2/4

1. A guy in Australia was arrested for smuggling two live pigeons in his pants. It took awhile to catch him, because at first, people thought the stains on his pants were just from being a messy eater. Why would anyone want to smuggle pigeons? Is there anyplace in the world with a pigeon shortage? That’s like smuggling Botox into Malibu.

2. In Italy, more and more people are becoming angry at immigrants, because they say the immigrants are criminals. Italians. Angry at immigrants. For being criminals. We truly live in amazing times. Does Italian have a word for “irony”? That’s like the Chinese being upset at immigrants for growing rice. Maybe Italians are upset because immigrants are taking away criminal jobs from Italians. “This is one of our major exports!” Guys in dark suits and sunglasses are in the streets chanting “Italian crime for Italians! Support your local loan shark!” People in casts with stickers: “My kneecaps were broken by an Italian.”

3. There are a lot of unhappy people on Wall Street today, because President Obama is going to limit executive pay at bailed-out banks to just $500,000. I know, pretty tough, huh? And you thought you were having trouble with your Lexus payments.

4. The bones of the largest snake ever have been found in Colombia. It was as long as a bus, and so wide that it could come up to most people’s hips. Or approximately the knees of an elderly person’s pants. The previous record for the longest snake was set down on Wall Street. They said that the snake got so big because the earth was warmer back then. You mean global warming is going to make us even fatter?! At least we’ll float better when the oceans cover everything.

5. The Vatican has demanded that one of its bishops take back his statement that the Holocaust didn’t happen. Some people say that isn’t enough, because it’s not like he’s going to stop believing it. But to become a Catholic bishop, you have to go along with an enormous steaming pile of falsehoods anyway. One more isn’t going to make a difference.