BEST OF THE WEEK

The plane that crashed into the Hudson River was hit by geese, and some people are asking how geese could be so stupid to fly into an airliner. But you have to remember, these are the geese that were too stupid to fly south for the winter. What are they still doing in New York? Goose TV is interviewing their relatives in Florida saying: “Yeah, we all kind of thought this would happen to Bob. Ever since he accidentally tied his neck in a knot.”

An official investigation into the plane crash in the Hudson River has decided (this is true) that the plane… hit birds. It came to this difficult conclusion after both pilots said they saw birds approaching… then heard them hit the plane. Yeah, I think I could have figured that one out. Next, the investigation will officially confirm that yes, the plane did, in fact, crash.

Citigroup, one of the largest banks in the world, is going to split into two different companies. One company will focus on what has become Citigroup’s main business in recent years, and the other will focus on safe logical investments.

Circuit City has announced that it will change its name to “Short Circuit” City.

Boy George has been jailed for falsely imprisoning a male escort in his apartment. So, it’s okay to truthfully imprison someone? “Hey, we’re going to imprison you now. We’re not lying about it. These are actually handcuffs.”

A new study says hallucinations are more common in people who drink more than seven cups of coffee a day. But you know, maybe they’re seeing hallucinations because they’re not sleeping! They also said they sensed the presence of dead people. No, after seven cups of coffee, I think they’re just sensing the presence of ordinary people. They only seem dead because they aren’t freaking out on caffeine.

An Australian man in Thailand has been sentenced to three years in prison for ‘insulting’ the king. Upon hearing the news, President Bush announced plans to move to Thailand. “Now that’s more like it!”

Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s wife said she was glad he was going to be vice president instead of secretary of state, because he wouldn’t have to travel so much. Has she done much research about vice presidents? Before Cheney, their main job was going to foreign funerals. The only reason Cheney didn’t go to many funerals is because he was so often involved in the deaths.

A new study says that stressed people are more likely to develop dementia. But maybe they’re stressed out because they have dementia.