2/3

1. So Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has been caught smoking marijuana while visiting a university. I know, a goofy 23-year-old hanging out in a college… and he was smoking marijuana?! Shocking! You know how people last summer were amazed at how he ate 12,000 calories a day? Maybe this is why. I would never want Phelps to have the munchies at my house. “Didn’t we just buy groceries?”

2. And Tom Daschle, another Obama cabinet nominee, has withdrawn because he failed to pay $120,000 in taxes. Why were Democrat politicians so against the Bush tax cuts? It’s not like they were going to pay taxes anyway.

3. Did you hear about these doctors who just removed a woman’s kidney through her vagina? And lo, a new fetish was born. Wow, she’s never going to be able to tell her husband she’s not in the mood again. “Excuse me, you let people pull a kidney through your vagina. And you’re not in the mood with me?”

4. A few bright spots among carmakers - Subaru and Hyundai both saw sales rise. Yeah, so have bicycle makers. If this recession gets any deeper, we’re going to start seeing unicycles. People are going to be going to clown college to learn how to ride them. “Do you want to be a clown?” “No, I just can’t afford gas.”

5. A married couple in India has been found not guilty of obscenity for, get this, kissing in public. They were arrested for kissing in public. Good thing Al Gore isn’t Indian. I think if Britney Spears even entered India, she’d just spontaneously combust into flames.