1. Jennifer Figge has become the first woman to ever swim across the Atlantic Ocean. Incredible, huh? However, she ran into problems when it was revealed that she had smoked marijuana. As we know from Michael Phelps, if you’re a swimmer and you smoke marijuana, all of your achievements are suddenly worth nothing. And she’s 56 years old! Most people her age complain if they have to walk from the far side of a parking lot. There was also a slight incident when someone asked her if she knew you can fly across the Atlantic now. “Oh my god!” said Figge. “You can fly?”
2. The Senate is so committed to passing a stimulus bill that senators even met on Saturday! Saturday! They’re willing to put in just as much time as a barista at Starbucks!
3. Baseball player Alex Rodriguez has apparently tested positive for steroid use. Wow, a baseball player taking steroids. Breaking news, huh? Maybe he gets them from Madonna. She is huge now!
4. Ecuador has expelled a U.S. Customs Agent over America’s anti-drug policies. The president of Ecuador said that he would not let the U.S. treat his country like a colony! Yeah! Except, do you know what the currency in Ecuador is? The U.S. dollar! They literally use our money! That’s like a guy throwing his mom out of his apartment in her basement.
5. Prosecutors say that the company that shipped salmonella-tainted peanuts around the country knew the peanuts were tainted. But in their defense, they didn’t think it was salmonella - they thought it was salmon jelly.
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