1/20

1. At the signing ceremony in the Capitol after the Oath of Office, Senator Diane Feinstein was standing next to Obama and this is the only thing she said. [Show clip of Feinstein saying: “You have such a distinctive signature!”] I guess she got tired of saying: “Oh, you speak so well!” Obama’s signature is admittedly an improvement on Bush, who usually used fingerpaint.

2. And of course, the Dow Jones plummeted today, because, well, does anyone even know anymore? I think they’re just having a tantrum. They can’t have their party, so we can’t have ours either. Maybe they’re angry because they didn’t get tickets to the inauguration.

3. So what happened with the oath at the inauguration? Can we see that? [Show clip.] Don’t they practice these things beforehand? Maybe it was the first time Chief Justice Roberts actually read the Constitution. I like how eventually Obama stops even repeating after Roberts. He’s like: “Hey, you get your stuff together and then we’ll keep going.”

4. I notice pundits keep saying that older civil rights leaders are the Moses generation, because they brought us to the edge of the Promised Land, but Obama is the Joshua generation, because he brings us into the Promised Land. But I think these people haven’t read the Bible, because when Joshua enters the Promised Land, he proceeds to KILL EVERYONE THERE! This is not going to help Republicans stop being afraid of Obama. That’s the problem with using the Bible. There’s always some weird murder or incest story buried in there.

5. IBM reported a big growth in profits. Why? Well, IBM is also called Big Blue, and with a Democrat in the White House, blue is now the color of choice.