BEST OF THE WEEK

In Switzerland, it’s now illegal to go hiking naked. Yeah, I know, cancel your reservations. But apparently if people get caught, they have to pay the fine on the spot. But how can they pay… if they’re naked? And if they do have the money on them, do you really want to take it?

So Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has been caught smoking marijuana while visiting a university. I know, a goofy 23-year-old hanging out in a college… and he was smoking marijuana?! Shocking! You know how people last summer were amazed at how he ate 12,000 calories a day? Maybe this is why. I would never want Phelps to have the munchies at my house. “Didn’t we just buy groceries?”

A nine-year-old kid has now developed a program for fingerpainting on an iPhone. Actually, my kid created fingerpainting for my iPhone too -- and I could have murdered him.

The Senate is so committed to passing a stimulus bill that senators even met on Saturday! Saturday! They’re willing to put in just as much time as a barista at Starbucks!

A guy in Australia was arrested for smuggling two live pigeons in his pants. It took awhile to catch him, because at first, people thought the stains on his pants were just from being a messy eater. Why would anyone want to smuggle pigeons? Is there anyplace in the world with a pigeon shortage? That’s like smuggling Botox into Malibu.

Jennifer Figge has become the first woman to ever swim across the Atlantic Ocean. Incredible, huh? However, she ran into problems when it was revealed that she had smoked marijuana. As we know from Michael Phelps, if you’re a swimmer and you smoke marijuana, all of your achievements are suddenly worth nothing. And she’s 56 years old! Most people her age complain if they have to walk from the far side of a parking lot. There was also a slight incident when someone asked her if she knew you can fly across the Atlantic now. “Oh my god!” said Figge. “You can fly?”

In Italy, more and more people are becoming angry at immigrants, because they say the immigrants are criminals. Italians. Angry at immigrants. For being criminals. We truly live in amazing times. Does Italian have a word for “irony”? That’s like the Chinese being upset at immigrants for growing rice. Maybe Italians are upset because immigrants are taking away criminal jobs from Italians. “This is one of our major exports!” Guys in dark suits and sunglasses are in the streets chanting “Italian crime for Italians! Support your local loan shark!” People in casts with stickers: “My kneecaps were broken by an Italian.”