2/21

1. Some people are claiming they’ve found the lost city of Atlantis through Google Earth. Yeah, who would have known it would be that easy. The people said they could see lines that were the grid of an urban area. However, it was soon figured out that the underwater lines were actually just the remnants of a giant alien crossword puzzle. So sorry, conspiracy freaks! Not your day! Can we show a shot of that? [Show grid superimposed on the ocean, with various words inserted. A highlights one reads “Rod Blagojevich’s hair”]. Yeah, that highlighted one is the clue for: “Our greatest spy”. He’s a master of disguise!

2. In a speech today, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton urged China to keep buying our treasury bonds. Because a dealer needs its addicts. Now let’s play a game - which of these lines are from Clinton’s speech to the Chinese, and which are from “The Godfather”? (use goomba accent):
“We have to take drastic measures.” Clinton!
“I want to congratulate you on your new business” Godfather!
“We are truly going to rise or fall together.” Clinton!
“Bill, never tell anyone outside the family what you’re thinking again!” A-ha! Tricked you! That was the Godfather!

3. A Bulgarian chess master is playing 360 simultaneous matches, which will establish a new world’s record. In fact, this is the most simultaneous matches since a 1997 Mormon speed-dating night.

4. Under the new tax cuts, an average family might save as much as $65 a month in tax cuts. Wow. That might almost pay for the cable bill. Actually, maybe the government could give people free cable. Then they’ll see ads for products all the time and build up stronger urges to go out and buy things.

5. A list of Oscar winners that was leaked onto the internet has been called fake. The error was discovered when someone noticed that “Wanted” won for Best Sound Mixing, and everyone knows that “The Dark Knight” will get that! C’mon!