1. A new species of giant clam has been found in the Red Sea. Can we show a picture of that? [Show picture of Sarah Palin’s face in the water with Obama’s leg caught in her mouth.] Man, he didn’t see that one coming at all.
2. In Mexico City, 500,000 people have gathered to protest the enormous crime wave sweeping that country. It was supposed to be even more people, but on the way to the protest, 100,000 got kidnapped.
3. Australia apparently has far more women now than men. They are officially suffering a man shortage. However, considering that Australia is a place where the former prime minister was, this is true, a world champion beer chugger, the overall level of manliness is still the same as other countries. In fact, many of the Australian men go to England, in order to level out the manliness between the two.
4. A punk musician in Cuba was facing time in prison for writing songs against the government, but has now just been ordered to pay a fine for playing his band’s music too loud. I didn’t know that the federal government was worried about that? This is why the Cubans are fleeing their country! The music is just too loud! So they go to Miami, which is so… quiet?
5. Actor David Duchovny has entered a rehab center for sex addiction. Well, I guess now we know why they called it “The X Files”.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
8/29
1. So the big news is that John McCain has chosen a woman, Sarah Palin, to be his vice president. Palin is the governor of Alaska, and Alaskans are really worried about her going to Washington, because then there will only be three other women left there.
2. Scientists have now found that emotional pain lingers in the brain far longer than physical pain. So, on behalf of all of us here at @@@, I’d like to apologize to our viewers. We didn’t know.
3. A teenager in Britain just had a new shoulder built from his elbow. Some day, we are literally going to have someone who doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.
4. Today, a Canadian airline has suspended all flights because of high fuel prices, and yesterday this blog joked about it. Hmmm. Hey, did you hear about the Canadian airline that gave free back rubs? Worth a shot.
5. An old piece of cake from the wedding of Princess Diana was sold for over $1800. A servant kept it wrapped for the last 27 years. Now that will teach you not to clean out your fridge.
2. Scientists have now found that emotional pain lingers in the brain far longer than physical pain. So, on behalf of all of us here at @@@, I’d like to apologize to our viewers. We didn’t know.
3. A teenager in Britain just had a new shoulder built from his elbow. Some day, we are literally going to have someone who doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.
4. Today, a Canadian airline has suspended all flights because of high fuel prices, and yesterday this blog joked about it. Hmmm. Hey, did you hear about the Canadian airline that gave free back rubs? Worth a shot.
5. An old piece of cake from the wedding of Princess Diana was sold for over $1800. A servant kept it wrapped for the last 27 years. Now that will teach you not to clean out your fridge.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
8/28
1. Barack Obama gave his acceptance speech last night at the Democratic National Convention. He said that the election wasn’t about him - it was about us. Really? I didn’t know we were running. I think we’re going to need a bigger White House. Can we all fit in there? This would certainly solve the housing crisis.
2. An airline in Canada is getting rid of life vests to save on fuel. That’s reassuring. Maybe next they’ll get rid of some passengers. “Oil hit $160 a barrel! Out you go!”
3. Scientists have discovered that houseflies can sense when a hand is about to swat them and plan out their escape. The scientists say that it’s very similar to what Madonna does. Just when you think pop culture is going to swat her down, bam! She escapes and pops up someplace else.
4. There’s going to be a movie about the creators of Facebook. So when people bug you about getting a Facebook account, you can just say you already saw the movie.
5. Anthropologists have found “lost towns” in the Amazon that used to be full of people and importance, but have now been completely overgrown by forest. So now they know what to look forward to in Crawford, Texas.
2. An airline in Canada is getting rid of life vests to save on fuel. That’s reassuring. Maybe next they’ll get rid of some passengers. “Oil hit $160 a barrel! Out you go!”
3. Scientists have discovered that houseflies can sense when a hand is about to swat them and plan out their escape. The scientists say that it’s very similar to what Madonna does. Just when you think pop culture is going to swat her down, bam! She escapes and pops up someplace else.
4. There’s going to be a movie about the creators of Facebook. So when people bug you about getting a Facebook account, you can just say you already saw the movie.
5. Anthropologists have found “lost towns” in the Amazon that used to be full of people and importance, but have now been completely overgrown by forest. So now they know what to look forward to in Crawford, Texas.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Joe Biden commutes to work every day by Amtrak, because he likes to have a little time by himself.
Barack Obama officially introduced Joe Biden as his vice-presidential nominee at a rally in Illinois. Obama’s supporters then tied Biden to an altar made of corn stalks and burned him as an offering to their god.
Yesterday, the FBI arrested a man who leaked some songs from the new Guns N’ Roses album. They had to let him go, though, because the statute of limitations had expired for still caring about Guns N’ Roses.
John McCain has admitted that he doesn’t know how many houses he and his wife own. And the most disturbing thing is they only own one. No, apparently they own at least four, but he wasn’t sure if places with less than 20 rooms counted. That would be more like a ‘cottage’, wouldn’t it?
Scientists have discovered that medium-sized black holes are very rare. They’re almost all extremely small or extremely large. That’s how it is with drug addicts too. You’re either a celebrity or a total zero. It’s never, “Hey, did you hear about Bob in accounting? Crackhead.”
The government of North Korea has announced that it has developed a new kind of noodle that helps people feel less hunger. Yeah, you know another way to get noodles like that? Start trading with other countries, you evil fucking man!
So Barack Obama has chosen Senator Joe Biden of Delaware to be his vice president, who will help him gain the vital votes of, um, Delaware. Yeah, that’s going to be useful. I hear Obama was also considering someone from the island of Guam.
A plane from Germany made an emergency landing because of a leaking can of soup. They tried to say it was because of allergies, but really there was no vacuum and the Germans just couldn’t stand the mess.
A priest in Italy is holding the world’s first beauty pageant for nuns. Now, is anybody surprised that the priest is from Italy? There will be categories for “Best Habit”, “Biggest Rosaries”, and “Least Likely to Be the Virgin Mary”. The priest said that people will vote over the internet, because that is something you definitely want to remain anonymous for. He also stressed that there will be no bathing suit competition. Thank God! I mean, well, you know what I mean. A parade of nuns in bathing suits. That sounds like my recurring fifth-grade nightmare.
