4/30

1. A high school marching band girl in California beat up two muggers with her marching baton. That explains all those moves out on the field -- it’s a martial art! Forget kung fu! Learn marching band style.

2. John Edwards’ wife says that learning about his affair made her ill. Yeah, join the club.

3. Speaking about the swine flu, Vice President Joe Biden said: “I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined spaces now.” Yes, it must be nice to work at home. So all you millions who have to commute -- screw that! Hopefully this means car-trunk kidnappings will be down.

4. Reports are saying that Microsoft is giving its new Windows 7 some “spit and polish”. That’s because it actually has gears and belts inside.

5. Human rights protesters are gathering at the White House. They’re upset that all this attention is being paid to swine flu. What about human flu? We need our rights protected too.

4/29

1. The favorite horse to win the Kentucky Derby this year is named “I Want Revenge”. It’s jointly owned by everyone with a savings account at Citibank.

2. TimeWarner is going to spin off the internet division America Online. Apparently advertising has fallen at America Online, because no one uses it anymore.

3. In Kenya, a group of women is encouraging wives to deny their husbands sex until the husbands agree to get along politically. If that doesn’t work, well, then at least the population will vanish and the problem will be solved that way too. One way or another, there’s going to be an end to the fighting.

4. A new study says that taking aspirin could cut your risk of cancer, because if you don’t have headaches, you won’t want to smoke as much.

5. Microsoft has officially declared that it is not going to make a phone, because it wants to avoid its customers communicating with each other.

4/28

1. One of the first countries to report swine flu is Israel, igniting a major debate there over whether swine flu is kosher.

2. The Supreme Court has ruled it is okay for the government to fine broadcasters for even one swear word on live TV. Before then, broadcasters had one free expletive. Which is what led to this infamous incident. [Show video of Barbara Bush speaking, and then have an enormous bleep that lasts for ten seconds.] It was, technically, just one swear word. She was speaking in German.

3. Somali fishermen are now organizing into militias to catch pirates. But aren’t the pirates already former fisherman militias? I hear one Somali militia has already captured a pirate ship from that infamous group known as “Norwegian Cruise”.

4. On the economy, newspapers are reporting anything they can get their hands on. Like today, “Lithuania Economy Shrinks 12%”. Really? What, people aren’t buying fish? No disrespect to Lithuania, but I don’t really care.

5. On President Obama's 100th day in office, Republican Senator Arlen Specter said he would become a Democrat, giving the Democrats 59 votes in the Senate. Here’s a picture of Specter announcing the switch.

BEST OF THE WEEK

An extreme animal rights activist from California has been added to the FBI’s Most Wanted list. So if you see the man in this picture, please call the police immediately. He may give himself up if the price is right.

A lot of luxury seats at the new Yankee Stadium are apparently going empty, because the only people in New York who can afford them these days are already out on the field.

Scientists have finally sequenced the DNA of cows! Now we might finally isolate the gene that allows them to be so easily tipped.

Yesterday, Bea Arthur was remembered by her “Golden Girl” co-stars, which was very touching, because these days most of them can’t remember their own names.

Salaries on Wall Street are now approaching the same levels as last year. I guess it’s time for those special payment packages called “golden parachutes”. Because a parachute made out of gold would not work.

Michelle Obama has revealed that she and her staff like to sneak off to restaurants without anyone knowing. But she emphasized that the Secret Service still comes. So just the First Lady, staff members, and five guys the size of Hummers. Yeah, I bet no one notices that.

Health experts are saying the Miss Universe beauty pageant contestant from Australia is malnourished and has an eating disorder. In other words… she’s competing in a beauty pageant.

Barack Obama says he’s going to bring the leaders of Israel and Palestine to Washington. Great! Netanyahu and Hamas together at the bargaining table! Oh, wait, he means Mahmoud Abbas, the man whose party lost both the Palestinian election and a recent civil war. Hmm, yes. That’s like Britain saying: “Hey, we’re going to bring together the leaders of China and the United States!” And then inviting John McCain.

4/27

1. Did you hear that more and more places in Switzerland are banning nude hiking? Because whenever I think of a place I want to be naked, it’s always high alpine mountains. Nothing like snow and lots of ultraviolet radiation for the groin.

