize winners won’t recognize.
3. Sacha Cohen’s last movie “Bruno” has been banned in Malaysia, so absolutely zero theaters will be allowed to show it. Which means slightly fewer people might see it in theaters there than in the U.S.
4. According to veterinarians, pets are living longer than ever. I know -- my goldfish is at eight years and counting, which to be honest, is just getting kind of annoying. But I don’t want to kill him, so I might have to buy a cat.
5. Google is launching a new e-mail system called Wave, because if you use it, you wave good-bye to your privacy.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
9/29
1. An infielder for the Texas Rangers baseball team, Omar Vizguel, plans to learn bullfighting during the offseason. If I was a base runner, that would worry me. “Looks like Johnson is trying to stretch that single into a double! Ohhhh, Vizguel stabbed him in the shoulders with a sword. That’s gotta hurt. But at least Johnson’s corpse will be donated to the poor.”
2. Today, Starbucks will begin selling packages of instant coffee. Since recent losses have convinced them that they can't open any more stores, they’re opening outlets right in your frigging kitchen. Starbucks’s plan is to eventually go into dentistry, so you can get Starbucks Tooth Cap-Uccinos that blast espresso shots straight down your throat.
3. Paul Newman’s daughter said that he enjoyed being on Richard Nixon’s enemies list. He also liked playing practical jokes – for example, when a friend stole his gin, Newman went into the man’s office with a chainsaw and cut his desk in half. That seems like overkill. Maybe this is why he was on Nixon’s enemy list. “Nixon took some of my jelly beans? Well, how about I get some jokers to break into Democrat offices and blame the whole thing on him! Ha! He’ll love that.”
4. Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig are being praised for staying in character while asking an audience member to turn off his cell phone during their Broadway show. The audience member was also praised for the way he stayed in character as a douchebag.
5. The EPA is planning a new fuel efficiency measurement for electric cars, because “miles per gallon” doesn’t fit anymore. The Chevy Volt gets 230 miles per gallon? Yeah, my bicycle gets five million miles per gallon – just put a gallon in the basket and leave it there forever.
2. Today, Starbucks will begin selling packages of instant coffee. Since recent losses have convinced them that they can't open any more stores, they’re opening outlets right in your frigging kitchen. Starbucks’s plan is to eventually go into dentistry, so you can get Starbucks Tooth Cap-Uccinos that blast espresso shots straight down your throat.
3. Paul Newman’s daughter said that he enjoyed being on Richard Nixon’s enemies list. He also liked playing practical jokes – for example, when a friend stole his gin, Newman went into the man’s office with a chainsaw and cut his desk in half. That seems like overkill. Maybe this is why he was on Nixon’s enemy list. “Nixon took some of my jelly beans? Well, how about I get some jokers to break into Democrat offices and blame the whole thing on him! Ha! He’ll love that.”
4. Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig are being praised for staying in character while asking an audience member to turn off his cell phone during their Broadway show. The audience member was also praised for the way he stayed in character as a douchebag.
5. The EPA is planning a new fuel efficiency measurement for electric cars, because “miles per gallon” doesn’t fit anymore. The Chevy Volt gets 230 miles per gallon? Yeah, my bicycle gets five million miles per gallon – just put a gallon in the basket and leave it there forever.
Monday, September 28, 2009
9/28
1. Film director Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland after being invited to receive a “lifetime achievement award”. For 31 years, he had been on the run from charges of statutory rape. The Swiss apologized -- what they meant to write on the invitation was “lifetime achievement sentence”.
2. The woman that John Lennon insisted was the real inspiration for the song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” has died. Ironically, she died of an LSD overdose.
3. President Obama wants to lengthen school days and shorten summer vacation. Man, he really doesn’t care about that second term. Kids are going to remember this when they turn 18.
4. In Europe, portable music players will soon have a maximum volume setting. They say it’s to protect the hearing of the users, but I think it’s more to protect the hearing of the people who have to stand next to them.
5. Time Warner Inc. is going to sell its Time Magazine division. It’s already sold AOL and Time Warner Cable. Pretty soon, they’re going to sell Warner too and just be “Inc.”
2. The woman that John Lennon insisted was the real inspiration for the song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” has died. Ironically, she died of an LSD overdose.
3. President Obama wants to lengthen school days and shorten summer vacation. Man, he really doesn’t care about that second term. Kids are going to remember this when they turn 18.
4. In Europe, portable music players will soon have a maximum volume setting. They say it’s to protect the hearing of the users, but I think it’s more to protect the hearing of the people who have to stand next to them.
5. Time Warner Inc. is going to sell its Time Magazine division. It’s already sold AOL and Time Warner Cable. Pretty soon, they’re going to sell Warner too and just be “Inc.”
Sunday, September 27, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
A town in New Jersey said Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi can’t set up his tent there. However, the town said the tent would be okay if Glenn Beck visited, because then it would technically be a circus.
Someone is suing Bank of America for (true) “1,784 billion trillion dollars”. A professor at New York University said: “These are the kind of numbers you deal with only on a cosmic scale.” He then added: “Or counting calories at the Cheesecake Factory.”
Former “One Day at a Time” star Mackenzie Phillips says when she had sex with Mick Jagger, he locked the door and told her, “I’ve been waiting for this since you were 10 years old.” Which is actually only #47 on the list of ‘Creepiest Things Mick Jagger Has Ever Said’. #19 is “Now, finally, you’re 11.” #35 is “I enjoy sex with pregnant women, because it’s like having a threesome.”
Yesterday, President Obama went on five networks to talk about healthcare – CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, and… Univision? You’re trying to convince people that your healthcare plan doesn’t help illegal immigrants, and instead of Fox, you go on a Spanish-language network? That’s like having your manhood questioned, but instead of defending it at a local NASCAR event, you do it at the premiere of the new “Twilight” movie.
Today, President Obama shook hands with the governor of New York, David Paterson, which helped defuse reports that Obama isn’t happy with Paterson’s polling numbers. However, when Obama left, he gave Paterson a kiss.
In Britain, a house made of Legos is at risk of being torn down, because the Legoland theme park has refused to buy it. The demolition company, called Masters of Mayhem (also known as “MOM”), says the house has to be removed from the living room table by dinner time. The architect says he might call Legoland again and ask for another operator.
Have you seen the posters for the new Courtney Cox TV show “Cougar Town”? It’s supposed to be about a woman who dates much younger men, but her face is so airbrushed and botoxed that she’d have to be dating 10-year-olds.
Microsoft stores are hiring away Apple store workers by offering higher salaries. So now maybe they can afford some of Apple’s products.
In Oregon, 26 biker gang members had a pile-up on a highway. Considering this is 2009, most of the injuries were arthritis-related. Police report that five of the bikers had been mixing Jack Daniels with their Metamucil.
Sarah Palin gave a speech to wealthy investors in Hong Kong yesterday. The organizer invited her so that the investors would keep their money in Hong Kong. “We were thinking about putting our money in the U.S., but after Palin’s speech, we changed our mind.”
Yesterday, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi was scheduled to speak at the United Nations for 15 minutes, but instead went on for 96 minutes, talking about swine flu being a conspiracy, Israel killing JFK, and promoting his own website. Afterwards, Fox News offered him a talk show.
A Russian billionaire is the new owner of the New Jersey Nets basketball team. He bought a pro sports team because, after watching Vladimir Putin, he wants to try the next-closest thing to being a dictator.
A jury decided that the federal government is not responsible for harmful fumes in the trailer home of a Louisiana family. Apparently, the plaintiff’s daughter was just using the trailer as a nail salon.
A woman in Ohio has given birth to another couple’s baby after getting the wrong embryo at a fertility clinic. Isn’t this how horror movies begin? I’m not sure if we’ve seen a miracle or the birth of the Antichrist.
Women at an espresso stand near Seattle were arrested for stripping while making coffee. You see, that would never happen with male baristas, because they would never risk making steaming hot coffee while naked.
Someone is suing Bank of America for (true) “1,784 billion trillion dollars”. A professor at New York University said: “These are the kind of numbers you deal with only on a cosmic scale.” He then added: “Or counting calories at the Cheesecake Factory.”
Former “One Day at a Time” star Mackenzie Phillips says when she had sex with Mick Jagger, he locked the door and told her, “I’ve been waiting for this since you were 10 years old.” Which is actually only #47 on the list of ‘Creepiest Things Mick Jagger Has Ever Said’. #19 is “Now, finally, you’re 11.” #35 is “I enjoy sex with pregnant women, because it’s like having a threesome.”
Yesterday, President Obama went on five networks to talk about healthcare – CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, and… Univision? You’re trying to convince people that your healthcare plan doesn’t help illegal immigrants, and instead of Fox, you go on a Spanish-language network? That’s like having your manhood questioned, but instead of defending it at a local NASCAR event, you do it at the premiere of the new “Twilight” movie.
Today, President Obama shook hands with the governor of New York, David Paterson, which helped defuse reports that Obama isn’t happy with Paterson’s polling numbers. However, when Obama left, he gave Paterson a kiss.
In Britain, a house made of Legos is at risk of being torn down, because the Legoland theme park has refused to buy it. The demolition company, called Masters of Mayhem (also known as “MOM”), says the house has to be removed from the living room table by dinner time. The architect says he might call Legoland again and ask for another operator.
Have you seen the posters for the new Courtney Cox TV show “Cougar Town”? It’s supposed to be about a woman who dates much younger men, but her face is so airbrushed and botoxed that she’d have to be dating 10-year-olds.