In the African nation of Swaziland, there have been street protests after nine of the king’s 13 wives chartered a jet to take them on a shopping trip to Europe and the Middle East. The protest wasn’t about the money, though. It was because the wives all bought Crocs. The anger those shoes inspire is insane.
Barack Obama officially introduced Joe Biden as his vice-presidential nominee at a rally in Illinois. Obama’s supporters then tied Biden to an altar made of corn stalks and burned him as an offering to their god.
Yesterday, the FBI arrested a man who leaked some songs from the new Guns N’ Roses album. They had to let him go, though, because the statute of limitations had expired for still caring about Guns N’ Roses.
John McCain has admitted that he doesn’t know how many houses he and his wife own. And the most disturbing thing is they only own one. No, apparently they own at least four, but he wasn’t sure if places with less than 20 rooms counted. That would be more like a ‘cottage’, wouldn’t it?
Scientists have discovered that medium-sized black holes are very rare. They’re almost all extremely small or extremely large. That’s how it is with drug addicts too. You’re either a celebrity or a total zero. It’s never, “Hey, did you hear about Bob in accounting? Crackhead.”
The government of North Korea has announced that it has developed a new kind of noodle that helps people feel less hunger. Yeah, you know another way to get noodles like that? Start trading with other countries, you evil fucking man!
So Barack Obama has chosen Senator Joe Biden of Delaware to be his vice president, who will help him gain the vital votes of, um, Delaware. Yeah, that’s going to be useful. I hear Obama was also considering someone from the island of Guam.
A plane from Germany made an emergency landing because of a leaking can of soup. They tried to say it was because of allergies, but really there was no vacuum and the Germans just couldn’t stand the mess.
A priest in Italy is holding the world’s first beauty pageant for nuns. Now, is anybody surprised that the priest is from Italy? There will be categories for “Best Habit”, “Biggest Rosaries”, and “Least Likely to Be the Virgin Mary”. The priest said that people will vote over the internet, because that is something you definitely want to remain anonymous for. He also stressed that there will be no bathing suit competition. Thank God! I mean, well, you know what I mean. A parade of nuns in bathing suits. That sounds like my recurring fifth-grade nightmare.
In the African nation of Swaziland, there have been street protests after nine of the king’s 13 wives chartered a jet to take them on a shopping trip to Europe and the Middle East. The protest wasn’t about the money, though. It was because the wives all bought Crocs. The anger those shoes inspire is insane.
8/27
1. A plane from Germany made an emergency landing because of a leaking can of soup. They tried to say it was because of allergies, but really there was no vacuum and the Germans just couldn’t stand the mess.
2. Yesterday, the FBI arrested a man who leaked some songs from the new Guns N’ Roses album. They had to let him go, though, because the statute of limitations had expired for still caring about Guns N’ Roses.
3. Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska has won the Republican primary there, but is now in a tough battle with his Democratic opponent. An Alaskan Democrat. Wow, we’ll finally get to take them off the Endangered Species List. They were having trouble from hunters up there for awhile.
4. A U.S. official said that Russia’s invasion of Georgia shows that it is weak. Really? I’d hate to see what they would do if they were strong.
5. I keep seeing headlines like “Bill Clinton Backs Obama for President”. Well that’s nice. That’s not news. “Bill Clinton Tells Obama to Stuff It”. That’s news.
2. Yesterday, the FBI arrested a man who leaked some songs from the new Guns N’ Roses album. They had to let him go, though, because the statute of limitations had expired for still caring about Guns N’ Roses.
3. Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska has won the Republican primary there, but is now in a tough battle with his Democratic opponent. An Alaskan Democrat. Wow, we’ll finally get to take them off the Endangered Species List. They were having trouble from hunters up there for awhile.
4. A U.S. official said that Russia’s invasion of Georgia shows that it is weak. Really? I’d hate to see what they would do if they were strong.
5. I keep seeing headlines like “Bill Clinton Backs Obama for President”. Well that’s nice. That’s not news. “Bill Clinton Tells Obama to Stuff It”. That’s news.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
8/26
1. I saw a sign at a Washington Mutual bank saying: “Worried about your mortgage? Come see us!” No, thank you, I think you’ve already done enough. You know why I’m worried about my mortgage? Because you apparently took my money and gave it to the homeless guy down the street looking to refurbish his cardboard box. “This man is a fine candidate for a loan!”
2. Some of Hillary Clinton’s supporters have been saying they would rather vote for John McCain than Barack Obama. Wow, and you thought Obama’s supporters were like a cult. Maybe they’re dazzled by the way that Clinton and McCain both have c’s and n’s in their names.
3. A new study says that people with manic disorders have more sex. Well, it certainly worked for Mick Jagger.
4. The makers of Barbie dolls won a lawsuit against the makers of the Bratz dolls, because the Bratz creator came up with the idea while working for Barbie. They got about $40 million, but they asked for $2 billion. $2 billion! “Hey kids! It’s the new Billion Dollar Lawsuit Barbie! Watch her destroy other companies with Tort Lawyer Ken!”
5. Last night, Governor Mike Schweitzer of Montana gave his speech at the Democratic National Convention, and he lit up the house. Literally, he started a brush fire. No, it was a great speech. Partly because he hypnotized them with his bolo tie. [Move hand back and forth where the tie would be, saying “You are getting sleepy…”]
2. Some of Hillary Clinton’s supporters have been saying they would rather vote for John McCain than Barack Obama. Wow, and you thought Obama’s supporters were like a cult. Maybe they’re dazzled by the way that Clinton and McCain both have c’s and n’s in their names.
3. A new study says that people with manic disorders have more sex. Well, it certainly worked for Mick Jagger.
4. The makers of Barbie dolls won a lawsuit against the makers of the Bratz dolls, because the Bratz creator came up with the idea while working for Barbie. They got about $40 million, but they asked for $2 billion. $2 billion! “Hey kids! It’s the new Billion Dollar Lawsuit Barbie! Watch her destroy other companies with Tort Lawyer Ken!”
