1. Have you heard of this analyst in Russia who says the United States will split into six different regions taken over by different countries? Like the West will go to China, and the Northeast will go to the European Union. Man, what an idiot! Everyone knows the whole country is going to China!
2. Heather Locklear was sentenced to three years of “informal probation” after being found guilty of reckless driving. What is “informal” probation? Does that mean you can wear jeans? Is it better than “business casual” probation?
3. Did you know the unmanned rovers on Mars are still rolling around after five years? They are showing some signs of wear and tear, though. Kind of like when my Uncle Jimmy drove his Range Rover for three hours around a parking garage. That’s why the Mars rovers are unmanned.
4. A spokesman for President Bush said yesterday that the lunch on Wednesday between Bush and Barack Obama will be “historic”, since it will be the first time as president that Bush has had lunch with a Democrat.
5. In a recent poll in Russia, Josef Stalin was voted the third-best Russian of all time, despite the fact that he wasn’t actually Russian. Which makes me feel better about Americans when I watch “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” Now if Stalin was third-best, what the hell did the other 300 million Russians of all time do? I am never going to Russia.
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