2/5

1. Did you hear about this married Indian couple who were arrested for kissing in public? Married! And Indian men throughout the United States are thinking: “Yeah, as if dating wasn’t tough enough. Gee, thanks for the great reputation!”

2. Today, Michael Phelps was suspended from competition for three months because he was caught smoking marijuana. Excuse me, we are on our third consecutive pot-smoking president! And yeah, make Phelps even more paranoid. As if the weed didn’t do that enough.

3. A new study says there may be tens of thousands of intelligent alien civilizations in our galaxy. Well, I hope the others don’t communicate with us during this financial crisis, because we won’t be counted.

4. Some computer hackers are now getting into people’s computers by leaving fake parking tickets on cars. So now when you get hauled in for not paying parking tickets, you can just say you were protecting your computer! If you’re a freelance writer, maybe you can deduct the fines from your taxes.

5. The Senate released the key points of the stimulus bill, and almost every part starts with the phrase “job-creating investments”. “Job-creating investments in infrastructure”, “job-creating investments in health”, “job-creating investments in congressional massages”. As opposed to the usual investments, which just create jobs for lobbyists.