5. Last night, Governor Mike Schweitzer of Montana gave his speech at the Democratic National Convention, and he lit up the house. Literally, he started a brush fire. No, it was a great speech. Partly because he hypnotized them with his bolo tie. [Move hand back and forth where the tie would be, saying “You are getting sleepy…”]
Monday, August 25, 2008
8/25
1. A priest in Italy is holding the world’s first beauty pageant for nuns. Now, is anybody surprised that the priest is from Italy? There will be categories for “Best Habit”, “Biggest Rosaries”, and “Least Likely to Be the Virgin Mary”. The priest said that people will vote over the internet, because that is something you definitely want to remain anonymous for. He also stressed that there will be no bathing suit competition. Thank God! I mean, well, you know what I mean. A parade of nuns in bathing suits. That sounds like my recurring fifth-grade nightmare.
2. Housing sales increased in July, mainly because the government had to find more places to put all the foreclosed people.
3. Warner Brothers studio is suing an Indian film studio for releasing a big movie about a 10-year-old boy in England who gets involved in a big secret world hidden behind our own, called, this is true, “Hari Puttar”. Hmm, I wonder where they came up with that one? The head of the Indian film studio said, and I quote: “In my opinion, I don’t think our title has any similarity or links with Harry Potter.” Turns out, he hadn’t actually seen Harry Potter and thought that it was a movie about a werewolf who makes pots.
4. The Olympics ended this weekend, allowing the Chinese government to immediately arrest all of its medal-winning athletes for talking to foreign news reporters.
5. A village in Serbia has unveiled a statue of Bob Marley, because they’re into people with big wild hair and alternative medicines. [Show picture of Serbian war criminal Radovan Karadzic with his giant flowing disguise hair.]
2. Housing sales increased in July, mainly because the government had to find more places to put all the foreclosed people.
3. Warner Brothers studio is suing an Indian film studio for releasing a big movie about a 10-year-old boy in England who gets involved in a big secret world hidden behind our own, called, this is true, “Hari Puttar”. Hmm, I wonder where they came up with that one? The head of the Indian film studio said, and I quote: “In my opinion, I don’t think our title has any similarity or links with Harry Potter.” Turns out, he hadn’t actually seen Harry Potter and thought that it was a movie about a werewolf who makes pots.
4. The Olympics ended this weekend, allowing the Chinese government to immediately arrest all of its medal-winning athletes for talking to foreign news reporters.
5. A village in Serbia has unveiled a statue of Bob Marley, because they’re into people with big wild hair and alternative medicines. [Show picture of Serbian war criminal Radovan Karadzic with his giant flowing disguise hair.]
Saturday, August 23, 2008
8/23
1. Barack Obama officially introduced Joe Biden as his vice-presidential nominee at a rally in Illinois. Obama’s supporters then tied Biden to an altar made of corn stalks and burned him as an offering to their god.
2. The government of North Korea has announced that it has developed a new kind of noodle that helps people feel less hunger. Yeah, you know another way to get noodles like that? Start trading with other countries, you evil fucking man!
3. The heavy metal band Metallica received the award for most inspirational group at a big heavy metal awards show. The awards committee highlighted how the band has inspired so many kids to wear black, not go out into sunlight, and write angry music about violence and insanity. Very inspirational stuff.
4. John McCain’s campaign said that the selection of Joe Biden showed that Obama knew he wasn’t ready to be president. Yes, only a total newbie chooses a vice president. John McCain is going to be the president and the vice president. He’s also going to be the entire Senate. He will rule you all!
5. Did you see that martial arts fighter in the Olympics who was banned for life for kicking one of the referees? Apparently he hasn’t heard that the best fight in karate is not to fight at all. I learned that from Mr. Miyagi.
2. The government of North Korea has announced that it has developed a new kind of noodle that helps people feel less hunger. Yeah, you know another way to get noodles like that? Start trading with other countries, you evil fucking man!
3. The heavy metal band Metallica received the award for most inspirational group at a big heavy metal awards show. The awards committee highlighted how the band has inspired so many kids to wear black, not go out into sunlight, and write angry music about violence and insanity. Very inspirational stuff.
4. John McCain’s campaign said that the selection of Joe Biden showed that Obama knew he wasn’t ready to be president. Yes, only a total newbie chooses a vice president. John McCain is going to be the president and the vice president. He’s also going to be the entire Senate. He will rule you all!
5. Did you see that martial arts fighter in the Olympics who was banned for life for kicking one of the referees? Apparently he hasn’t heard that the best fight in karate is not to fight at all. I learned that from Mr. Miyagi.
Friday, August 22, 2008
8/22
1. Joe Biden commutes to work every day by Amtrak, because he likes to have a little time by himself.
2. So Barack Obama has chosen Senator Joe Biden of Delaware to be his vice president, who will help him gain the vital votes of, um, Delaware. Yeah, that’s going to be useful. I hear Obama was also considering someone from the island of Guam.
3. Scientists have now discovered how it’s possible for brilliant stars to form around black holes. Yeah, I always wondered how Amy Winehouse did it.
4. A new law in Nebraska lets parents legally abandon their children at hospitals all the way until the age of 19. Oh man, is that going to be tempting. And isn’t that called college? Can you imagine some 19-year-old kid, visiting home from college, and his parents are like, “Hey, let’s take a ride.” And what if you took the kid back. He would never trust going on a ride with you again. It would be like how dogs learn the word “vet”.
5. A man in Michigan has bought or leased a new Cadillac every year for 53 years. You think eventually he’d figure out these things keep breaking down.
2. So Barack Obama has chosen Senator Joe Biden of Delaware to be his vice president, who will help him gain the vital votes of, um, Delaware. Yeah, that’s going to be useful. I hear Obama was also considering someone from the island of Guam.
3. Scientists have now discovered how it’s possible for brilliant stars to form around black holes. Yeah, I always wondered how Amy Winehouse did it.
4. A new law in Nebraska lets parents legally abandon their children at hospitals all the way until the age of 19. Oh man, is that going to be tempting. And isn’t that called college? Can you imagine some 19-year-old kid, visiting home from college, and his parents are like, “Hey, let’s take a ride.” And what if you took the kid back. He would never trust going on a ride with you again. It would be like how dogs learn the word “vet”.