Microsoft stores are hiring away Apple store workers by offering higher salaries. So now maybe they can afford some of Apple’s products.
In Oregon, 26 biker gang members had a pile-up on a highway. Considering this is 2009, most of the injuries were arthritis-related. Police report that five of the bikers had been mixing Jack Daniels with their Metamucil.
Sarah Palin gave a speech to wealthy investors in Hong Kong yesterday. The organizer invited her so that the investors would keep their money in Hong Kong. “We were thinking about putting our money in the U.S., but after Palin’s speech, we changed our mind.”
Yesterday, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi was scheduled to speak at the United Nations for 15 minutes, but instead went on for 96 minutes, talking about swine flu being a conspiracy, Israel killing JFK, and promoting his own website. Afterwards, Fox News offered him a talk show.
A Russian billionaire is the new owner of the New Jersey Nets basketball team. He bought a pro sports team because, after watching Vladimir Putin, he wants to try the next-closest thing to being a dictator.
A jury decided that the federal government is not responsible for harmful fumes in the trailer home of a Louisiana family. Apparently, the plaintiff’s daughter was just using the trailer as a nail salon.
A woman in Ohio has given birth to another couple’s baby after getting the wrong embryo at a fertility clinic. Isn’t this how horror movies begin? I’m not sure if we’ve seen a miracle or the birth of the Antichrist.
Women at an espresso stand near Seattle were arrested for stripping while making coffee. You see, that would never happen with male baristas, because they would never risk making steaming hot coffee while naked.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
9/26
1. A woman in Ohio has given birth to another couple’s baby after getting the wrong embryo at a fertility clinic. Isn’t this how horror movies begin? I’m not sure if we’ve seen a miracle or the birth of the Antichrist.
2. In India, it’s becoming popular to cremate people over a fire of cow dung. I take it funerals in India aren’t really popular events.
3. Ichiro Suzuki was ejected from a baseball game for the first time. And the last time. Immediately after the ejection, he used his bat to disembowel himself.
4. We now have the first cancellation of the new TV season -- “The Beautiful Life”. Apparently the beautiful life is unemployment.
5. Government officials from around the world are meeting in Bangkok to discuss climate change, after last week’s big meeting in New York, and before the upcoming big meeting in Denmark. You know, maybe the climate wouldn’t be changing if they didn’t keep flying jets back and forth to all these meetings.
2. In India, it’s becoming popular to cremate people over a fire of cow dung. I take it funerals in India aren’t really popular events.
3. Ichiro Suzuki was ejected from a baseball game for the first time. And the last time. Immediately after the ejection, he used his bat to disembowel himself.
4. We now have the first cancellation of the new TV season -- “The Beautiful Life”. Apparently the beautiful life is unemployment.
5. Government officials from around the world are meeting in Bangkok to discuss climate change, after last week’s big meeting in New York, and before the upcoming big meeting in Denmark. You know, maybe the climate wouldn’t be changing if they didn’t keep flying jets back and forth to all these meetings.
Friday, September 25, 2009
9/25
1. Someone is suing Bank of America for (true) “1,784 billion trillion dollars”. The reason? When he called the bank, he had to speak to a “Spanish womn”. At least the Spanish woman knew how to spell. A professor at New York University said (true): “These are the kind of numbers you deal with only on a cosmic scale.” He added: “Or counting calories at the Cheesecake Factory.”
2. A jury decided that a trailer home issued by the feds in Louisiana did not contain harmful fumes. Apparently, the plaintiff’s daughter was just using the trailer as a nail salon.
3. Four Congressmen from New Jersey are accused of pushing FDA approval of an unsafe knee patch. Being from Jersey, this was their way of breaking kneecaps.
4. Police faced hundreds of marchers at the G-20 summit yesterday, who were protesting the recent right-wing monopoly of crazy irrational protests. Six protestors were treated for medical conditions, including two for heat exhaustion. “Fuck the system! Fuck the… woah, I’m feeling a little light-headed. Could you drive me to the hospital?” Some protestors also complained that pepper spray made their eyes water. Yeah, that’s because it’s pepper spray. What did you think was going to happen? “Mmm, love the smell of pepper. Is this a new incense?”
5. Twitter is now worth $1 billion. In fact, economists predict that soon it will be impossible to write the worth of Twitter in a Twitter message.
2. A jury decided that a trailer home issued by the feds in Louisiana did not contain harmful fumes. Apparently, the plaintiff’s daughter was just using the trailer as a nail salon.
3. Four Congressmen from New Jersey are accused of pushing FDA approval of an unsafe knee patch. Being from Jersey, this was their way of breaking kneecaps.
4. Police faced hundreds of marchers at the G-20 summit yesterday, who were protesting the recent right-wing monopoly of crazy irrational protests. Six protestors were treated for medical conditions, including two for heat exhaustion. “Fuck the system! Fuck the… woah, I’m feeling a little light-headed. Could you drive me to the hospital?” Some protestors also complained that pepper spray made their eyes water. Yeah, that’s because it’s pepper spray. What did you think was going to happen? “Mmm, love the smell of pepper. Is this a new incense?”
5. Twitter is now worth $1 billion. In fact, economists predict that soon it will be impossible to write the worth of Twitter in a Twitter message.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
9/24
1. Yesterday, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi was scheduled to speak at the United Nations for 15 minutes, but instead went on for 96 minutes, talking about swine flu being a conspiracy, Israel killing JFK, and promoting his own website. Afterwards, Fox News offered him a talk show.
2. Women at an espresso stand near Seattle were arrested for stripping while making coffee. You see, that would never happen with male baristas, because they would never make steaming hot coffee while naked.
3. A Russian billionaire is the new owner of the New Jersey Nets basketball team. He bought a pro sports team because, after watching Vladimir Putin, he wants to try the next-closest thing to being a dictator.
4. A guy in England with a metal detector found the largest ever Anglo-Saxon hoard of gold. Metal detecting and medieval artifacts -- this is a metal detector’s wet dream. The only way this could be better is if the treasure was marked with signs of hobbits.
5. An alleged terrorist caught in Colorado was making bombs from hair salon products. Hmm, I would have thought he’d use a nail salon, but I guess those are more for making poison gas. I can’t believe women put this stuff on their heads. This makes waxing look like a foot massage. “Try Vidal Sassoon for truly explosive hair!”
2. Women at an espresso stand near Seattle were arrested for stripping while making coffee. You see, that would never happen with male baristas, because they would never make steaming hot coffee while naked.
3. A Russian billionaire is the new owner of the New Jersey Nets basketball team. He bought a pro sports team because, after watching Vladimir Putin, he wants to try the next-closest thing to being a dictator.
4. A guy in England with a metal detector found the largest ever Anglo-Saxon hoard of gold. Metal detecting and medieval artifacts -- this is a metal detector’s wet dream. The only way this could be better is if the treasure was marked with signs of hobbits.
5. An alleged terrorist caught in Colorado was making bombs from hair salon products. Hmm, I would have thought he’d use a nail salon, but I guess those are more for making poison gas. I can’t believe women put this stuff on their heads. This makes waxing look like a foot massage. “Try Vidal Sassoon for truly explosive hair!”
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
9/23
1. A town in New Jersey said Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi cannot set up his traditional tent there. However, the town said the tent would be okay if Glenn Beck visited, because then it would technically be a circus.
2. Former “One Day at a Time” star Mackenzie Phillips says when she had sex with Mick Jagger, he locked the door and told her, “I’ve been waiting for this since you were 10 years old.” Which is only #47 on the list of Creepiest Things Mick Jagger Has Ever Said. #19 is “Now, finally, you’re 11.” #35 is “I enjoy sex with pregnant women, because it’s like having a threesome.”
3. Julia Roberts, an outspoken Hindu-phile, is shooting a movie in India, but is only traveling by bulletproof car and helicopter with several bodyguards. Basically, she’s like white suburban teenagers who love urban black hip hop, but would be terrified of going to black neighborhoods. She’s a Whindu.
4. Sarah Palin gave a speech to wealthy investors in Hong Kong yesterday. The organizer invited her in order to encourage the investors to keep their money in Hong Kong. “We were thinking about putting our money in the U.S., but after Palin’s speech, we changed our mind.”
5. A recent study says that whales change their sonar calls when people are performing loud seismic studies nearby. The new whale calls have been translated as, “Hey, keep it down, fer chrissakes! It’s 8 a.m.!” Scientists also noticed an increase in sharks, which they realized were called by the whales to take care of the noise complaints.
2. Former “One Day at a Time” star Mackenzie Phillips says when she had sex with Mick Jagger, he locked the door and told her, “I’ve been waiting for this since you were 10 years old.” Which is only #47 on the list of Creepiest Things Mick Jagger Has Ever Said. #19 is “Now, finally, you’re 11.” #35 is “I enjoy sex with pregnant women, because it’s like having a threesome.”
3. Julia Roberts, an outspoken Hindu-phile, is shooting a movie in India, but is only traveling by bulletproof car and helicopter with several bodyguards. Basically, she’s like white suburban teenagers who love urban black hip hop, but would be terrified of going to black neighborhoods. She’s a Whindu.
4. Sarah Palin gave a speech to wealthy investors in Hong Kong yesterday. The organizer invited her in order to encourage the investors to keep their money in Hong Kong. “We were thinking about putting our money in the U.S., but after Palin’s speech, we changed our mind.”