2. Yesterday, Bea Arthur was remembered by her “Golden Girl” co-stars, which was very touching, because most of them can’t remember their own names now.

3. Prince Charles of England and the Pope have held a major meeting to discuss environmental issues. Yes, two outdated relics of medieval politics talking about things that they have no impact on. I also hear there’s going to be a major meeting between Michael Jackson and the cast of “Friends”.

4. A leader of Buddhist monks in Thailand is upset because there are too many transgender monks. These are guys who become monks, but wear tight revealing robes, carry purses, or wear makeup. You see, in the States, our priests do that in private.

5. In Spain, a small town is trying to become the European Las Vegas. It too wants to become an out-of-control city in the middle of the desert, sucking water away from farms and nature.

4/25

1. Ten cases of swine flu have been discovered in the United States. Now Swine flu is apparently a mix of human, pig, and bird flus. I think the next big flu is going to be flu flu. “This is a strain of flu that infects the flu. Flu flu been decimating the flu. We‘re very worried about the flu population.”

2. Salaries on Wall Street are now approaching the same levels as last year. I guess it’s time for those special payment packages called “golden parachutes”. Because a parachute made out of gold would not work.

3. You know Susan Boyle [show picture]? A new video has emerged that shows her singing in a bar when she was 25. Can we see some video of that? [Show the video, but superimpose an image of Angelina Jolie singing.] Well, that Scottish weather is obviously not so good for the skin.

4. A new report says that dogs can smell cancer on people’s breath. You know, I don’t think dogs should really be talking about human breath. Dogs don’t even mind toilet water on their breath. How are they going to pick up cancer?

5. A woman in Switzerland was fired when co-workers noticed that she was using Facebook even though she said that she was too “ill” to use a computer. She said that she had a migraine. Yeah, that’s what I said about finding my wife in bed with another guy.

4/24

1. Scientists have finally sequenced the DNA of cows! Now we might finally isolate the gene that allows them to be so easily tipped.

2. Health experts are saying the Miss Universe beauty pageant contestant from Australia is malnourished and has an eating disorder. In other words... she’s competing in a beauty pageant.

3. Did you hear in Detroit, some thieves were robbing a house, shot at a neighbor who was watching, and the bullet bounced off the neighbor’s bra? Yeah, and I was so lucky to be wearing that.

4. Michelle Obama revealed that she and her staff like to sneak off to restaurants without anyone knowing. But she emphasized that the Secret Service still come. So just the First Lady, staff members, and five guys the size of Hummers. Yeah, I bet no one notices that.

5. Microsoft had its first drop in sales since it became a public company. Actually, the sales were originally believed to be positive, but then they ran the numbers on an Apple computer and found the error.

4/24

1. In Japan, a major pop star was found naked and drunk in a park last night. He was originally a member of the pop group SMAP, which apparently stands for Showing My Ass Publicly.

2. Have you heard about this German couple who abandoned their kids at a pizzeria in Italy because they ran out of money? Yeah, I’ve been there, but my local pizza place won‘t let me pay with my kids. Police eventually found the couple hiding in the woods. Wow, in German fairy tales it’s usually the other way around -- the kids get left in the woods and the parents go back to the warm building.

3. The President of Paraguay, who has already admitted to fathering at least one child while still a priest, has now been accused of fathering two more. He explained that he thought the name of the country required it -- “Pair of Guay”. In the Vatican, people were just thankful he was sleeping with adult women.

4. The government is privately giving out the results of its bank stress tests. They say they are doing this to give the public time to understand the tests. I think it’s to give the banks enough time to handle their panic attacks.

5. In Spain, the unemployment rate has hit 17%. Man, if you want to feel better about life in the United States, just look at that. If the unemployment rate was 17% in the United States, there would be riots in the streets.

4/22

1. A lot of luxury seats at the new Yankee Stadium are going empty, because the only people in New York who can afford them these days are already out on the field.

2. In Massachusetts, a man dressed as a ninja tried to rob a dry cleaner. But he left when the clerk told him she couldn’t open the drawer. Well, now we know he wasn’t a real ninja, because he would have been able to open the drawer for her.

3. A mysterious distant space blob has been confusing scientists trying to figure out what it is. That is, until they realized that it was just a reflection from Simon Cowell’s teeth.

