1. A new study says that people with a ring finger longer than their index finger do better on Wall Street. But I would have thought the most important finger on Wall Street would be the one you give to the American people.
2. A gorgeous tropical island in Australia is looking for a caretaker and it’s taking applications from around the world. No formal qualifications are required, but! But! Applicants must be willing to swim, snorkel, scuba dive, and sail! Oh my god, the horror! Well, as long as I don’t have to rub suntan lotion on any beautiful women, I might be able to put up with it.
3. Did you hear about this guy in California who tried to sell his underage daughter’s hand in marriage? This is true. The groom offered beer, meat, and Gatorade. Which will be helpful when the guy is on the run from the police. But what really sealed the deal apparently, was tickets to the Obama inauguration.
4. The government has come out with a list of the 25 worst security problems for software companies. Number one on the list, Joey Wormer of Seattle [show picture of very goofy looking janitor]. Don’t hire this man! Not only will he compromise your security, but he also faxes pictures of his body parts.
5. Have you heard how members of the British royal family are being criticized for using racial nicknames with friends and colleagues? Yeah, I hear Barack Obama is planning a press conference, right after a party with the Washington Redskins.
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