5. A recent study says that whales change their sonar calls when people are performing loud seismic studies nearby. The new whale calls have been translated as, “Hey, keep it down, fer chrissakes! It’s 8 a.m.!” Scientists also noticed an increase in sharks, which they realized were called by the whales to take care of the noise complaints.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
9/22
1. Microsoft is hiring away Apple retail workers with higher salaries. So now maybe they can afford some of Apple’s products.
2. A new study says that a decline in financial skills is often a warning of future Alzheimer’s. Which means that next year, the United States is estimated to have about 150 million new cases.
3. China introduced an ambitious plan to stop global warming. They plan to avoid fossil fuels by burning biological fuels like dolphins, pandas, and Tibetans. Unfortunately, this will cause those creatures to go extinct, making them fossil fuels again.
4. A new study says having a drink of alcohol can reduce the effects of head injuries. Unfortunately, alcohol also causes most head injuries, so it all balances out.
5. Microsoft’s new search engine had a small rise in use compared to Google. But that’s just because if you’re typing another address on a Microsoft website, sometimes it throws you into the search engine. How many of those searches were for “w.google.com”?
2. A new study says that a decline in financial skills is often a warning of future Alzheimer’s. Which means that next year, the United States is estimated to have about 150 million new cases.
3. China introduced an ambitious plan to stop global warming. They plan to avoid fossil fuels by burning biological fuels like dolphins, pandas, and Tibetans. Unfortunately, this will cause those creatures to go extinct, making them fossil fuels again.
4. A new study says having a drink of alcohol can reduce the effects of head injuries. Unfortunately, alcohol also causes most head injuries, so it all balances out.
5. Microsoft’s new search engine had a small rise in use compared to Google. But that’s just because if you’re typing another address on a Microsoft website, sometimes it throws you into the search engine. How many of those searches were for “w.google.com”?
Monday, September 21, 2009
9/21
1. In Oregon, 26 biker gang members had a pile-up on a highway. Considering this is 2009, most of the injuries were arthritis-related. Police report that five of the bikers had been mixing Jack Daniels with their Metamucil.
2. Yesterday, President Obama went on five networks to talk about healthcare – CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, and… Univision? He didn’t appear on Fox, but he went on Univision? You’re trying to convince people that your healthcare plan doesn’t help illegal immigrants, and you go on a Spanish-language network instead of Fox? That’s like having your manhood questioned, but instead of giving a speech at a local NASCAR event, you go to the premiere of the new “Twilight” movie.
3. In Britain, a house made of Legos is at risk of being torn down, because the Legoland theme park has refused to buy it. The demolition company, called Masters of Mayhem (also known as “MOM”), says the house has to be removed from the living room table by dinner time. The architect says he might call Legoland again and ask for another operator.
4. A new report by Gen. McChrystal about Afghanistan was given to Congressmen to read, but they weren’t allowed to take notes. You know, you’re just making it harder on the assistants who will actually read it, since now they have to memorize the bullet points to tell their Congressmen.
5. Today, President Obama shook hands with the governor of New York, David Paterson, which helped defuse reports that Obama isn’t happy with Paterson’s polling numbers. However, when Obama left, he gave Paterson a kiss.
2. Yesterday, President Obama went on five networks to talk about healthcare – CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, and… Univision? He didn’t appear on Fox, but he went on Univision? You’re trying to convince people that your healthcare plan doesn’t help illegal immigrants, and you go on a Spanish-language network instead of Fox? That’s like having your manhood questioned, but instead of giving a speech at a local NASCAR event, you go to the premiere of the new “Twilight” movie.
3. In Britain, a house made of Legos is at risk of being torn down, because the Legoland theme park has refused to buy it. The demolition company, called Masters of Mayhem (also known as “MOM”), says the house has to be removed from the living room table by dinner time. The architect says he might call Legoland again and ask for another operator.
4. A new report by Gen. McChrystal about Afghanistan was given to Congressmen to read, but they weren’t allowed to take notes. You know, you’re just making it harder on the assistants who will actually read it, since now they have to memorize the bullet points to tell their Congressmen.
5. Today, President Obama shook hands with the governor of New York, David Paterson, which helped defuse reports that Obama isn’t happy with Paterson’s polling numbers. However, when Obama left, he gave Paterson a kiss.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
A minister in Ukraine said Elton John cannot adopt a boy there. “The only time a Ukrainian can be legally adopted by a 62-year-old single British man is if she’s a mail-order bride.”
Turkey’s Sultan Kosen is now the world’s tallest man -- eight feet one inch. He says it’s been hard to find a wife, because women are scared of his height. Actually, I don’t think they’re scared of his height, but the probable size of other parts of him.
The Senate passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns. “Amtrak -- See America up close. So you can get a better shot.”
The CEO of pro wrestling’s World Wrestling Entertainment is going to run for the Senate, because she says “Washington is out of control”. Washington is out of control? Now there's a wake-up call. That's like Stephenie Meyer saying your book has unrealistic male characters. I think the CEO has been watching some of these healthcare town halls and has ideas for charging tickets. Or maybe she wants to recruit Rep. Joe Wilson.
In an off-the-record interview that accidentally got released, President Obama called Kanye West a “jackass”. Said former President Bush, “Now he’s getting the hang of this thing!”
Last night, scientist Brian Drucker received the prestigious Lasker Award for his work with leukemia. However, the evening was marred when Dr. Drucker’s acceptance speech was interrupted by Kanye West, who said the award should have gone to research on impulse control and Douchebag Syndrome.
Former President Jimmy Carter said racism is behind attacks on Obama’s healthcare reform. “It’s just like when they did the exact same thing to Bill Clinton… wait a minute.”
Some scientists say people who shower too much are getting harmful bacteria in their lungs. Who are taking these showers? Mermaids? Rule number one of showering should be: “Don’t breathe the water.”
The Federal Reserve wants to restrict the pay of any bank employee whose job is risky for the bank’s survival. Especially the people who make the little pen chains. Because if they don’t do their job, people will steal the pens, and it will be chaos!
New York is now debating a tax on soda. Except for Mountain Dew, because it is, technically, classified as a paint thinner.
Volunteers have removed 150 tons of trash from the coast of L.A. County. I had no idea there were that many tons of paparazzi. Maybe this is why California will sink into the ocean.
President Obama has cancelled missile defense bases in Poland and the Czech Republic. Former President Bush originally put them there to protect their sausage and beer, but Obama is going to put the bases in Italy to protect the world’s arugula.
An alleged Islamic terrorist has been arrested in Colorado. Apparently he’s been working with environmental terrorists to create a “clean bomb”. Instead of the nuclear waste of “dirty” bombs, clean bombs will spray used herbal tea bags.
Turkey’s Sultan Kosen is now the world’s tallest man -- eight feet one inch. He says it’s been hard to find a wife, because women are scared of his height. Actually, I don’t think they’re scared of his height, but the probable size of other parts of him.
The Senate passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns. “Amtrak -- See America up close. So you can get a better shot.”
The CEO of pro wrestling’s World Wrestling Entertainment is going to run for the Senate, because she says “Washington is out of control”. Washington is out of control? Now there's a wake-up call. That's like Stephenie Meyer saying your book has unrealistic male characters. I think the CEO has been watching some of these healthcare town halls and has ideas for charging tickets. Or maybe she wants to recruit Rep. Joe Wilson.
In an off-the-record interview that accidentally got released, President Obama called Kanye West a “jackass”. Said former President Bush, “Now he’s getting the hang of this thing!”
Last night, scientist Brian Drucker received the prestigious Lasker Award for his work with leukemia. However, the evening was marred when Dr. Drucker’s acceptance speech was interrupted by Kanye West, who said the award should have gone to research on impulse control and Douchebag Syndrome.
Former President Jimmy Carter said racism is behind attacks on Obama’s healthcare reform. “It’s just like when they did the exact same thing to Bill Clinton… wait a minute.”
Some scientists say people who shower too much are getting harmful bacteria in their lungs. Who are taking these showers? Mermaids? Rule number one of showering should be: “Don’t breathe the water.”
The Federal Reserve wants to restrict the pay of any bank employee whose job is risky for the bank’s survival. Especially the people who make the little pen chains. Because if they don’t do their job, people will steal the pens, and it will be chaos!
New York is now debating a tax on soda. Except for Mountain Dew, because it is, technically, classified as a paint thinner.
Volunteers have removed 150 tons of trash from the coast of L.A. County. I had no idea there were that many tons of paparazzi. Maybe this is why California will sink into the ocean.
President Obama has cancelled missile defense bases in Poland and the Czech Republic. Former President Bush originally put them there to protect their sausage and beer, but Obama is going to put the bases in Italy to protect the world’s arugula.
An alleged Islamic terrorist has been arrested in Colorado. Apparently he’s been working with environmental terrorists to create a “clean bomb”. Instead of the nuclear waste of “dirty” bombs, clean bombs will spray used herbal tea bags.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
5/19
1. Volunteers have removed 150 tons of trash from the coast of L.A. County. I had no idea there were that many tons of paparazzi. Maybe this is why California will sink into the ocean.
2. An alleged Islamic terrorist has been arrested in Colorado. Apparently he’s been working with environmental terrorists to create a “clean bomb”. Instead of the nuclear waste of “dirty” bombs, clean bombs will spray used herbal tea bags.
3. A man in North Carolina inhaled a piece of plastic into his lungs while drinking a fast-food soda. He said (true): “I like to take big gulps of drink. I don’t know of any other ways of getting it in there.” Well, this obviously isn’t as efficient as you think if you’re getting things into non-digestive organs.