5. A man in Michigan has bought or leased a new Cadillac every year for 53 years. You think eventually he’d figure out these things keep breaking down.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
8/21
1. In the African nation of Swaziland, there have been street protests after nine of the king’s 13 wives chartered a jet to take them on a shopping trip to Europe and the Middle East. The protest wasn’t about the money, though. It was because the wives all bought Crocs. The anger those shoes inspire is insane.
2. John McCain has admitted that he doesn’t know how many houses he and his wife own. And the most disturbing thing is they only own one. No, apparently they own at least four, but he wasn’t sure if places with less than 20 rooms counted. That would be more like a ‘cottage’, wouldn’t it?
3. Scientists say that the world cooled down a little in 2008, mostly because Emeril’s show got cancelled.
4. Scientists have discovered that medium-sized black holes are very rare. They’re almost all extremely small or extremely large. That’s how it is with drug addicts too. You’re either a celebrity or a total zero. It’s never, “Hey, did you hear about Bob in accounting? Crackhead.”
5. Usain Bolt continued his string of Olympic medals yesterday, giving news editors with a taste for easy puns another mini-vacation.
2. John McCain has admitted that he doesn’t know how many houses he and his wife own. And the most disturbing thing is they only own one. No, apparently they own at least four, but he wasn’t sure if places with less than 20 rooms counted. That would be more like a ‘cottage’, wouldn’t it?
3. Scientists say that the world cooled down a little in 2008, mostly because Emeril’s show got cancelled.
4. Scientists have discovered that medium-sized black holes are very rare. They’re almost all extremely small or extremely large. That’s how it is with drug addicts too. You’re either a celebrity or a total zero. It’s never, “Hey, did you hear about Bob in accounting? Crackhead.”
5. Usain Bolt continued his string of Olympic medals yesterday, giving news editors with a taste for easy puns another mini-vacation.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Did you hear what Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps eats for breakfast? Three fried egg sandwiches; three chocolate-chip pancakes; a five-egg omelette; three slices of French toast; and hopefully a diet soda. A dietician said “The Phelps diet is not recommended for everyone.” Really? I don’t think the Phelps diet is recommended for a family of five.
Yesterday, a guy in Ohio bought a truck with 16 coffee cans full of coins. The dealer was flabbergasted. “You’re buying a truck?! With gas prices this high?!” Apparently the guy doesn’t believe in paper money, because you can burn it. Well, in my experience, if the fire is hot enough, anything will burn. Plus, flammability might be a lot nicer to have this winter.
In Switzerland, authorities tried to find a giant balloon in the shape of a dog turd that the wind blew away. Residents didn’t report it, because they were hiding in their homes, too scared that the dog would come back.
On Saturday, John McCain said that to be considered rich, a person had to make at least $5 million dollars a year. Yes, and it is time to address the horrible poverty among today’s investment bankers and lawyers, many of whom only make $500,000 a year!
A new animated Star Wars movie is coming out this weekend. They got rid of the actors, because that’s what really held back the recent Star Wars movies, right? Actors like Ewan MacGregor, Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Portman, Liam Neeson -- always holding back those wonderful plots and animated characters. The title of the new movie is “The Clone Wars”, which refers to the battle between the great George Lucas and the alien-created clone that took over his life and started making horrible movies.
Russia has warned Poland that it’s exposing itself to attack by signing a missile defense deal with the United States. Actually, Poland exposed itself to attack by recklessly placing itself next to Russia. A lot of people wanted to put Poland in the South Pacific, but no, the idiots in charge didn’t want to give up the chance to bag some hot Scandinavian women.
A new insect species has been discovered on eBay. Here’s a picture of some of them swarming. Is eBay considered a habitat now? I always thought it was just populated by grilled-cheese Jesuses.
Yesterday, a guy in Ohio bought a truck with 16 coffee cans full of coins. The dealer was flabbergasted. “You’re buying a truck?! With gas prices this high?!” Apparently the guy doesn’t believe in paper money, because you can burn it. Well, in my experience, if the fire is hot enough, anything will burn. Plus, flammability might be a lot nicer to have this winter.
In Switzerland, authorities tried to find a giant balloon in the shape of a dog turd that the wind blew away. Residents didn’t report it, because they were hiding in their homes, too scared that the dog would come back.
On Saturday, John McCain said that to be considered rich, a person had to make at least $5 million dollars a year. Yes, and it is time to address the horrible poverty among today’s investment bankers and lawyers, many of whom only make $500,000 a year!
A new animated Star Wars movie is coming out this weekend. They got rid of the actors, because that’s what really held back the recent Star Wars movies, right? Actors like Ewan MacGregor, Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Portman, Liam Neeson -- always holding back those wonderful plots and animated characters. The title of the new movie is “The Clone Wars”, which refers to the battle between the great George Lucas and the alien-created clone that took over his life and started making horrible movies.
Russia has warned Poland that it’s exposing itself to attack by signing a missile defense deal with the United States. Actually, Poland exposed itself to attack by recklessly placing itself next to Russia. A lot of people wanted to put Poland in the South Pacific, but no, the idiots in charge didn’t want to give up the chance to bag some hot Scandinavian women.
A new insect species has been discovered on eBay. Here’s a picture of some of them swarming. Is eBay considered a habitat now? I always thought it was just populated by grilled-cheese Jesuses.
8/20
1. A new insect species has been discovered on eBay. Here's a picture of some of them swarming. Is eBay considered a habitat now? I always thought it was just populated by grilled-cheese Jesuses.
2. The U.S. and Poland signed a deal to allow missile defense systems to be built on Polish land. Later this year, construction will start in Chicago/England.
3. Scientists now say, get ready, that back pain can be helped by… good posture. Really? I never would have guessed that. No back pain and a chance at modeling school? Good posture has so many pluses.
4. Wild birds are moving north to cope with global warming, but not fast enough to really keep pace. This is similar to poor people in Williamsburg.
