BEST OF THE WEEK

Scientists say there might be alien life already on Earth, thriving in environments that are poisonous to carbon-based life. A team was quickly dispatched to Starbucks bathrooms.

Three brothers will try to break the world record for the longest time spent on Mount Everest. Of course, they’ll have no chance of breaking the record for the longest time with so little oxygen to the brain, which is 28 years by Jessica Simpson.

President Obama said that the new stimulus bill would be a major milestone on the road to recovery, because at a thousand pages, it can actually be used to pave roads.

Today, the woman with the Guinness record for longest fingernails lost them in a car crash. Apparently, she had her hand out the window and they punctured the tires. Guinness said her nails were damaged beyond repair. What, are you going to have fingernail surgery? You know what that is? Superglue.

Barry Bonds’s mistress is going to testify about the effects of his steroid use, including bloating, acne, hair loss, and testicle shrinkage. You know, if I was Bonds, after that, I would just say I did it. Because I don’t want the next question to be: “So, you’re just naturally that way?”

Apparently, when French President Nicolas Sarkozy met his second wife, cover model Carla Bruni, he told her that she would be Marilyn to his JFK. Really? Then he should have stayed married to his first wife.

A new study says that Neanderthals never interbred with humans. Unless you count the couples on most sitcoms.

The cover model for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this year is going to be an Israeli. And because of Israel’s mandatory military training, she’ll be only the second cover model to know how to use an Uzi submachine gun. The first was, of course, Tyra Banks.

At the Berlin Film Festival, the grand prize went to the movie “The Milk of Sorrow”. Yes, how strange that Germans picked that. Very different from last year’s grand prize winner: “This Film Will Make You Want to Kill Yourself”.

Microsoft has announced that it will open its own stores, because I guess it feels the word just isn’t getting out there enough. People aren’t using enough Microsoft products. They need to push them more.

Today, the heads of several major U.S. banks went before Congress to explain why their spending of bailout money on corporate jets and bonuses was completely justified. However, it was hard to hear them over the constant yells from the audience of: “Burn them!”

Israel had a big national election yesterday. Voting was tight between the two main parties: the “We Need to Bomb Gaza Even More Than Now” Party and its rival, the “We Need to Wipe Gaza From the Face of the Planet” Party. Try and guess which is the liberal one.