4. The man who said that he fathered the child of John Edwards’s mistress now says that Edwards is the real father. That’s like Megan Fox admitting that she’s not much of a reader. We already know.
5. In Taiwan, a 96-year-old man has been sentenced to three months in jail for illegally living in a place that was not his own, though technically it was his body.
2. An alleged Islamic terrorist has been arrested in Colorado. Apparently he’s been working with environmental terrorists to create a “clean bomb”. Instead of the nuclear waste of “dirty” bombs, clean bombs will spray used herbal tea bags.
3. A man in North Carolina inhaled a piece of plastic into his lungs while drinking a fast-food soda. He said (true): “I like to take big gulps of drink. I don’t know of any other ways of getting it in there.” Well, this obviously isn’t as efficient as you think if you’re getting things into non-digestive organs.
4. The man who said that he fathered the child of John Edwards’s mistress now says that Edwards is the real father. That’s like Megan Fox admitting that she’s not much of a reader. We already know.
5. In Taiwan, a 96-year-old man has been sentenced to three months in jail for illegally living in a place that was not his own, though technically it was his body.
Friday, September 18, 2009
9/18
1. The Federal Reserve wants to restrict the pay of any bank employee whose job is risky for the bank’s survival. Especially the people who make the little pen chains. Because if they don’t do their job, people will steal the pens, and it will be chaos!
2. New York is now debating a tax on soda. Except for Mountain Dew, because it is, technically, classified as a paint thinner.
3. In Millville, New Jersey, police discovered three-foot-tall marijuana plants growing in one of the city’s lamppost flower baskets. The city’s park and recreation department says it doesn’t know how they got there. Maybe they were taking the “recreation” part of the department very seriously. And three feet tall? How often does the department check those baskets? That’s like the transportation department saying they didn’t know about the cocaine at the bottom of a twenty-foot pothole.
4. Surgeons in Florida restored a woman’s sight by implanting a tooth in her eye. The only problem is that she can’t look at eye candy anymore, because they don’t make brushes small enough to fit through her pupil.
5. Baseball umpires have accused L.A. Angels coaches of being extremely aggressive after a game. The umpires left the field through the Angels' locker room and the coaches thought the umpires were calling too many foul balls. “Hey, we haven’t showered yet!”
2. New York is now debating a tax on soda. Except for Mountain Dew, because it is, technically, classified as a paint thinner.
3. In Millville, New Jersey, police discovered three-foot-tall marijuana plants growing in one of the city’s lamppost flower baskets. The city’s park and recreation department says it doesn’t know how they got there. Maybe they were taking the “recreation” part of the department very seriously. And three feet tall? How often does the department check those baskets? That’s like the transportation department saying they didn’t know about the cocaine at the bottom of a twenty-foot pothole.
4. Surgeons in Florida restored a woman’s sight by implanting a tooth in her eye. The only problem is that she can’t look at eye candy anymore, because they don’t make brushes small enough to fit through her pupil.
5. Baseball umpires have accused L.A. Angels coaches of being extremely aggressive after a game. The umpires left the field through the Angels' locker room and the coaches thought the umpires were calling too many foul balls. “Hey, we haven’t showered yet!”
Thursday, September 17, 2009
9/17
1. Turkey’s Sultan Kosen is now the world’s tallest man -- eight feet one inch. He says it’s been hard to find a wife, because women are scared of his height. Actually, I don’t think they’re scared of his height, but the probable size of other parts of him.
2. President Obama has cancelled missile defense bases in Poland and the Czech Republic. Former President Bush originally put them there to protect their famous sausage and beer, but Obama is going to put the bases in Italy to protect the world’s arugula.
3. After controversy about players of Guitar Hero using Kurt Cobain’s image to sing other people’s songs, Jon Bon Jovi said he would also be upset if his video game image sang other people’s songs. No word on what the other people would think about Bon Jovi singing their songs.
4. Did you see Obama after Jimmy Carter said opponents of Obama’s healthcare reform are motivated by racism? He looked like Beyonce during Kanye West’s rant. “Um, thanks, but please stay away from me, crazy man.”
5. Thieves stole a statue of a coyote from the former resort home of Bernie Madoff. Considering Madoff, I would have thought he’d have statues of the Roadrunner.
2. President Obama has cancelled missile defense bases in Poland and the Czech Republic. Former President Bush originally put them there to protect their famous sausage and beer, but Obama is going to put the bases in Italy to protect the world’s arugula.
3. After controversy about players of Guitar Hero using Kurt Cobain’s image to sing other people’s songs, Jon Bon Jovi said he would also be upset if his video game image sang other people’s songs. No word on what the other people would think about Bon Jovi singing their songs.
4. Did you see Obama after Jimmy Carter said opponents of Obama’s healthcare reform are motivated by racism? He looked like Beyonce during Kanye West’s rant. “Um, thanks, but please stay away from me, crazy man.”
5. Thieves stole a statue of a coyote from the former resort home of Bernie Madoff. Considering Madoff, I would have thought he’d have statues of the Roadrunner.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
9/16
1. Denmark released a tourism promotion video of a Danish woman describing her one-night stand with the foreign father of her child (true). It’s all part of their new slogan: “Why go to Thailand and pay for sex with strangers, when you can come to Denmark and get it for free!”
2. The Senate passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns. “Amtrak -- See America up close. So you can get a better shot.” The Senate believes that just because you don’t have a car, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t experience the joy of firing from a moving vehicle. Is there a lot of overlap between Amtrak riders and gun owners? Well, except for Vice President Joe Biden and his Berettas (true)? Maybe he got tired of feeding the Secret Service when he goes home to Delaware.
3. The CEO of pro wrestling’s World Wrestling Entertainment is going to run for the Senate, because she says “Washington is out of control”. Washington is out of control? Now there's a wake-up call. That's like Stephenie Meyer saying your book has unrealistic male characters. I think the CEO has been watching some of these healthcare town halls and has ideas for charging tickets. Or maybe she wants to recruit Rep. Joe Wilson.
4. In an off-the-record interview that accidentally got released, President Obama called Kanye West a “jackass”. Said former President Bush, “Now he’s getting the hang of this thing!”
5. Former President Jimmy Carter said racism is behind attacks on Obama’s healthcare reform. “It’s just like when they did the exact same thing to Bill Clinton… wait a minute.”
2. The Senate passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns. “Amtrak -- See America up close. So you can get a better shot.” The Senate believes that just because you don’t have a car, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t experience the joy of firing from a moving vehicle. Is there a lot of overlap between Amtrak riders and gun owners? Well, except for Vice President Joe Biden and his Berettas (true)? Maybe he got tired of feeding the Secret Service when he goes home to Delaware.
3. The CEO of pro wrestling’s World Wrestling Entertainment is going to run for the Senate, because she says “Washington is out of control”. Washington is out of control? Now there's a wake-up call. That's like Stephenie Meyer saying your book has unrealistic male characters. I think the CEO has been watching some of these healthcare town halls and has ideas for charging tickets. Or maybe she wants to recruit Rep. Joe Wilson.
4. In an off-the-record interview that accidentally got released, President Obama called Kanye West a “jackass”. Said former President Bush, “Now he’s getting the hang of this thing!”
5. Former President Jimmy Carter said racism is behind attacks on Obama’s healthcare reform. “It’s just like when they did the exact same thing to Bill Clinton… wait a minute.”
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
9/15
1. A new study says parents don’t burn nearly as many calories as they think by chasing kids. Especially considering how out-of-shape kids are these days. The best way to burn calories with modern kids is trying to wrestle food away from them.
2. Some scientists say people who shower too much are getting harmful bacteria in their lungs. Who are taking these showers? Mermaids? Rule number one of showering should be: “Don’t breathe the water.”
3. A new study says some fat molecules can make you forget that you’re not hungry. Especially when the molecules come together and form the Food Network.
4. A college student in Baltimore killed a burglar with a samurai sword. Hopefully he didn’t get any other ideas from “Pulp Fiction”. Maybe the police should search the house for more burglars.
5. The Obama Administration is going to start cloud computing. Of course, according to Republicans, Obama’s computers have always been in the clouds.
2. Some scientists say people who shower too much are getting harmful bacteria in their lungs. Who are taking these showers? Mermaids? Rule number one of showering should be: “Don’t breathe the water.”
3. A new study says some fat molecules can make you forget that you’re not hungry. Especially when the molecules come together and form the Food Network.
4. A college student in Baltimore killed a burglar with a samurai sword. Hopefully he didn’t get any other ideas from “Pulp Fiction”. Maybe the police should search the house for more burglars.
5. The Obama Administration is going to start cloud computing. Of course, according to Republicans, Obama’s computers have always been in the clouds.
Monday, September 14, 2009
9/14
1. Last night, scientist Brian Drucker received the prestigious Lasker Award for his work with leukemia. However, the evening was marred when Dr. Drucker’s acceptance speech was interrupted by Kanye West, who said the award should have gone to research on impulse control and Douchebag Syndrome.
2. A minister in Ukraine said Elton John cannot adopt a boy there, because he is single and too old. “The only time a Ukrainian can be adopted by a single British man more than 45 years older is if she’s a mail-order bride.”
3. A Tibetan mastiff was sold for $582,000 over the weekend, making it the most expensive dog ever. When told how much he was sold for, the record-breaking dog licked his genitals and yawned. The dog was sold to a Chinese woman, showing that the Tibetan mastiff is roughly 500,000 times more valuable to Chinese people than the average Tibetan human.