5. How many medals your country wins at the Olympics depends mostly on the size of your economy, but also on factors such as whether you’re an ex-Communist country, will be the next or current host, and how many medals you won at previous Games. And oh yes, whether you come from a nation of mutant freaks.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
8/19
1. Tom Cruise is trying to get his own comic book movie. It’s going to be called “Tom Cruise”, and will be about the fantastic adventures of a hyperactive cult member who saves people from not understanding Scientology. There will be some CGI.
2. Scientists have learned that magpies can recognize their reflections in mirrors, which is better than Arnold Schwarzenegger. Let‘s look at those before and after Botox pics.
3. Did you hear about the two guys who said they found a Bigfoot body? Well, you’re not going to believe this - but it turned out to be a hoax! Now how did these guys think they were going to get away with this?
4. Barack Obama has described his ideal vice president - every single American, because then they would vote for their own ticket.
5. Several college presidents are urging the federal government to lower the drinking age to 18, because those teenage hotties should be out in the open. Hot teen action shouldn’t be kept behind doors.
2. Scientists have learned that magpies can recognize their reflections in mirrors, which is better than Arnold Schwarzenegger. Let‘s look at those before and after Botox pics.
3. Did you hear about the two guys who said they found a Bigfoot body? Well, you’re not going to believe this - but it turned out to be a hoax! Now how did these guys think they were going to get away with this?
4. Barack Obama has described his ideal vice president - every single American, because then they would vote for their own ticket.
5. Several college presidents are urging the federal government to lower the drinking age to 18, because those teenage hotties should be out in the open. Hot teen action shouldn’t be kept behind doors.
Monday, August 18, 2008
8/18
1. On Saturday, John McCain said that to be considered rich, a person had to make at least $5 million dollars a year. Yes, and it is time to address the horrible poverty among today’s investment bankers and lawyers, many of whom only make $500,000 a year!
2. The mayor of a small town in Australia has invited ugly women to come there, because they have such a shortage of women. I found this out, because I got an invitation. I had to inform them that I am not actually, technically, a woman. But they said that surgery could be arranged.
3. One thing I love about the Olympics is the way it takes games that most of us just know as little harmless garden hobbies, and turns them into macho crazy sports. Like badminton. Have you ever played badminton? [Act out little underhand swings.] Now, have you seen Olympic badminton? [Show clips from the final match, with players straining and leaping.] Although, what do you really expect from a sport with a ball called a ‘shuttlecock’?
4. The president of Pakistan, Pervez Musharraf, has resigned, and the U.S. has said that it will continue to work with the government of Pakistan. Well, that’s nice, considering that it was democratically elected.
5. The Democratic Party is saying that its convention this month will be the most diverse ever. You don’t even have to be human.
2. The mayor of a small town in Australia has invited ugly women to come there, because they have such a shortage of women. I found this out, because I got an invitation. I had to inform them that I am not actually, technically, a woman. But they said that surgery could be arranged.
3. One thing I love about the Olympics is the way it takes games that most of us just know as little harmless garden hobbies, and turns them into macho crazy sports. Like badminton. Have you ever played badminton? [Act out little underhand swings.] Now, have you seen Olympic badminton? [Show clips from the final match, with players straining and leaping.] Although, what do you really expect from a sport with a ball called a ‘shuttlecock’?
4. The president of Pakistan, Pervez Musharraf, has resigned, and the U.S. has said that it will continue to work with the government of Pakistan. Well, that’s nice, considering that it was democratically elected.
5. The Democratic Party is saying that its convention this month will be the most diverse ever. You don’t even have to be human.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
8/16
1. A new animated Star Wars movie is coming out this weekend. They got rid of the actors, because that’s what really held back the recent Star Wars movies, right? Actors like Ewan MacGregor, Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Portman, Liam Neeson -- always holding back those wonderful plots and animated characters. The title of the new movie is “The Clone Wars”, which refers to the battle between the great George Lucas and the alien-created clone that took over his life and started making horrible movies.
2. Some people say they’ve discovered a Bigfoot body. They released a picture of the Bigfoot too. Can we see that? [Show Bigfoot with an added name tag and blue apron.] Apparently the Bigfoots mated with another legendary creature - the drug store cashier. Many are rumored to exist, but few have ever been seen.
3. The winner of the 100-meter dash is a guy named Usain Bolt. “Bolt“. And people say that God has a sense of irony.
4. Some girls underwear connected to the movie “High School Musical 2” has been recalled after complaints that it’s sexually suggestive. You see, it has the words “Dive In!” on it. But, you know, if you reach the point where a boy is reading that, I think you’ve already dived in.
5. Norway has now given knighthood to a penguin. Maybe it’s an apology for all the oil slicks.
2. Some people say they’ve discovered a Bigfoot body. They released a picture of the Bigfoot too. Can we see that? [Show Bigfoot with an added name tag and blue apron.] Apparently the Bigfoots mated with another legendary creature - the drug store cashier. Many are rumored to exist, but few have ever been seen.
3. The winner of the 100-meter dash is a guy named Usain Bolt. “Bolt“. And people say that God has a sense of irony.
4. Some girls underwear connected to the movie “High School Musical 2” has been recalled after complaints that it’s sexually suggestive. You see, it has the words “Dive In!” on it. But, you know, if you reach the point where a boy is reading that, I think you’ve already dived in.
5. Norway has now given knighthood to a penguin. Maybe it’s an apology for all the oil slicks.
Friday, August 15, 2008
8/15
1. Russia has warned Poland that it’s exposing itself to attack by signing a missile defense deal with the United States. Actually, Poland exposed itself to attack by recklessly placing itself next to Russia. A lot of people wanted to put Poland in the South Pacific, but no, the idiots in charge didn’t want to give up the chance to bag some hot Scandinavian women.
2. Did you hear what Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps eats for breakfast? Three fried egg sandwiches; three chocolate-chip pancakes; a five-egg omelette; three slices of French toast; and hopefully a diet soda. A dietician said “The Phelps diet is not recommended for everyone.” Really? I don’t think the Phelps diet is recommended for a family of five.
3. Because of high airline prices, instead of France, some people are traveling to Quebec in Canada. And in New York, some people are just riding the 7 train for an extra stop.
