BEST OF THE WEEK

Did you hear about this first-time skydiver whose instructor died while they were both falling? The guy probably thought: ‘Isn’t this supposed to happen when you hit the ground?’ Apparently, the instructor got hit by a goose. No, actually he had a heart attack. Doctors still don’t know why he had a heart attack, but I’ve got an idea: MAYBE BECAUSE HE WAS FALLING OUT OF A PLANE!

And Britney Spears is going to take her sons on tour. Apparently, they’re finally old enough to be shot from cannons. But she’s going to be strict with them -- after nine o’clock, no vodka or groupies. Unless the groupies are babysitting. And in order to babysit, groupies cannot be visibly drunk. The tour is going to be called the “Circus Tour”, so her sons don’t have to run away to join one.

Some people say we need a United States that can accept failure. But that United States already exists. It’s called England.

I think “rear projection TVs” are called that because they’re a future projection of how large your rear is going to get if you keep watching so much TV.

You know that woman who just had octuplets? Turns out she already has six kids. Man, those six kids thought they were getting a little brother to push around. Now they’re outnumbered! This is the dream of every youngest child.

Some people are angry at Bruce Springsteen for releasing an album exclusively through Wal-Mart, since Wal-Mart has been bad to its workers. But you know, there’s a reason he’s called “The Boss”.

To save Wall Street, the government wants to create a “bad bank” to buy toxic loans. But why can’t we use one of the many many bad banks we already have?

Some say that President Obama needs to say more about gay rights. But his support for gay rights is apparent on the White House website -- not so much in words, but in color scheme.

Google keeps finding more and more ways for people to save their e-mails. I find the best way to do that is to read them to my niece and tell her that they’re breakfast cereal jingles. Then she never forgets them.