4. China is angry because the U.S. has put tariffs on Chinese tires. In retaliation, China put a tariff on American spare tires coming over for cheap liposuction.
5. A 107-year-old woman in Malaysia is worried that her 37-year-old husband may leave her after he gets treated for drug addiction. Yes, because if he married a 107-year-old, I assume he’s been abusing LSD.
2. A minister in Ukraine said Elton John cannot adopt a boy there, because he is single and too old. “The only time a Ukrainian can be adopted by a single British man more than 45 years older is if she’s a mail-order bride.”
3. A Tibetan mastiff was sold for $582,000 over the weekend, making it the most expensive dog ever. When told how much he was sold for, the record-breaking dog licked his genitals and yawned. The dog was sold to a Chinese woman, showing that the Tibetan mastiff is roughly 500,000 times more valuable to Chinese people than the average Tibetan human.
4. China is angry because the U.S. has put tariffs on Chinese tires. In retaliation, China put a tariff on American spare tires coming over for cheap liposuction.
5. A 107-year-old woman in Malaysia is worried that her 37-year-old husband may leave her after he gets treated for drug addiction. Yes, because if he married a 107-year-old, I assume he’s been abusing LSD.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Tina Fey won an Emmy for her impersonation of Sarah Palin. It’s the first time an actor has won a major award for portraying a politician since Robert DeNiro’s Oscar for playing John McCain in “Raging Bull”.
A man in New York is going to donate his 40th gallon of blood this week. He’s one of only two men to ever do that. However, he was a little angry to learn that all the blood has gone to Keith Richards.
In a new online version of the game Monopoly, players can sabotage each other by building wind farms. Wind farms. If you’d like to play, just write to Global Monopoly, c/o Exxon. Not to be confused with Exxon’s normal business division, which is also called Global Monopoly.
In Ohio, a man robbed a woman, then came back a couple hours later to ask her for a date. What was his first line? “Let me take you out to dinner. Your treat.” or “Your father must have been a thief… because I met him in prison.”
Van Jones, the White House’s green jobs czar, resigned after the media discovered he had signed a 9/11 Truth petition and supported communism. Said the White House: “After an extremely thorough background check, we think there will be zero controversy about our next green jobs czar -- Louis Farrakhan.”
In France, some scientists believe that toxic gas from rotting seaweed might have caused a couple recent deaths. However, other scientists believe that French beachgoers just need to shower more. “What’s that smell?” “Oh, it must be the seaweed.”
McDonald’s lost an eight-year legal battle to stop a Malaysian restaurant from using the name 'McCurry'. The main difference between the two is that McCurry serves fish heads in curry (true), while McDonald’s only uses fish heads for its hamburger meat.
For the first time, Tyra Banks is going to appear on her TV show with completely natural hair – no wigs, extensions, or other effects. Here’s a photo.
A state lawmaker from Southern California has been caught on tape bragging about sex with female lobbyists. That’s like bragging about the hot stripper you met at a club. She’s not giving you a lap dance because she likes you. He said (true): “Oh yeah, I could tell she was getting into it.” Sure, if by “it”, you mean “your wallet/vote”. Although to be fair, the lobbyists were from the CHA -- the California Hypnotists Association.
A new film reveals that a female high jumper on the 1936 German Olympic team was a man (below). He says the Nazis made him do it. Yeah, the Nazis might have planned it, but something tells me they didn’t have to try very hard to convince you.
Ellen DeGeneres is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol. Unfortunately, because federal law requires the panel to maintain the same average IQ, the other judges will have to be replaced with bowling balls.
Several Uighur prisoners at Guantanamo Bay will be sent to the Pacific Island nation of Palau. The Uighurs were able to bond with the Palauans, because they both have names that Americans can’t pronounce.
A new report says Texas has the highest percentage of people without health insurance in the United States. That’s very reckless in any state where the Bush family has driver’s licenses. Apparently, most of the uninsured feel that Texas will just put them on death row eventually anyway.
Facebook has now launched Facebook Lite, a simpler version of Facebook for developing regions that don’t have fast internet connections. For example, anywhere covered by Time Warner Cable.
The U.S. Mint is going to make a new series of quarters, all devoted to national parks. You know, the national parks have been running a bad budget deficit. Maybe we could help them by using the money we’re spending to make new frigging quarters! I understand why Coke or Nike come out with new designs, but are people not using quarters because they’re unfashionable? “Dude, fuck those ugly-ass quarters. The only coins I ever use are pennies, dimes, and gold doubloons.”
A new study says that the lowest-paid workers in America often get ripped off at work. The vast majority don’t get a full lunch break, don’t get overtime, and work off the clock. Wow, that sounds like they… work in America.
Part of a 1,000-year-long piece of music is finally going to be played live. There was some disagreement about whether it was the longest piece of music ever, but Guinness officials said it only feels like a thousand years when you listen to a Jessica Simpson album.
Sudan has jailed a woman for wearing trousers. What a backward country! Condemning a woman because of the pants she wears!
A man in New York is going to donate his 40th gallon of blood this week. He’s one of only two men to ever do that. However, he was a little angry to learn that all the blood has gone to Keith Richards.
In a new online version of the game Monopoly, players can sabotage each other by building wind farms. Wind farms. If you’d like to play, just write to Global Monopoly, c/o Exxon. Not to be confused with Exxon’s normal business division, which is also called Global Monopoly.
In Ohio, a man robbed a woman, then came back a couple hours later to ask her for a date. What was his first line? “Let me take you out to dinner. Your treat.” or “Your father must have been a thief… because I met him in prison.”
Van Jones, the White House’s green jobs czar, resigned after the media discovered he had signed a 9/11 Truth petition and supported communism. Said the White House: “After an extremely thorough background check, we think there will be zero controversy about our next green jobs czar -- Louis Farrakhan.”
In France, some scientists believe that toxic gas from rotting seaweed might have caused a couple recent deaths. However, other scientists believe that French beachgoers just need to shower more. “What’s that smell?” “Oh, it must be the seaweed.”
McDonald’s lost an eight-year legal battle to stop a Malaysian restaurant from using the name 'McCurry'. The main difference between the two is that McCurry serves fish heads in curry (true), while McDonald’s only uses fish heads for its hamburger meat.
For the first time, Tyra Banks is going to appear on her TV show with completely natural hair – no wigs, extensions, or other effects. Here’s a photo.
A state lawmaker from Southern California has been caught on tape bragging about sex with female lobbyists. That’s like bragging about the hot stripper you met at a club. She’s not giving you a lap dance because she likes you. He said (true): “Oh yeah, I could tell she was getting into it.” Sure, if by “it”, you mean “your wallet/vote”. Although to be fair, the lobbyists were from the CHA -- the California Hypnotists Association.
A new film reveals that a female high jumper on the 1936 German Olympic team was a man (below). He says the Nazis made him do it. Yeah, the Nazis might have planned it, but something tells me they didn’t have to try very hard to convince you.
Ellen DeGeneres is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol. Unfortunately, because federal law requires the panel to maintain the same average IQ, the other judges will have to be replaced with bowling balls.
Several Uighur prisoners at Guantanamo Bay will be sent to the Pacific Island nation of Palau. The Uighurs were able to bond with the Palauans, because they both have names that Americans can’t pronounce.
A new report says Texas has the highest percentage of people without health insurance in the United States. That’s very reckless in any state where the Bush family has driver’s licenses. Apparently, most of the uninsured feel that Texas will just put them on death row eventually anyway.
Facebook has now launched Facebook Lite, a simpler version of Facebook for developing regions that don’t have fast internet connections. For example, anywhere covered by Time Warner Cable.
The U.S. Mint is going to make a new series of quarters, all devoted to national parks. You know, the national parks have been running a bad budget deficit. Maybe we could help them by using the money we’re spending to make new frigging quarters! I understand why Coke or Nike come out with new designs, but are people not using quarters because they’re unfashionable? “Dude, fuck those ugly-ass quarters. The only coins I ever use are pennies, dimes, and gold doubloons.”
A new study says that the lowest-paid workers in America often get ripped off at work. The vast majority don’t get a full lunch break, don’t get overtime, and work off the clock. Wow, that sounds like they… work in America.
Part of a 1,000-year-long piece of music is finally going to be played live. There was some disagreement about whether it was the longest piece of music ever, but Guinness officials said it only feels like a thousand years when you listen to a Jessica Simpson album.
Sudan has jailed a woman for wearing trousers. What a backward country! Condemning a woman because of the pants she wears!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
9/12
1. Tina Fey won an Emmy for her impersonation of Sarah Palin. It’s the first time an actor has won a major award for portraying a politician since Robert DeNiro’s Oscar for playing John McCain in “Raging Bull”.
2. Part of a 1,000-year-long piece of music is finally going to be played live. There was some disagreement about whether it was the longest piece of music ever, but Guinness officials said it only feels like a thousand years when you listen to a Jessica Simpson album.
3. A teacher in France was fined for biting a student. Until they found out she was a vampire, at which point she got a movie deal.
4. A new study says that bacteria use nitric oxide to defend themselves. Apparently, they originally used nitrous oxide, but the bacteria kept laughing so much, they were easy targets.
5. Ford is going to sell a car that uses fighter jet technology to make it safer. That blows. I thought it would be missiles or make the car break the sound barrier. What’s next, a car that uses AK-47 technology to make better airbags?