4. Venezuela gave back to the United States an island in a river near Philadelphia. Up until now, they had been keeping the island under Hugo Chavez’s second chin.

5. Apple said that it made a big profit recently, thanks especially to iPhone sales. Because even if you lost your private jet on Wall Street, at least you maintain your feeling of superiority with an iPhone.

4/21

1. An extreme animal rights activist from California has been added to the FBI’s Most Wanted list. So if you see the man pictured here, please call the police immediately. He may give himself up peacefully if the price is right.

2. Obama says he’s going to bring the leaders of Israel and the Palestinians to Washington. Oh wow! Netanyahu and Hamas together at the bargaining table! Oh, wait, he means Mahmoud Abbas, the man whose party lost both the Palestinian election and a recent civil war. Hmm, yes. That’s like Britain saying:: “Hey, we’re going to bring together the leaders of China and the United States!” And then inviting John McCain.

3. A new device lets long-distance couples be intimate by using lights to simulate the presence of the other person. Um, don’t we already have that? Isn’t it called video?

4. Google is now going to base a lot of its search results on pictures. Which means no matter what you search for, you’re going to start connecting to a lot of sites on drinking and flashing breasts.

5. A new report by the International Monetary Fund says that the banking crisis will lead to losses of $4 kajillion dollars. They’re calling on everyone to just give all their money to the banks. All of it. Every penny. And if you don’t, then you’re not American.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Today is April 20, which is both Hitler’s birthday and a holiday for marijuana. Now, I’d like to see that parade. People getting stoned and others doing the stoning. Finally a parade that both the left and the right can get behind… and hate. Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore would be side by side. “You know, Rush, I really don’t like this parade.” “Dittos, Mike.”

The Somali pirate captured last week has now arrived in New York. Apparently his mother has pleaded with President Obama to let him go, because she says he was talked into piracy by “gangsters with money”. Um, isn’t that why almost all robbers get into the business? “Hey, I only attacked that boat because I wanted to make money!” I hope that’s not his defense in court.

President Obama is going to regulate CO2 as a pollutant. Many right-wing pundits are upset, because this might force them to cut down on their own hot air.

The U.S. government is now threatening to jail captured Somali pirates. But you probably aren’t going to stop piracy as long as American prison is way better than regular life in Somalia.

Analysts say that until unemployment rates go down, the economy will not improve. Gee, thanks for that! I had no idea. I hear that without jobs, people aren’t going to be commuting to work as much either.

4/20

1. Today is April 20, which is both Hitler’s birthday and a holiday for marijuana. Now, I’d like to see that parade. People getting stoned and others doing the stoning. Finally a parade that both the left and the right can get behind… and hate. Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore would be side by side. “You know, Rush, I really don’t like this parade.” “Dittos, Mike.”

2. The Somali pirate captured last week has now arrived in New York. Apparently his mother has pleaded with President Obama to let him go, because she says he was talked into piracy by “gangsters with money”. Um, isn’t that why almost all robbers get into the business? “Hey, I only attacked that boat because I wanted to make money!” I hope that’s not his defense in court.

3. A new study says the Great Wall of China is much longer than its official distance. In fact, it’s over 50% longer! That’s similar to new studies about watching the movie “Fast & Furious”. It feels 50% longer than the official running time.

4. A candidate for mayor of Detroit has walked away from the mortgage on his house. He says that’s what he’s also thinking about doing with the whole city. “Let’s just call it a loss and walk away.”

5. Did you hear about this big boycott of the UN’s racism summit in Switzerland? Apparently, people are upset that Israel is being called a racist nation, just because it was established on Arab land, openly discriminates against Arabs, and violently enforces a state of apartheid similar to South Africa’s campaign against blacks. Yeah, who would ever call that racism?

4/19

1. Somali gunman have kidnapped members of Doctors Without Borders. First they capture food aid, now they capture charity doctors. These guys are really masters of public relations. I hear next they’re going to kidnap orphans and try to get money from Madonna.

2. The White House is going to target credit card companies that charge huge interest rates. I think it’s because they’re thinking of using them too. Think of that new Visa ad: “Incompetent Wall Street investment banks. We need to give them private jets and limousines -- and they don’t take American Express.”

