BEST OF THE WEEK

At the signing ceremony in the Capitol after the Oath of Office, Senator Diane Feinstein was standing next to Obama and all she said was: “You have such a distinctive signature!” I guess she got tired of saying: “Oh, you speak so well!” Obama’s signature is admittedly an improvement on Bush, who usually used fingerpaint.

What happened with that messed-up oath of office at the inauguration? Don’t they practice these things? Maybe it was the first time Chief Justice Roberts had actually read the Constitution.

Former French president Jacque Chirac apparently gave former president Bush a sculpture of a horse. It makes more sense when you realize it was a sculpture of the horse from behind.

This weekend, an 11-year-old boy in Mexico is planning to become the youngest bullfighter to ever kill six bulls in one day. And in related news, his parents were recently arrested for LETTING THEIR 11-YEAR-OLD SON FIGHT BULLS! I have spent a lot of time with 11-year-olds and… well, okay, maybe the bulls should be scared.

Psychologists say that if you give something to a child, you should always call it “big” or “special”, and then they’ll believe you no matter how big or special it actually is. This is why I always say very loudly to my girlfriend, “I am spending an enormous amount of time on foreplay!”

Some people are saying that Apple should become a bank, but if it did, it probably wouldn’t let you transfer money from any other bank.

These days, it’s very easy for me to replicate my favorite restaurant dish at home. Step 1: Pour water into a glass. Step Two: Drink water while watching video of someone else eating. Step Three: Put a ketchup bottle in my pocket and leave the room.

On inauguration night, it was reported that people were especially drunk at the Arizona State Society ball, because they booked it before the election, and now they’re using it for a wake.

Most people think that the Frost in the movie “Frost/Nixon” refers to interviewer David Frost. But it actually means that if you play the movie backwards, you learn that Nixon was cryogenically frozen. He will return when America faces its darkest hour.

I notice pundits keep saying that older civil rights leaders are the Moses generation, because they brought us to the edge of the Promised Land, but Obama is the Joshua generation, because he brings us into the Promised Land. But I think these people haven’t read the Bible, because when Joshua enters the Promised Land, he proceeds to kill everyone there! This is not going to help Republicans stop being afraid of Obama. That’s the problem with using the Bible. There’s always some weird murder or incest story buried in there.