2. Part of a 1,000-year-long piece of music is finally going to be played live. There was some disagreement about whether it was the longest piece of music ever, but Guinness officials said it only feels like a thousand years when you listen to a Jessica Simpson album.
3. A teacher in France was fined for biting a student. Until they found out she was a vampire, at which point she got a movie deal.
4. A new study says that bacteria use nitric oxide to defend themselves. Apparently, they originally used nitrous oxide, but the bacteria kept laughing so much, they were easy targets.
5. Ford is going to sell a car that uses fighter jet technology to make it safer. That blows. I thought it would be missiles or make the car break the sound barrier. What’s next, a car that uses AK-47 technology to make better airbags?
Friday, September 11, 2009
9/11
1. A new report says Texas has the highest percentage of people without health insurance in the United States. That’s very reckless in any state where the Bush family has driver’s licenses. Apparently, most of the uninsured feel that Texas will just put them on death row eventually anyway.
2. Facebook has now launched Facebook Lite, a simpler version of Facebook for developing regions that don’t have fast internet connections. For example, anywhere covered by Time Warner Cable.
3. Two members of the community activist group ACORN were fired after an undercover camera showed them giving economic advice to a man and woman posing as a pimp and prostitute. For example, when buying a house, they reminded the couple that a whorehouse is not necessarily a whorehome. They also told the woman to register as a “performance artist” (true), maybe because she only did private exhibitions. ACORN says that the employees didn’t meet “ACORN’s standards of professionalism”, because they didn’t search the woman’s bags for cameras or try to get them to register clients to vote.
4. The U.S. Mint is going to make a new series of quarters, all devoted to national parks. You know, the national parks having been running a bad budget deficit. Maybe we could help them by using the money we’re spending to make new frigging quarters. Is there a reason for this? I understand when Coke or Nike come out with new designs, because they want to keep a buzz going, but are people not using quarters because they’re unfashionable? “Dude, fuck those ugly-ass quarters. The only coins I ever use are pennies, dimes, and gold doubloons.”
5. A new study says that the lowest-paid workers in America often get ripped off at work. The vast majority don’t get a full lunch break, don’t get overtime, and work off the clock. Wow, that sounds like they… work in America.
2. Facebook has now launched Facebook Lite, a simpler version of Facebook for developing regions that don’t have fast internet connections. For example, anywhere covered by Time Warner Cable.
3. Two members of the community activist group ACORN were fired after an undercover camera showed them giving economic advice to a man and woman posing as a pimp and prostitute. For example, when buying a house, they reminded the couple that a whorehouse is not necessarily a whorehome. They also told the woman to register as a “performance artist” (true), maybe because she only did private exhibitions. ACORN says that the employees didn’t meet “ACORN’s standards of professionalism”, because they didn’t search the woman’s bags for cameras or try to get them to register clients to vote.
4. The U.S. Mint is going to make a new series of quarters, all devoted to national parks. You know, the national parks having been running a bad budget deficit. Maybe we could help them by using the money we’re spending to make new frigging quarters. Is there a reason for this? I understand when Coke or Nike come out with new designs, because they want to keep a buzz going, but are people not using quarters because they’re unfashionable? “Dude, fuck those ugly-ass quarters. The only coins I ever use are pennies, dimes, and gold doubloons.”
5. A new study says that the lowest-paid workers in America often get ripped off at work. The vast majority don’t get a full lunch break, don’t get overtime, and work off the clock. Wow, that sounds like they… work in America.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
9/10
1. In South Africa, a company got so upset about slow internet speeds that it decided to send information by carrier pigeon. And the pigeon has been 25 times faster. However, this system makes certain sites inaccessible – not because of viruses, but because of cats.
2. Ellen DeGeneres is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol. Unfortunately, because federal law requires the panel to maintain the same average IQ, the other judges will have to be replaced with bowling balls.
3. Mike Duvall, the California state assemblyman who bragged about sex with a lobbyist in front of an open microphone, has resigned. He said that his resignation is not an admission of an affair. It’s only an admission that like most guys, he lies about his sexual conquests. He says that his crime was merely “inappropriate story-telling”. Here are some samples of his “inappropriate story-telling” (true – hard to believe, but very very true): “She’s all ‘I am going up and down the stairs and you’re dripping out of me.’” and “So I am getting into spanking her.” Actually, considering recent political scandals, that seems like very appropriate story-telling. His supporters say he was just too literal about getting in bed with lobbyists. Although technically they weren’t in bed – they were in offices, elevators, gas station bathrooms…
4. During President Obama’s speech on healthcare, Republican congressman Joe Wilson yelled out: “You lie!” And people wonder where all these crazy people at town halls are coming from -- they’re just getting ready to run for office. Sarah Palin’s people were pretty upset, because now the crazies have a new hero.
5. Several Uighur prisoners at Guantanamo Bay will be sent to the Pacific Island nation of Palau. The Uighurs were able to bond with the Palauans, because they both have names that Americans can’t pronounce.
2. Ellen DeGeneres is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol. Unfortunately, because federal law requires the panel to maintain the same average IQ, the other judges will have to be replaced with bowling balls.
3. Mike Duvall, the California state assemblyman who bragged about sex with a lobbyist in front of an open microphone, has resigned. He said that his resignation is not an admission of an affair. It’s only an admission that like most guys, he lies about his sexual conquests. He says that his crime was merely “inappropriate story-telling”. Here are some samples of his “inappropriate story-telling” (true – hard to believe, but very very true): “She’s all ‘I am going up and down the stairs and you’re dripping out of me.’” and “So I am getting into spanking her.” Actually, considering recent political scandals, that seems like very appropriate story-telling. His supporters say he was just too literal about getting in bed with lobbyists. Although technically they weren’t in bed – they were in offices, elevators, gas station bathrooms…
4. During President Obama’s speech on healthcare, Republican congressman Joe Wilson yelled out: “You lie!” And people wonder where all these crazy people at town halls are coming from -- they’re just getting ready to run for office. Sarah Palin’s people were pretty upset, because now the crazies have a new hero.
5. Several Uighur prisoners at Guantanamo Bay will be sent to the Pacific Island nation of Palau. The Uighurs were able to bond with the Palauans, because they both have names that Americans can’t pronounce.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
9/9
1. A new online version of the game Monopoly is played over a map of the whole world. Players can sabotage each other by building dumps, prisons, or wind farms next door. Wind farms. If you’d like to play, just write to Global Monopoly, c/o Exxon. Not to be confused with Exxon’s normal business division, which is also called Global Monopoly.
2. A state lawmaker from Southern California has been caught on tape bragging about having sex with female lobbyists. That’s like bragging about the hot stripper you met at a club. She’s not giving you a lap dance because she likes you. “Oh yeah, I could tell she was getting into it.” Sure, if by “it”, you mean “your wallet / vote”. Although to be fair, the lobbyists were from CHA -- the California Hypnotists Association.
3. In Ohio, a man robbed a woman, then came back a couple hours later to ask her for a date. What was his first line? “Your father must have been a thief… because I met him in prison.” “Let me take you out to dinner. I’ve got plenty of cash and credit cards. Now.”
4. A new film reveals that a female high jumper on the 1936 German Olympic team was a man (below). He says the Nazis made him do it. Yeah, they might have planned it, but something tells me they didn’t have to try very hard to convince you.
5. A new study says most people sleep better by themselves than with a partner. Then why does Hugh Hefner always look so well rested?
2. A state lawmaker from Southern California has been caught on tape bragging about having sex with female lobbyists. That’s like bragging about the hot stripper you met at a club. She’s not giving you a lap dance because she likes you. “Oh yeah, I could tell she was getting into it.” Sure, if by “it”, you mean “your wallet / vote”. Although to be fair, the lobbyists were from CHA -- the California Hypnotists Association.
3. In Ohio, a man robbed a woman, then came back a couple hours later to ask her for a date. What was his first line? “Your father must have been a thief… because I met him in prison.” “Let me take you out to dinner. I’ve got plenty of cash and credit cards. Now.”
4. A new film reveals that a female high jumper on the 1936 German Olympic team was a man (below). He says the Nazis made him do it. Yeah, they might have planned it, but something tells me they didn’t have to try very hard to convince you.
5. A new study says most people sleep better by themselves than with a partner. Then why does Hugh Hefner always look so well rested?
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
9/8
1. A man in New York is going to donate his 40th gallon of blood this week. He’s one of only two men to ever do that. However, he was a little angry today to learn that all the blood has gone to Keith Richards.
2. McDonald’s has lost an eight-year legal battle to stop a Malaysian restaurant from using the name McCurry. The main difference between the two is that McCurry serves fish heads in curry (true), while McDonald’s only uses fish heads for its hamburger meat.
3. Reporters have accused French President Nicolas Sarkozy of using stage tricks to hide his shortness. Sarkozy was so angry, that when he met one of the reporters, he punched him right in the kneecap.
4. For the first time, Tyra Banks is going to appear on her TV show with completely natural hair – no wigs, extensions, or other effects. Here’s a photo.
5. Today, Barack Obama’s controversial speech to schoolchildren, telling them to be obedient to his evil regime, received a positive review from a radical politically active former librarian. Her name? Laura Bush. Remember it well.
2. McDonald’s has lost an eight-year legal battle to stop a Malaysian restaurant from using the name McCurry. The main difference between the two is that McCurry serves fish heads in curry (true), while McDonald’s only uses fish heads for its hamburger meat.
3. Reporters have accused French President Nicolas Sarkozy of using stage tricks to hide his shortness. Sarkozy was so angry, that when he met one of the reporters, he punched him right in the kneecap.