3. The number one movie at the box office is “17 Again”, which stars Zac Efron as an actor who wishes he could play cute high school kids forever.

4. Exxon-Mobil has now beaten Wal-Mart to become the biggest company in the world. Wal-Mart needs to start offering gas discounts.

5. Obama has been getting criticism over his smile and handshake for Hugo Chavez. Most pundits wanted him to spit in the guy’s face.

4/17

1. President Obama is going to regulate CO2 as a pollutant. Many right-wing pundits are upset, because this might force them to cut down on their own hot air.

2. A court in Norway has jailed the founders of Pirate Bay. Not the Somali kind, but the music stealing kind. Oh, those innocent days.

3. The captain of the ship that was taken by pirates is going home. He plans to fly, because planes never get hijacked.

4. Three million fitness balls are being recalled after discovering that they could explode from over inflation. That happened with my balls too.

5. There is now a new rival for the world’s tallest man. The previous tallest man was Phil Spector.

4/16

1. Did you hear that Nadya Suleman, the woman who had the octuplets, is trying to trademark the name “Octomom”? That makes sense, since like her pregnancy, this is a bad thing that she somehow believes is good.

2. A man in Spain has been caught performing plastic surgery with veterinary tools. He would do it in his home, surrounded by his three dogs, a cat, and a parrot. Now wouldn’t you become suspicious under these circumstances? “Um, your nurse is wagging her tail.” “Are all your nurses named Polly?”

3. An airplane in Australia had to be evacuated when baby pythons escaped. Fortunately, the baby pythons were only six inches long. Well, if that’s worrisome, I should stop flashing people on planes. People might think a snake got loose.

4. A nurse in Wisconsin was called out of surgery to be told that she was being laid off. I wouldn’t want to be that patient. What was she like when she returned? “Nurse, sponge." "What, is that a crack about my job?"

5. Requests for medical marijuana have skyrocketed since Obama took office. You might even say they’re going sky high.

4/15

1. The first performance of the YouTube orchestra debuted today, where all of the members were chosen by auditions on YouTube. Can we see a clip of that? [Show footage of the performance, but after a couple seconds, freeze the frame.] Oh man, the musicians were doing that all night. Just wait, they’ll start up again. [The footage unfreezes, then quickly freezes again.] The concert took about 15 hours in total. Audience members applauded by making Mentos Coca-Cola fountains and singing Rick Astley songs.

2. More pirate attacks near Somalia. And now America is threatening to jail captured pirates. But you probably aren’t going to stop piracy as long as American prison is way better than regular life in Somalia.

3. The first round of elections in India is now underway. The elections are expected to last about a month. Some of you might be wondering why they go so much faster than ours.

4. In Canada, police have arrested several members of the Hells Angels. Hells Angels in Canada. You might want to go out and make some outlandish bets, because apparently Hell can freeze over.

5. Did you see Susan Boyle, this 47-year-old woman in England who auditioned for the TV show Britain Has Talent? Everyone thought she was going to be a joke, and she blew them all away. This was the biggest surprise since my own audition. [Show footage of @@@ on a stage lip-syncing to “Natural Woman”.]

4/14

1. Analysts say that until unemployment rates go down, the economy will not improve. Gee, thanks for that! I had no idea. I hear that without jobs, people aren’t going to be commuting to work as much either.

2. Other experts say that economic data is usually at its worst just before it starts to change. Yeah, that’s what ‘change’ means. If it was improving before the ‘change’, then it wouldn’t be change. It would be what is known as ‘continuation’.

3. General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles because their engines might catch on fire. Now if only GM would catch on fire. No, I mean that metaphorically! Have you been to Detroit? People have already done it in the literal sense.

4. Caroline Kennedy was apparently a nominee for ambassador to the Vatican. Will this woman ever try to get into political office by an election? Is she a germophobe? Maybe she's afraid of shaking all those hands.

5. People are calling Mel Gibson’s upcoming divorce a “billion-dollar” divorce. A billion? He shouldn’t go to Somalia.

BEST OF THE WEEK

The Wall Street Journal reports that spies have been infiltrating American water and power grids, leaving behind software that could wreck all of our systems. The software is called Microsoft Vista.