4. The FDA now says that a controversial chemical found in plastic bottles is safe. Is this the same FDA that said global warming was a hoax? And the chemical is made from oil. Why should we be finding even more ways to pay for oil? Don’t we already have enough? And this one is killing us directly. Is there anything non-toxic made from oil?
5. A man in New Zealand has set a record by doing 103 bungee jumps in 24 hours. He said, “Once you get over the fear, it’s really, really enjoyable.” Like eating at White Castle.
2. Did you hear what Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps eats for breakfast? Three fried egg sandwiches; three chocolate-chip pancakes; a five-egg omelette; three slices of French toast; and hopefully a diet soda. A dietician said “The Phelps diet is not recommended for everyone.” Really? I don’t think the Phelps diet is recommended for a family of five.
3. Because of high airline prices, instead of France, some people are traveling to Quebec in Canada. And in New York, some people are just riding the 7 train for an extra stop.
4. The FDA now says that a controversial chemical found in plastic bottles is safe. Is this the same FDA that said global warming was a hoax? And the chemical is made from oil. Why should we be finding even more ways to pay for oil? Don’t we already have enough? And this one is killing us directly. Is there anything non-toxic made from oil?
5. A man in New Zealand has set a record by doing 103 bungee jumps in 24 hours. He said, “Once you get over the fear, it’s really, really enjoyable.” Like eating at White Castle.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
8/14
1. Yesterday, a guy in Ohio bought a truck with 16 coffee cans full of coins. The dealer was flabbergasted. “You’re buying a truck?! With gas prices this high?!” Apparently the guy doesn’t believe in paper money, because you can burn it. Well, in my experience, if the fire is hot enough, anything will burn. Plus, flammability might be a lot nicer to have this winter.
2. In Switzerland, authorities tried to find a giant balloon in the shape of a dog turd that the wind blew away. Residents didn’t report it, because they were hiding in their homes, too scared that the dog would come back.
3. Scientists have discovered that octopuses use six tentacles for arms and two for legs. This is opposed to my roommate, who uses all of his limbs as arms. [Act out opening door with foot.]
4. China has vigorously said that it is living up to pledges made before the Olympics, including a pledge to contribute $20 to the Buena Park Little League. Those kids are just too adorable to refuse.
5. U.S. prices have risen by 5.6% this year, the highest in more than 17 years. It was much higher than economists had predicted, since most of them live in self-contained biospheres. One economist said: “If we don’t get an unexpected shock that pushes commodity prices back up, this might be the worst inflation news that we’ll get for a while.” Sooo, prices won’t go back up any more - unless they do. Thanks.
2. In Switzerland, authorities tried to find a giant balloon in the shape of a dog turd that the wind blew away. Residents didn’t report it, because they were hiding in their homes, too scared that the dog would come back.
3. Scientists have discovered that octopuses use six tentacles for arms and two for legs. This is opposed to my roommate, who uses all of his limbs as arms. [Act out opening door with foot.]
4. China has vigorously said that it is living up to pledges made before the Olympics, including a pledge to contribute $20 to the Buena Park Little League. Those kids are just too adorable to refuse.
5. U.S. prices have risen by 5.6% this year, the highest in more than 17 years. It was much higher than economists had predicted, since most of them live in self-contained biospheres. One economist said: “If we don’t get an unexpected shock that pushes commodity prices back up, this might be the worst inflation news that we’ll get for a while.” Sooo, prices won’t go back up any more - unless they do. Thanks.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Scientists say that running can slow the aging process. As long as you run at the speed of light. But then you gain infinite mass and have a heart attack.
On Monday, John McCain gave a speech where he didn’t talk about Barack Obama for more than 20 minutes. Many of his supporters were glad he wasn’t worrying about Obama so much, but then they realized that he’d just forgotten Obama’s name.
They’re doing a remake of the movie “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. But don’t they usually wait until the original is out of theaters?
A 44-pound abandoned cat in New Jersey has been adopted by the Center for Treating Phobias in Mice. “Go on! He can’t catch you! Work through your fear!”
Rapper Snoop Dogg has now made his Indian Bollywood movie debut, in which he claims: “Represent the Punjabi” (true - see below). Maybe he thinks ‘Punjabi’ is a type of marijuana. “Is that like ganja?” I hear he thought it was an ‘urban drama’, and it was already too late by the time he realized it was actually a ‘turban drama’. He and the Indians also bonded over having the same attitude towards women. “Hey, these guys know how to treat their bitches!”
Engineers are trying to make the internet faster by slowing down parts of it. That’s why at my office, we sometimes drug my manager. “Urrr, was there supposed to be a meeting today?” “No, no meeting today.” “Okaaay.”
When asked why the Yankees weren’t winning more, a team spokesman said: “There’s only so much they can do. They’re not supermen.” So the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Devil Rays are supermen? Um, it’s not like they’re fighting robots.
Three MIT students have been barred from showing how to get free rides in Boston’s subway system. Yeah, we have that in New York too. It’s called “holding open the emergency exit”. How little arm strength do MIT students have?
A natural stone arch in Arches National Park collapsed over the weekend. This is the first collapse of an ancient stone arch since John McCain’s left foot.
The African nation of Mauritania was taken over by its military again. The news struck fear in the hearts of many stoners who thought the military had taken over Marijuana. “I didn’t even know we had our own country!”
I have a prediction that in the year 2100, you’ll hear conversations like this: “I read that the president had an affair!” “What? Where did you hear that?” “In the New York Times!” “That tabloid? Talk to me when it’s in the National Enquirer.”
A lot of people are worried about the financial crisis at Fannie Mae and its sister company Freddie Mac. But I’m more interested that one of our major financial institutions is a transvestite. Freddie Mac is a sister company?
On Monday, John McCain gave a speech where he didn’t talk about Barack Obama for more than 20 minutes. Many of his supporters were glad he wasn’t worrying about Obama so much, but then they realized that he’d just forgotten Obama’s name.
They’re doing a remake of the movie “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. But don’t they usually wait until the original is out of theaters?