4. For the first time, Tyra Banks is going to appear on her TV show with completely natural hair – no wigs, extensions, or other effects. Here’s a photo.
5. Today, Barack Obama’s controversial speech to schoolchildren, telling them to be obedient to his evil regime, received a positive review from a radical politically active former librarian. Her name? Laura Bush. Remember it well.
Monday, September 7, 2009
9/7
1. Sudan has jailed a woman for wearing trousers. What a backward country! Condemning a woman because of the pants she wears!
2. Van Jones, the White House’s green jobs czar, resigned after the media discovered he had signed a 9/11 Truth petition and supported communism. Said the White House: “After an extremely thorough background check, we think there will be zero controversy about our next green jobs czar -- Louis Farrakhan.”
3. In France, some scientists believe that toxic gas from rotting seaweed might have caused a couple recent deaths. However, other scientists believe that French beachgoers just need to shower more. “What’s that smell?” “Oh, it must be the seaweed.”
4. Japan’s new prime minister announced an ambitious plan to cut greenhouse gases. He said it was very important to him, because his wife knows what greenhouse gases can do to a planet, since she’s been to Venus:
5. A new species of giant rat has been found in a South Pacific volcano. Scientists said that huge rats like to cluster around holes that explode hot liquid, like my bathtub drain. The rat’s scientific name hasn’t been decided yet, but among housecats, its Latin name will be Thatfriggingthingjus Scaredtheholycrapoutofus.
2. Van Jones, the White House’s green jobs czar, resigned after the media discovered he had signed a 9/11 Truth petition and supported communism. Said the White House: “After an extremely thorough background check, we think there will be zero controversy about our next green jobs czar -- Louis Farrakhan.”
3. In France, some scientists believe that toxic gas from rotting seaweed might have caused a couple recent deaths. However, other scientists believe that French beachgoers just need to shower more. “What’s that smell?” “Oh, it must be the seaweed.”
4. Japan’s new prime minister announced an ambitious plan to cut greenhouse gases. He said it was very important to him, because his wife knows what greenhouse gases can do to a planet, since she’s been to Venus:
5. A new species of giant rat has been found in a South Pacific volcano. Scientists said that huge rats like to cluster around holes that explode hot liquid, like my bathtub drain. The rat’s scientific name hasn’t been decided yet, but among housecats, its Latin name will be Thatfriggingthingjus Scaredtheholycrapoutofus.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
A new report says the living conditions of guards at the U.S. embassy in Afghanistan are like ‘Lord of the Flies’. White House officials called the report a major breakthrough. “This is great! The rest of the country is like ‘Mad Max’.”
Typical daily schedule for Eddie Perez, mayor of Hartford:
6AM: Wake up
8AM: Surrender to police
8:30AM: Arrive at office
10AM: Surrender to police
12:30PM: Lunch
3PM: Karaoke. Favorite song: “Sweet Surrender”
5PM: Leave office
6PM: Surrender to call girl wearing police uniform
7PM: Dinner
8PM: Surrender, Dorothy
11PM: Surrender to sleep
3AM: Surrender to SWAT team coming through windows
A flight from Bangladesh to London was delayed 10 hours because every one of the plane’s five toilets were plugged up. According to the airline, the main problem was that too many of the passengers had eaten in Bangladesh. Though to be honest, this problem usually occurs when flying the other way from London.
The Today Show is hiring Jenna Bush as a reporter, continuing the Bush tradition of getting jobs without having shown any particular competence. Some people wonder if she’ll be able to wake up that early, but it will actually be the last thing she does before going to bed.
Whitney Houston has a new album called “I Look to You”. The long-delayed album was originally scheduled before her divorce from Bobby Brown, when the title was “I Look at You and Wonder What the Hell I Was Thinking”.
The drug company Pfizer has been fined $2.3 billion for saying its drugs could do things that haven't been approved by regulators. For example, it said the anti-psychotic drug Geodon could also stop the CIA from transmitting messages to your brain. “Either way – you’ll feel better.”
An ad by the clothing maker American Apparel has been banned because its semi-nude model looks under 16. In response, nervous film-makers cancelled an upcoming nude scene by Shia Labeouf.
Two newspapers in Bangladesh mistakenly published a fake news article from the Onion that said Neil Armstrong admitted the Moon landings were a hoax. It was the biggest mistake the newspapers had made since publishing NASA’s original hoax 40 years ago.
In Illinois, a boy kidnapped two years ago was found alive hidden behind a wall. Of course, it’s very common in Illinois to find people behind walls (especially in the governor’s mansion), but they’ve never been alive before. The child apparently belonged to the Duggar family, but no one even noticed he was missing until this week.
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are going to have their 19th child. 19th! In related news, Ms. Duggar’s uterus has petitioned Amnesty International to be freed from slave labor conditions.
A new study says women are genetically much more likely than men to have a fear of spiders and snakes. Or as my girlfriend likes to call it: common sense.
The new Smart Choices nutritional program has decided that mayonnaise and Fudgsicles are healthy (true). Very surprisingly, the program was developed by food manufacturers. It was adapted from the nutrition label system in China, where it’s all about how long food takes to kill you. “Mayonnaise can take years!”
A new study says Chicago is America’s most stressful city. One expert said that people in Chicago should change their environment by going to a Cubs game (true). Yeah, like being a Cubs fan is going to lower your stress.
The White House released a photo of President Obama’s daughter Sasha sneaking up on him at work. There was also video footage:
Typical daily schedule for Eddie Perez, mayor of Hartford:
6AM: Wake up
8AM: Surrender to police
8:30AM: Arrive at office
10AM: Surrender to police
12:30PM: Lunch
3PM: Karaoke. Favorite song: “Sweet Surrender”
5PM: Leave office
6PM: Surrender to call girl wearing police uniform
7PM: Dinner
8PM: Surrender, Dorothy
11PM: Surrender to sleep
3AM: Surrender to SWAT team coming through windows
A flight from Bangladesh to London was delayed 10 hours because every one of the plane’s five toilets were plugged up. According to the airline, the main problem was that too many of the passengers had eaten in Bangladesh. Though to be honest, this problem usually occurs when flying the other way from London.
The Today Show is hiring Jenna Bush as a reporter, continuing the Bush tradition of getting jobs without having shown any particular competence. Some people wonder if she’ll be able to wake up that early, but it will actually be the last thing she does before going to bed.
Whitney Houston has a new album called “I Look to You”. The long-delayed album was originally scheduled before her divorce from Bobby Brown, when the title was “I Look at You and Wonder What the Hell I Was Thinking”.
The drug company Pfizer has been fined $2.3 billion for saying its drugs could do things that haven't been approved by regulators. For example, it said the anti-psychotic drug Geodon could also stop the CIA from transmitting messages to your brain. “Either way – you’ll feel better.”
An ad by the clothing maker American Apparel has been banned because its semi-nude model looks under 16. In response, nervous film-makers cancelled an upcoming nude scene by Shia Labeouf.
Two newspapers in Bangladesh mistakenly published a fake news article from the Onion that said Neil Armstrong admitted the Moon landings were a hoax. It was the biggest mistake the newspapers had made since publishing NASA’s original hoax 40 years ago.
In Illinois, a boy kidnapped two years ago was found alive hidden behind a wall. Of course, it’s very common in Illinois to find people behind walls (especially in the governor’s mansion), but they’ve never been alive before. The child apparently belonged to the Duggar family, but no one even noticed he was missing until this week.
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are going to have their 19th child. 19th! In related news, Ms. Duggar’s uterus has petitioned Amnesty International to be freed from slave labor conditions.
A new study says women are genetically much more likely than men to have a fear of spiders and snakes. Or as my girlfriend likes to call it: common sense.
The new Smart Choices nutritional program has decided that mayonnaise and Fudgsicles are healthy (true). Very surprisingly, the program was developed by food manufacturers. It was adapted from the nutrition label system in China, where it’s all about how long food takes to kill you. “Mayonnaise can take years!”
A new study says Chicago is America’s most stressful city. One expert said that people in Chicago should change their environment by going to a Cubs game (true). Yeah, like being a Cubs fan is going to lower your stress.
The White House released a photo of President Obama’s daughter Sasha sneaking up on him at work. There was also video footage:
Saturday, September 5, 2009
9/5
1. In Illinois, a boy kidnapped two years ago was found alive hidden behind a wall. Of course, it’s very common in Illinois to find people behind walls (especially in the governor’s mansion), but they’ve never been alive before. The child apparently belonged to the Duggar family, but no one even noticed he was missing until this week.
2. The Duggar family is going to have its 19th child. 19th! In related news, Ms. Duggar’s uterus has petitioned Amnesty International to be freed from slave labor conditions.
3. A new study says that women are genetically much more likely to have a fear of spiders and snakes. Or as my girlfriend likes to call it: common sense.
4. The new Smart Choices nutritional program has decided that mayonnaise and Fudgsicles are healthy (true). Very surprisingly, the program was developed by food manufacturers. It was adapted from the nutritional label system in China, where it’s all about how long food takes to kill you. “Mayonnaise can take years!”
5. Some Wall Street banks are now going to create bonds made from life insurance, so the sooner people die, the more money investors make. Literally. It used to just be indirect. The idea was developed during a workshop called: “How Can Wall Street Make Itself Seem Even More Evil?” Another program in development lets investors make money from parents abandoning their children. The picture below shows two of the main bankers building this program (true). I notice they’re wearing black. And smiling.