There’s a new spray that can prolong how long men can have sex by 600%. But it works by numbing the penis so you can’t feel anything. That’s like saying you can extend a gourmet meal by 600% -- just spray the food with manure.

In England yesterday, a Brazilian woman was denied entry to the country because her suitcase only had lingerie and t-shirts. Yeah, that’s why they stopped me too.

Dave Arneson, one of the founders of the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons died yesterday. He is survived by his daughter, physical proof that he was the only player of Dungeons & Dragons to ever get laid.

The big hit at the box office this weekend was the Hannah Montana movie. Exit polling showed that 80 percent of the audience were female, 15% were extremely dazed fathers, and 5% were registered sex offenders.

Hugh Jackman says that he’s “heartbroken” over the release of the new Wolverine movie on the internet. Literally, when he heard the news, he reached into someone’s chest and pulled out their heart.

Newly released records show that the president of Russia owns two parking places. That’s not impressive. I own at least ten parking spaces -- if you count my lawn. When my cousin comes over, you can sometimes count my living room.

Today, Chris Brown pleaded not guilty to charges that he assaulted Rihanna. Later it became clear that he misunderstood -- he just meant that he doesn’t feel guilty about it.

4/13

1. Did you hear about this plane passenger in Florida who landed the plane after the pilot died? I can empathize, because one time I had to finish jacking myself off after killing my hooker.

2. In England yesterday, a Brazilian woman was denied entry to the country when her suitcase only had lingerie and t-shirts. Yeah, that’s why they stopped me too.

3. Scientists have now discovered nerves in the body that are specifically designed for pleasure. They are only found on hairy skin and not on the palms. Well, except for my palms. Since I’m aware of some pleasure nerves too.

4. President Obama is going to make travel between the U.S. and Cuba easier. The plan is to build walls to make the ocean less wavy for rafts.

5. Did you hear about this guy in Norway who was arrested for driving on a highway while having sex? Not a blowjob. The woman was in his lap. The police caught them when the woman mistakenly got on the gear shift and the car started going everywhere.

4/11

1. Did you know that billions of dollars in refunds are waiting for people who haven’t filed tax returns? Billions! One investment banker didn’t quite get it, though. He said that more Americans might be willing to take their refunds if Obama didn’t make them give up their private jets.

2. The Obama family finally picked a new puppy. White House staff said the dog is now in the care of the Kennedys’ dog trainers at a secret location outside Washington. That should make the right wing happy -- the Kennedys have a secret compound just outside Washington. Or as it’s known in canine circles -- the secret brainwashing camp. “Jimmy came back from there and he was a different dog. Fetch, stay, sit! He couldn’t even lick his own genitals without a command.”

3. The big hit at the box office this weekend was the Hannah Montana movie. Exit polling showed that 80 percent of the audience were female, 15% were extremely dazed fathers, and 5% were registered sex offenders.

4. There was recently a lingerie show in India. Can we see some shots of that? [Show women in big full-length saris.] Pretty racy! I think I saw an ankle in there. No, it was a real lingerie show. Unfortunately, the women can now never get married.

5. The Taliban burned ten trucks of cement headed for Western forces in Afghanistan. Because sidewalks are the work of the devil! Because they lead to hopscotch! Which leads to girls learning how to count! It’s all a plot!

4/10

1. Dave Arneson, one of the founders of the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons died yesterday. He is survived by his daughter, physical proof that he was the only player of Dungeons & Dragons to ever get laid.

2. Have you heard about how Nokia pulls cell phones out of pockets 750,000 times to test the wear and tear? That’s why I had to have surgery on my dick.

3. In Britain, the recent rise in dental work for children is being called “troubling”. Yes, how surprising that would be the case in Britain.

4. Liam Neeson is going to play Zeus in the remake of “Clash of the Titans”. It‘s the first remake, not counting the direct-to-video “Clash of the Tight Ass”.

5. Did you see this Indian man who tried to set a world record by eating 51 of the world’s hottest chili peppers in just two minutes? Maybe this is why they don’t do a lot of kissing in India. I thought it was religious reasons, but actually it’s because your girlfriend’s lips will catch on fire.

4/9

1. Doctors have developed new tests to better show where back pain is coming from. For example, I had no idea where my back pain was coming from, but then these new special cameras were able to pinpoint it. Can we look at that? [Show x-ray picture of @@@ with a large man clinging to his back.] I had no idea!

