1. This weekend, an 11-year-old boy in Mexico is planning to become the youngest bullfighter to ever kill six bulls in one day. And in related news, his parents were recently arrested for LETTING THEIR 11-YEAR-OLD SON FIGHT BULLS! I have spent a lot of time with 11-year-olds and… well, okay, maybe the bulls should be scared.
2. Psychologists say that if you give something to a child, you should always call it “big” or “special”, and then they’ll believe you no matter how big or special it actually is. This is why I always say very loudly to my girlfriend, “I am spending an enormous amount of time on foreplay!”
3. Some people are concerned about the rise in foreclosures and companies going out of business. They say that we are turning into a nation of quitters. Fortunately, most people who quit drugs, like cigarettes or money, soon have a relapse.
4. Kim Jong Il’s eldest son says he doesn’t feel any desire to take power in North Korea. Well, neither did his father, but when he found out it was the only way to keep his wave pool, then he jumped on board.
5. If Obama really wants to follow Lincoln’s model of government, he should say there is no price or number of deaths too high if it advances the power of the federal government.
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