1. Today, the woman with the Guinness record for longest fingernails lost them in a car crash. Apparently, she had her hand out the window and they punctured the tires. Guinness said her nails were damaged beyond repair. What, are you going to have fingernail surgery? You know what that is? Superglue.
2. Congress passed the stimulus bill today. It runs about 1,000 pages, so that means it’s already created jobs for paper companies.
3. Barry Bonds’s mistress is going to testify about the effects of his steroid use, including bloating, acne, hair loss, and testicle shrinkage. You know, if I was Bonds, after that, I would just say I did it. Because I don’t want the next question to be: “So, you’re just naturally that way?”
4. Microsoft has announced that it will open its own stores, because I guess it feels the word just isn’t getting out there enough. People aren’t using enough Microsoft products. They need to push them more.
5. The website Twitter just raised $35 million of investment. They actually weren’t even looking for more investors, but some people desperately came to them. I assume they said: “You’re the only thing that looks hopeful in the entire economy. Please! Let us put money in you!”
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