2. Hundreds of people in Iowa gathered yesterday to protest the legalization of gay marriage. Many of them had prearranged to wear red shirts [show photo], although there was some confusion today when the person washing the red shirts used a little too much bleach [show photo of all the protestors wearing pink shirts]. Yeah, have to plan that a little more carefully.

3. A British team exploring the Arctic is running into a lot of problems, mainly due to a device they’re using called “Sprite”. Well, of course they’re having problems! Everyone knows you should use Coca-cola! Sprite can’t withstand that harsh climate, while Coca-cola is designed to withstand a nuclear holocaust.

4. Kim Jong Il, the leader of North Korea, has recently appeared in public for the first time since he underwent major surgery to keep him alive. Can we see the footage of him now? [Show footage of Darth Vader.]

5. A town in Missouri just re-elected its mayor, even though he died several weeks ago from a heart attack. They figured that in these times, they need someone who can talk to God directly.

4/8

1. A new report says that 97% of e-mails sent out are unwanted. 40% of unwanted e-mails are from spammers and the rest are from my cousin-in-law.

2. The Wall Street Journal reports that spies have been infiltrating American water and power grids, leaving behind software that could wreck all of our systems. The software is called Microsoft Vista.

3. Hugh Jackman says that he’s “heartbroken” over the release of the new Wolverine movie on the internet. Literally, when he heard the news, he reached into someone’s chest and pulled out their heart.

4. A new study says that chimpanzees will trade meat for sex. Yes, but don’t we all? That’s like when I traded a bologna sandwich for a kiss with Rebecca Smith in the 3rd grade.

5. Have you heard about this former lap-dancer who is now a nun in Italy? This is true. Hot, but true.

4/7

1. There’s a new spray that can prolong how long men can have sex by 600%. But it works by numbing the penis so you can’t feel anything. That’s like saying you can extend a gourmet meal by 600% -- just spray the food with manure.

2. Newspapers now are getting hurt because the website Craigslist is taking away their classified ads. To compete with Craigslist, newspapers are going to start offerings ads to prostitutes too.

3. Newly released records show that the president of Russia owns two parking places. That’s not impressive. I own at least ten parking spaces - if you count my lawn. When my cousin comes over, you can sometimes count my living room.

4. Apple is going to raise prices for music through its iTunes. Because people just have way too much disposable income now. Great timing!

5. The Beatles back catalog is going to be remastered for the first time in two decades. Mainly because the two surviving Beatles can’t play the songs very well anymore. They have to remaster them.

4/6

1. An article on how scratching relieves itching said it was little understood “although it is widely known that scratching relieves an itch”. Really? Are there people who don’t know this? Dogs know this! Are there people out there going [act out hitting itchy spot with wrist and fist]. They’re out buying lotions - “Oh my god, it itches! Help!”

2. Today, Chris Brown pleaded not guilty to charges that he assaulted Rihanna. Later it became clear that he misunderstood - he just meant that he doesn’t feel guilty about it.

3. Did you hear about this dog in Australia whose owners lost her at sea, then she swam to an uninhabited island and lived for four months by hunting baby goats? My god, my dog can’t even deal with thunder.

4. Iran’s president says that he will have “good news” about Iran’s nuclear research this week. What makes me think this is going to be a good news / bad news sort of thing?

5. Did you hear about this man who stole a plane from a flight school and then tried to hide it under a bridge? Under a bridge? It’s a plane! This isn’t a penny. “Oh, no one will find it under here!” And did he think he was going to come back for it? He thought it was like hiding your wallet in your hotel room.

BEST OF THE WEEK

In Russia today, an explosion occurred inside a statue of Lenin [picture above]. Police still don’t know what caused it, but my guess is Taco Bell.

Two guys in Boston are being called heroes for catching a baby falling from a third-story window. But who's NOT going to do that? [bored voice] “Is that a baby falling?” “Yup. [pause] Too bad I’m holding this beer.” Now there’s a hero.

The star of the movie “Slumdog Millionaire” is going to join the cast of “24”. In this year’s big plot twist, Jack Bauer’s terrorism unit has been hit by budget problems, and they have to move the command center to India.

