1. A 107-year-old woman in China is now looking for her first husband. She said she feels that she’s becoming a burden on her nieces and nephews. Especially since they’re all dead. She also said: “What will happen if I don’t hurry up?” Well, for one thing, you might not be able to have kids. She’s getting pretty close to that age when women have “hot flashes”, by which I mean “cremation”. A 90-year-old man apparently showed some interest, but she turned him down because she didn’t want to be a cougar.
2. Good news! The percentage of overweight Americans has gone down. The bad news -- most of them have just graduated to being officially obese.
3. A woman in London is advertising for wedding guests, because most of her family are too far away to come. She’s looking for “decent” guests, by which she means “fully clothed”. So she had to turn down Matthew McConaughey.
4. Congressman Barney Frank says that for the next $350 billion of the Wall Street bailout, the rules should be written into law. Wow, what a radical! The rule of law! Haven’t heard that one for awhile. Do you know, if you pronounce “law” backwards, you get “Wall”. Sort of how people used to say if you played heavy metal songs backwards there were Satanic messages.
5. So many people want to use Microsoft’s new software that they can’t meet the demand. Well, that’s a change of pace. Usually, they just force us to use things we don’t even want. “No, please, we‘ve had enough.”
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