1. Did you hear about this guy who went to join the police, and when the police got a look at him, they realized that two months ago, he’d robbed a store! Maybe he thought he could impress them by how much he knew about his own robbery. “Those guys will need more cops to deal with guys like me.” And then he asked whether he could still join! Forget the police! This guy should be working on Wall Street!
2. A team of explorers is going to measure the thickness of the arctic ice to see how fast it’s melting. One sign of what they might find - they’re bringing swimsuits.
3. Hugo Chavez is sending troops to take over plants that produce rice in his country. Literally, he’s sending them to take over the plants. Really really small troops. It’s his legendary Flea Brigade -- kind of like a flea circus, but deadlier. He also took over the nation’s strawberry, banana, and orange plants, because the juice that they supposedly work together to sell in stores is actually mostly apple juice. Have you ever seen the ingredients on those juice cartons? This is, um, guava and elderberry and chicken. Then you check the fine print, and it’s like 95% apple juice. Liars!
4. The earliest ever human footprints have been found in Kenya. Even more impressive were the first ever broom marks sweeping away the mud the guy tracked in.
5. In China, a new food safety law has been passed, requiring food companies to have their products monitored. All additives must be natural, although the law does ban the addition of Tibetans.
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