Michelle Obama spoke to a group of schoolgirls in London today, telling them: “We are counting on every single one of you to be the best that you can be.” Then she added: “So that when you run for political office, someone like my husband can defeat you.”

In England, some people blocked a car from Google that was taking pictures of their houses. But it’s very easy to make sure no one can access internet photos. Just make sure they use Time Warner Cable.

So did you hear this news that General Motors and Chrysler have finally put together a real plan to turn themselves around and make fuel-efficient cars that people will love? April Fool’s!

The new movie about the superhero Wolverine has been leaked onto the internet. However, the version on the internet has no computer special effects yet, so the climactic fight scene still looks like this:

4/5

1. One of Boston’s major newspapers, the Globe, is in big financial trouble. To save money, they’ve even stopped printing the letter “r”, since no one there pronounces it anyway.

2. Iowa legalized same-sex marriages yesterday. But I don’t think some people there understood the whole idea of 'same-sex marriage'. “Well, after my wife and I got married, we were still having sex the same way. I didn’t know you had to change. Of course, we had to change some things because of the animal cruelty laws.

3. When the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inducts new members tonight, they'll have a big jam session, but I think that might be tough in the future, because you can’t lip-sync a jam session.

4. North Korea launched a missile today, claiming that it was sending a satellite into orbit. Actually, they did plan on launching a satellite, but people ate it.

5. In Italy, police have found over a hundred illegal immigrant children living underneath railway stations. Most were children of visiting American pop stars.

4/3

1. The star of the movie “Slumdog Millionaire” is going to join the cast of “24”. In this year’s big plot twist, Jack Bauer’s terrorism unit has been hit by budget problems, so they have to move the command center to India.

2. In England, some people blocked a car from Google that was taking pictures of their houses. But it’s very easy to make sure no one can access internet photos. Just make sure they use Time Warner Cable.

3. A court in Malawi has decided that Madonna will not be allowed to adopt a child. The court decided that it would be better for the child to grow up in Malawi, where he will probably die before he’s 50. What do you think the kid is going to say about this when he grows up? “You mean I could I have grown up with Madonna? With one of the wealthiest women on the face of the planet? And you said NO?!?”

4. Researchers have now created the first robot scientist, which can create hypotheses and test them out. That is, besides Stephen Hawking.

5. Recently, people who can’t keep up the cost of their boats are just letting them drift ashore, and it’s starting to clutter up beaches. Don’t they call those 'shipwrecks'?

4/2

1. Michelle Obama spoke to a group of schoolgirls in London today, telling them: “We are counting on every single one of you to be the best that you can be.” Then she added: “So that when you run for political office, someone like my husband can defeat you.”

2. In Germany, a nudist hotel is opening. Now, nudists also call themselves naturists. Which is not the same as naturalists. That missing “al” is crucial. It’s the difference of where you get your mosquito bites. Like al-ong your you-know-what.

3. A new study says that sisters make people happy. Especially when they’re naked. I knew a couple of sisters who made me very happy.

4. After a new anti-piracy law was passed in Sweden, piracy dropped by 25%. That makes sense. After you pass a law making something illegal, it usually becomes… illegal.

5. The new movie about the superhero Wolverine has been leaked onto the internet. However, the version on the internet has no computer special effects yet, so the climactic fight scene still looks like this:

4/1

1. In Russia today, an explosion occurred inside a statue of Lenin [pictured above]. Police still don’t know what caused it, but my guess is Taco Bell.

2. A major White House scientist says that Earth has probably exceeded its population limit. That's why the Space Shuttle landing strip has that sign reading: “Occupancy by more than 6 billion persons is considered dangerous and unlawful.” Bouncers are already saying they might have to send the astronauts back up until someone down here dies.

3. So did you hear this news that General Motors and Chrysler have finally put together a real plan to turn themselves around and make fuel-efficient cars that people will love? April Fool’s!

4. The new Miss Universe visited Guantanamo Bay and described it as “calm and beautiful” and that she “didn’t want to leave”. You know, if you don’t want to leave... that can be arranged.

5. I read that demonstrators in London launched missiles at banks. Then I found out what the “missiles” were: coins and computer keyboards. Apparently I throw missiles in my office too.