2. The Duggar family is going to have its 19th child. 19th! In related news, Ms. Duggar’s uterus has petitioned Amnesty International to be freed from slave labor conditions.
3. A new study says that women are genetically much more likely to have a fear of spiders and snakes. Or as my girlfriend likes to call it: common sense.
4. The new Smart Choices nutritional program has decided that mayonnaise and Fudgsicles are healthy (true). Very surprisingly, the program was developed by food manufacturers. It was adapted from the nutritional label system in China, where it’s all about how long food takes to kill you. “Mayonnaise can take years!”
5. Some Wall Street banks are now going to create bonds made from life insurance, so the sooner people die, the more money investors make. Literally. It used to just be indirect. The idea was developed during a workshop called: “How Can Wall Street Make Itself Seem Even More Evil?” Another program in development lets investors make money from parents abandoning their children. The picture below shows two of the main bankers building this program (true). I notice they’re wearing black. And smiling.
Friday, September 4, 2009
9/4
1. A new study says women with extremely thin thighs have a higher risk of heart disease. The study emphasized that this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to the gym. Just that you can safely mock the bulimic women who are there all the time.
2. Two newspapers in Bangladesh mistakenly published a fake news article from the Onion that said Neil Armstrong admitted the Moon landings were a hoax. It was the biggest mistake the newspapers had made since publishing NASA’s original hoax 40 years ago.
3. At a state fair competition in Dallas this year, a man is selling fried butter. Don’t people usually fry things IN butter? That’s like breaded bread. The yearly fair has earned Dallas the nickname of Fried Food Capital of Texas. Which is really the major leagues. It would be nothing to be the Fried Food Capital of Washington -- that’s like being the Scuba Diving Capital of Switzerland. The competition gives two awards: Best Taste and Most Creative. Last year’s Most Creative winner -- a deep-fried can of Diet Coke.
4. A new study says eating late at night makes people gain weight. So why are vampires always so skinny? The study also said that eating during the day can be a problem too.
5. At a Wal-Mart in Georgia, a man was arrested for repeatedly slapping a crying 2-year-old. After slapping the child, other shoppers in the store immediately burst into applause, confirming Georgia’s nickname -- the Child-Hater State.
2. Two newspapers in Bangladesh mistakenly published a fake news article from the Onion that said Neil Armstrong admitted the Moon landings were a hoax. It was the biggest mistake the newspapers had made since publishing NASA’s original hoax 40 years ago.
3. At a state fair competition in Dallas this year, a man is selling fried butter. Don’t people usually fry things IN butter? That’s like breaded bread. The yearly fair has earned Dallas the nickname of Fried Food Capital of Texas. Which is really the major leagues. It would be nothing to be the Fried Food Capital of Washington -- that’s like being the Scuba Diving Capital of Switzerland. The competition gives two awards: Best Taste and Most Creative. Last year’s Most Creative winner -- a deep-fried can of Diet Coke.
4. A new study says eating late at night makes people gain weight. So why are vampires always so skinny? The study also said that eating during the day can be a problem too.
5. At a Wal-Mart in Georgia, a man was arrested for repeatedly slapping a crying 2-year-old. After slapping the child, other shoppers in the store immediately burst into applause, confirming Georgia’s nickname -- the Child-Hater State.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
9/3
1. Typical daily schedule for Eddie Perez, mayor of Hartford:
6AM: Wake up
8AM: Surrender to police
8:30AM: Arrive at office
10AM: Surrender to police
12:30PM: Lunch
3PM: Karaoke. Favorite song: “Sweet Surrender”
5PM: Leave office
6PM: Surrender to call girl wearing police uniform
7PM: Dinner
8PM: Surrender, Dorothy
11PM: Surrender to sleep
3AM: Surrender to SWAT team coming through windows
2. The White House released a photo of President Obama’s daughter Sasha sneaking up on him at work. There was also video footage:
3. Iran now has its first female cabinet minister in 30 years. She’s extremely conservative, which means if she has a bad day, her sister can replace her without anyone knowing, since they have the same eyes.
4. In a new interview, Megan Fox casually wondered if she has mental problems. Not unlike the people who keep publishing whatever comes out of her mouth.
5. The FDA just found a whole frog in a can of diet soda. However, the soda maker claims that’s the “diet” part -- once you see the frog, you’re going to stop drinking soda.
6AM: Wake up
8AM: Surrender to police
8:30AM: Arrive at office
10AM: Surrender to police
12:30PM: Lunch
3PM: Karaoke. Favorite song: “Sweet Surrender”
5PM: Leave office
6PM: Surrender to call girl wearing police uniform
7PM: Dinner
8PM: Surrender, Dorothy
11PM: Surrender to sleep
3AM: Surrender to SWAT team coming through windows
2. The White House released a photo of President Obama’s daughter Sasha sneaking up on him at work. There was also video footage:
3. Iran now has its first female cabinet minister in 30 years. She’s extremely conservative, which means if she has a bad day, her sister can replace her without anyone knowing, since they have the same eyes.
4. In a new interview, Megan Fox casually wondered if she has mental problems. Not unlike the people who keep publishing whatever comes out of her mouth.
5. The FDA just found a whole frog in a can of diet soda. However, the soda maker claims that’s the “diet” part -- once you see the frog, you’re going to stop drinking soda.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
9/2
1. The drug company Pfizer has been fined $2.3 billion for saying its drugs could do things that haven't been approved by regulators. For example, it said the anti-psychotic drug Geodon could also stop CIA radio transmissions to tooth fillings. “Either way – you’ll feel better.”
2. An ad by the clothing maker American Apparel has been banned because its semi-nude model looks under 16. In response, nervous film-makers cancelled an upcoming nude scene by Shia Labeouf.
3. A new study says Chicago is America’s most stressful city. One expert said that people in Chicago should change their environments by going to a Cubs game (true). Yeah, like being a Cubs fan is going to lower your stress.
4. A new report says the Xbox is the least reliable video game console. In a test of consoles, the Xbox not only forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, but also had a quickie affair with the pinball cougar down the block. Which is still way more than its average user is getting.
5. A new report says the living conditions of guards at the U.S. embassy in Afghanistan are like “Lord of the Flies”. Especially on Free Pizza Day. White House officials called the results a major breakthrough. “This is great! The rest of the country is like “Mad Max”.”
2. An ad by the clothing maker American Apparel has been banned because its semi-nude model looks under 16. In response, nervous film-makers cancelled an upcoming nude scene by Shia Labeouf.
3. A new study says Chicago is America’s most stressful city. One expert said that people in Chicago should change their environments by going to a Cubs game (true). Yeah, like being a Cubs fan is going to lower your stress.
4. A new report says the Xbox is the least reliable video game console. In a test of consoles, the Xbox not only forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, but also had a quickie affair with the pinball cougar down the block. Which is still way more than its average user is getting.
5. A new report says the living conditions of guards at the U.S. embassy in Afghanistan are like “Lord of the Flies”. Especially on Free Pizza Day. White House officials called the results a major breakthrough. “This is great! The rest of the country is like “Mad Max”.”
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
9/1
1. A new study says huge engineering projects could reduce global warming, though they also pose the risk of increasing people who think global warming can be solved by giant crazy gadgets. One proposal is to send one million mirrors a minute into space for the next 30 years. To get that many mirrors, scientists plan to raid the home of Simon Cowell. Other proposals are inspired by volcanoes, such as aerosols and sacrificing virgins. Suitable candidates will be found by cross-referencing people camping in line for the new “Twilight” movie with people who camped for “Harry Potter”.
2. Whitney Houston has a new album called “I Look to You”. The long-delayed album was originally scheduled before her divorce from Bobby Brown, when the title was “I Look at You and Wonder What the Hell I Was Thinking”.
3. The president of Zambia has thrown out all the monkeys living in his house, because one urinated on him a couple months ago. Obama almost did the same thing after a similar incident with reporters from Fox News.
4. Today in Poland, there are major ceremonies marking the 70th anniversary of the beginning of World War II. Unless you’re in Russia, when it began on June 22, 1941. Or the United States, when it began on December 7, 1941. Or China and Japan, when it began on July 7, 1937. Or the Czech Republic, when it began on October 1, 1938. But if you’re Polish, British, or French, World War II started today. And if you act now, you can already reserve tickets for the 200th anniversary, to be held in Fallout Shelter A7G9.
5. Luxury cars are continuing to sell well in India. Of course in a country where most people can barely afford a bicycle, the definition of “luxury car” is simply “a car”.
2. Whitney Houston has a new album called “I Look to You”. The long-delayed album was originally scheduled before her divorce from Bobby Brown, when the title was “I Look at You and Wonder What the Hell I Was Thinking”.
3. The president of Zambia has thrown out all the monkeys living in his house, because one urinated on him a couple months ago. Obama almost did the same thing after a similar incident with reporters from Fox News.
4. Today in Poland, there are major ceremonies marking the 70th anniversary of the beginning of World War II. Unless you’re in Russia, when it began on June 22, 1941. Or the United States, when it began on December 7, 1941. Or China and Japan, when it began on July 7, 1937. Or the Czech Republic, when it began on October 1, 1938. But if you’re Polish, British, or French, World War II started today. And if you act now, you can already reserve tickets for the 200th anniversary, to be held in Fallout Shelter A7G9.
5. Luxury cars are continuing to sell well in India. Of course in a country where most people can barely afford a bicycle, the definition of “luxury car” is simply “a car”.
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