2/18

1. NASA and Europe are going to send their next space probe to Jupiter. They were going to go to Saturn, but they say that Jupiter had a better “flight opportunity”. Because you see, Saturn was overbooked, so if they go to Jupiter instead, they fly first class, get nicer freeze-dried food, even three days and two nights on a moon. And that’s a pretty good deal, since a day on that moon lasts five Earth years. Kids, don’t quote me on that. I’ve just helped thousands of children fail science.

2. President Obama has signed a sweeping new housing bill. It is huge. It will help you refinance your home even if it’s made by Frigidaire.

3. A new analysis says that President Obama is going to offer carrots to mortgage firms, because the government is all out of money. Giving away vegetables from the South Lawn is all they have left. Everyone in the White House is already selling their blood, and there are already nearly a million women who have bought Obama’s sperm.

4. Starbucks is now planning to offer value meals and $1 coffee. You know, I think during the next economic boom, some company is going to rise up by calling itself the “upmarket version” of Starbucks.

5. A new report from the Vatican reveals that the men and women “sin in different ways”. Really? Your average James Bond movie could have told you that. The report was based on a study of confessions by Father Roberto Busa, a 95-year-old Jesuit scholar. Man, who needs porn or crime novels when you’ve been reading decades of Catholic confessions? The Pope’s personal theologian said he supported the study. The Pope has a personal theologian? Is that like a personal trainer? And isn’t the Pope supposed to be his own personal theologian? What, is he too busy for all that God stuff? That’s like Emeril having a personal chef. The report comes as fewer and fewer Catholics are going to confession. Which is why even fewer straight men are becoming priests. Confession was always one of the perks! Why do you think those booths are closed?