1. You know that woman who just had octuplets? Turns out she already has six kids. Man, those six kids thought they were getting a little brother to push around. Now they’re outnumbered! This is the dream of every youngest child.
2. A woman in Thailand has set a new world record by living for 33 days in a room with 5,000 poisonous scorpions. That’s nothing! I lived on Wall Street for two years surrounded by thousands of soulless sharks. And I survived!
3. President Obama’s half-brother in Kenya has been arrested for marijuana possession. Yeah, half the people at the inauguration could have been arrested for that. Starting with this guy. [Show tape of the preacher rhyming: “Where the red man / can get ahead man.”]
4. Some people have criticized Bruce Springsteen for releasing an album exclusively through Wal-Mart, since Wal-Mart has been accused of being bad to its workers. But hey, you know, there’s a reason he’s called “The Boss”.
5. The website Google accidentally told its users on Saturday that every other site on the internet was dangerous. Now, they say that it was an accident, but I think it’s just part of their plan. They don’t want people using any other sites but Google, and this was just a test run.
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