A 44-pound abandoned cat in New Jersey has been adopted by the Center for Treating Phobias in Mice. “Go on! He can’t catch you! Work through your fear!”
Rapper Snoop Dogg has now made his Indian Bollywood movie debut, in which he claims: “Represent the Punjabi” (true - see below). Maybe he thinks ‘Punjabi’ is a type of marijuana. “Is that like ganja?” I hear he thought it was an ‘urban drama’, and it was already too late by the time he realized it was actually a ‘turban drama’. He and the Indians also bonded over having the same attitude towards women. “Hey, these guys know how to treat their bitches!”
Engineers are trying to make the internet faster by slowing down parts of it. That’s why at my office, we sometimes drug my manager. “Urrr, was there supposed to be a meeting today?” “No, no meeting today.” “Okaaay.”
When asked why the Yankees weren’t winning more, a team spokesman said: “There’s only so much they can do. They’re not supermen.” So the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Devil Rays are supermen? Um, it’s not like they’re fighting robots.
Three MIT students have been barred from showing how to get free rides in Boston’s subway system. Yeah, we have that in New York too. It’s called “holding open the emergency exit”. How little arm strength do MIT students have?
A natural stone arch in Arches National Park collapsed over the weekend. This is the first collapse of an ancient stone arch since John McCain’s left foot.
The African nation of Mauritania was taken over by its military again. The news struck fear in the hearts of many stoners who thought the military had taken over Marijuana. “I didn’t even know we had our own country!”
I have a prediction that in the year 2100, you’ll hear conversations like this: “I read that the president had an affair!” “What? Where did you hear that?” “In the New York Times!” “That tabloid? Talk to me when it’s in the National Enquirer.”
A lot of people are worried about the financial crisis at Fannie Mae and its sister company Freddie Mac. But I’m more interested that one of our major financial institutions is a transvestite. Freddie Mac is a sister company?
8/13
1. Engineers are trying to make the internet faster by slowing down parts of it. That’s why at my office, we sometimes drug my manager. “Urrr, was there supposed to be a meeting today?” “No, no meeting today.” “Okaaay.”
2. They’re going to do a remake of the movie “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. But don’t they usually wait to do remakes until the original is out of theaters?
3. During one of his world records last night, Michael Phelps said his goggles filled with water, which slowed him down. Yeah, I know how that goes. I was going to set my personal best for most cheez doodles in one hour, but the bag didn’t open properly, and the friction from the flap really slowed me down. Plus, I injured my hand at doodle #247.
4. When asked why the Yankees weren’t winning more, a team spokesman said: “There’s only so much they can do. They’re not supermen.” So the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Devil Rays are supermen? Their competitors are humans - it’s not like they’re fighting robots or a hurricane.
5. Yesterday, John McCain said: “We are all Georgians.” And you know, the untold story here is the savings in time and money that the crisis in Georgia. Both candidates can reuse their sound bites and press releases for both Georgias, which will let them do so many other things.
2. They’re going to do a remake of the movie “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. But don’t they usually wait to do remakes until the original is out of theaters?
3. During one of his world records last night, Michael Phelps said his goggles filled with water, which slowed him down. Yeah, I know how that goes. I was going to set my personal best for most cheez doodles in one hour, but the bag didn’t open properly, and the friction from the flap really slowed me down. Plus, I injured my hand at doodle #247.
4. When asked why the Yankees weren’t winning more, a team spokesman said: “There’s only so much they can do. They’re not supermen.” So the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Devil Rays are supermen? Their competitors are humans - it’s not like they’re fighting robots or a hurricane.
5. Yesterday, John McCain said: “We are all Georgians.” And you know, the untold story here is the savings in time and money that the crisis in Georgia. Both candidates can reuse their sound bites and press releases for both Georgias, which will let them do so many other things.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
8/12
1. Hospitals in 23 states, bless them, will no longer charge for big mistakes. That’s nice. I can’t believe this wasn’t the policy before. California doesn’t have it. New York hospitals have decided that people don’t have to pay for mistakes like, this is true: surgery on the wrong body part! “Well, we’re finished taking out your kidney.” “I came here for an ingrown toenail!” “Ooo, too bad. The kidney is more expensive.” And my favorite: surgery on the wrong patient! If you went to the hospital for an ingrown toenail, and they take out your kidney, most states have no policy saying that the hospital can’t charge you for it anyway. In Georgia, they won’t charge you if they give your baby to someone else. Artificial insemination with the wrong donor’s sperm or egg in Tennessee. “Well, looks like that serial killer got to have a kid after all.” “Our kid is Chinese.” Pennsylvania: “Unexpected removal of organ” or “Unexpected amputation of limb”. Utah had a lot of radiation ones.
“Is there a Dave Johnson here?” “Um, I’m Dave Johnson.” “Okay, get him on the gurney for kidney surgery.” “But I’m just here for shingles!” “Patient showing signs of delusion.”
“How about you pay me for the nightmares that I get just reading about this stuff?”
2. Scientists say that running can slow the aging process. As long as you run at the speed of light. But then you gain infinite mass and have a heart attack.
3. The French far-right political party the National Front is selling its headquarters to a Chinese company. As long as none of the workers stay. Native Americans might be able to give you some warnings about that.
4. In India, the government has begun spraying urban landfills with perfume. Can they send some to NYC for the subways?
5. President Bush said about the Russian invasion of Georgia: “Russia has invaded a sovereign neighboring state and threatens a democratic government elected by its people. Such an action is unacceptable in the 21st century.” The 20th, yes. [Show graphic of Serbia and Kosovo.] But not the 21st. For god’s sake, we have iPods now!
“Is there a Dave Johnson here?” “Um, I’m Dave Johnson.” “Okay, get him on the gurney for kidney surgery.” “But I’m just here for shingles!” “Patient showing signs of delusion.”
“How about you pay me for the nightmares that I get just reading about this stuff?”
2. Scientists say that running can slow the aging process. As long as you run at the speed of light. But then you gain infinite mass and have a heart attack.
3. The French far-right political party the National Front is selling its headquarters to a Chinese company. As long as none of the workers stay. Native Americans might be able to give you some warnings about that.
