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1. Did you hear about this first-time skydiver whose instructor died while they were both falling? The guy probably thought: ‘Isn’t this supposed to happen when you hit the ground?’ Apparently, the instructor got hit by a goose. No, actually he had a heart attack. Doctors still don’t know why he had a heart attack, but I’ve got an idea: MAYBE BECAUSE HE WAS FALLING OUT OF A PLANE!

2. And Britney Spears is going to take her sons on tour. Apparently, they’re finally old enough to be shot from cannons. But she’s going to be strict with them - after nine o’clock, no vodka or groupies. Unless the groupies are babysitting. And in order to babysit, groupies cannot be visibly drunk. The tour is going to be called the “Circus Tour”, so her sons don’t even have to run away to join one.

3. Did you hear how several people watching the Super Bowl in Arizona called their station to complain, because some footage of a blowjob showed up on their screens. But actually, it was just a close-up shot of the celebrations on the Pittsburgh side.

4. Scientists say that thinking too much can ruin your golf putt. That’s why, just before I putt, I like to have someone kick me in the groin. Then I’m not thinking about the putt at all.

5. Did you hear that someone threw a shoe at the prime minister of China yesterday? Is this becoming an epidemic? We already have people take their shoes off at security checkpoints. Now we’re going to ban shoes, period. We’re going to become like the Japanese.