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1. The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush is now seeking asylum in Switzerland. I suppose it makes sense that he would go to the land of the cuckoo clock. He says he can’t work as a journalist in Iraq anymore, because shoe-throwing is generally seen as a bit of breach of journalistic ethics. His lawyer said that in Switzerland, he could work as a journalist at the United Nations. Is he aware that the UN is in New York? Which is in… America? Does he think things are going to go better for him here?

2. A new study says that most users of cell phones are just confused by all the new features that they have. Which is why there’s a lot more swearing in phone calls these days. “What the, why won’t this, oh fucking hell!” (elderly voice) “Bob?” “Oh. (pause) Grandma. Did I just call you? Did you hear that?”

3. An official investigation into the plane crash in the Hudson River last week has decided - that the plane hit birds. It came to this difficult conclusion after both pilots said they saw birds approaching, (pause) then heard them hit the plane. Yeah, I think I could have figured that one out. Next, the investigation will officially confirm that yes, the plane did, in fact, crash.

4. Some scientists say that despite global warming, the Earth may not get much warmer over the next decade, because we’re entering a natural cooling period. Mother Nature? More like Abusive Husband Nature. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry for those hurricanes! I’ll be good for the next ten years, I promise!” Yeah, right. We’re not trusting you anymore!

5. There have been several news reports that Barack Obama has given a speech in which he is “hopeful” that the U.S. will overcome its current challenges. That’s not really news. News would be if Obama said: “You know what? Fuck it. This country’s screwed. Grab what you can and move to Canada. They‘ve got room.”