4. In India, the government has begun spraying urban landfills with perfume. Can they send some to NYC for the subways?
5. President Bush said about the Russian invasion of Georgia: “Russia has invaded a sovereign neighboring state and threatens a democratic government elected by its people. Such an action is unacceptable in the 21st century.” The 20th, yes. [Show graphic of Serbia and Kosovo.] But not the 21st. For god’s sake, we have iPods now!
Monday, August 11, 2008
8/11
1. On Monday, John McCain gave a speech where he didn’t talk about Barack Obama for more than 20 minutes. Many of his supporters were glad he wasn’t worrying about Obama so much, but then they realized that he’d just forgotten Obama’s name.
2. Three MIT students have been barred from showing how to get free rides in Boston’s subway system. Yeah, we have that in New York too. It’s called “holding open the emergency exit”. How little arm strength do MIT students have?
3. A natural stone arch in Arches National Park collapsed over the weekend. This is the first collapse of an ancient stone arch since John McCain’s left foot.
4. A group of scientists have discovered materials that may one day be used to create clothing that makes people invisible. I thought John McCain was already wearing one. But I hear it’s already been developed by John McCain. Obama’s liberal politics. Russian human rights. Larry Craig. Ted Stevens.
5. Obama supporters can now be the first to find out his vice president through a text message service from the campaign. All I have to say is WTF? BO VP? ROFLMAO!
2. Three MIT students have been barred from showing how to get free rides in Boston’s subway system. Yeah, we have that in New York too. It’s called “holding open the emergency exit”. How little arm strength do MIT students have?
3. A natural stone arch in Arches National Park collapsed over the weekend. This is the first collapse of an ancient stone arch since John McCain’s left foot.
4. A group of scientists have discovered materials that may one day be used to create clothing that makes people invisible. I thought John McCain was already wearing one. But I hear it’s already been developed by John McCain. Obama’s liberal politics. Russian human rights. Larry Craig. Ted Stevens.
5. Obama supporters can now be the first to find out his vice president through a text message service from the campaign. All I have to say is WTF? BO VP? ROFLMAO!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
8/9
1. A man in Nigeria with 86 wives is now warning people to not follow his example. He says: “Have no more than two. Be more like John Edwards.” He also claims to speak to the Prophet Mohammad, so a lot of Muslim scholars are calling him a heretic. And even worse, he’s started drawing cartoons.
2. The African nation of Mauritania was taken over by its military again. The news struck fear in the hearts of many stoners who thought the military had taken over Marijuana. “I didn’t even know we had our own country!”
3. The zoo in Baghdad now has tigers again. The tigers are being kept in a super-reinforced cage. Not to protect visitors from getting eaten by the tigers, but to protect the tigers from getting eaten by visitors.
4. The woman who had an affair with John Edwards said that she isn’t going to seek a paternity test. Maybe this is her revenge on him, so we’ll always suspect that he is the father.
5. Kanye West is on the road in what he’s calling the “Glow in the Dark” tour. The name comes from his radioactive genitals.
2. The African nation of Mauritania was taken over by its military again. The news struck fear in the hearts of many stoners who thought the military had taken over Marijuana. “I didn’t even know we had our own country!”
3. The zoo in Baghdad now has tigers again. The tigers are being kept in a super-reinforced cage. Not to protect visitors from getting eaten by the tigers, but to protect the tigers from getting eaten by visitors.
4. The woman who had an affair with John Edwards said that she isn’t going to seek a paternity test. Maybe this is her revenge on him, so we’ll always suspect that he is the father.
5. Kanye West is on the road in what he’s calling the “Glow in the Dark” tour. The name comes from his radioactive genitals.
Friday, August 8, 2008
8/8
1. I have a prediction that in the year 2100, you’ll hear conversations like this: “I read that the president had an affair!” “What? Where did you hear that?” “In the New York Times!” “That tabloid? Talk to me when it’s in the National Enquirer.”
2. A lot of people are worried about the financial crisis at Fannie Mae and its sister company Freddie Mac. But I’m more interested that one of our major financial institutions is a transvestite. Freddie Mac is a sister company?
3. Today, the Russian military invaded the neighboring country of Georgia. Russia says that it is just protecting Russian citizens there, because people should be able to choose their own destiny! Yes! As long as you’re not in Kosovo or Chechnya. That’s different. Then you should respect a country’s territorial integrity. And almost every leader in the world called for an end to the fighting. Have you ever heard of a leader NOT doing that? “Oh yeah! Get ‘em! More fighting! Who’s got high-definition TV? National holiday so we can all go home and watch the fighting!”
4. A 44-pound abandoned cat in New Jersey has been adopted by the Center for Treating Phobias in Mice. “Go on! He can’t catch you! Work through your fear!”
5. Rapper Snoop Dogg has now made his Indian Bollywood movie debut, in which he claims: “Represent the Punjabi” (true - see below). Maybe he thinks ‘Punjabi’ is a type of marijuana. “Is that like ganja?” I hear he thought it was an ‘urban drama’, and it was already too late by the time he realized it was actually a ‘turban drama’. He and the Indians also bonded over having the same attitude towards women. “Hey, these guys know how to treat their bitches!”
2. A lot of people are worried about the financial crisis at Fannie Mae and its sister company Freddie Mac. But I’m more interested that one of our major financial institutions is a transvestite. Freddie Mac is a sister company?
3. Today, the Russian military invaded the neighboring country of Georgia. Russia says that it is just protecting Russian citizens there, because people should be able to choose their own destiny! Yes! As long as you’re not in Kosovo or Chechnya. That’s different. Then you should respect a country’s territorial integrity. And almost every leader in the world called for an end to the fighting. Have you ever heard of a leader NOT doing that? “Oh yeah! Get ‘em! More fighting! Who’s got high-definition TV? National holiday so we can all go home and watch the fighting!”
4. A 44-pound abandoned cat in New Jersey has been adopted by the Center for Treating Phobias in Mice. “Go on! He can’t catch you! Work through your fear!”
5. Rapper Snoop Dogg has now made his Indian Bollywood movie debut, in which he claims: “Represent the Punjabi” (true - see below). Maybe he thinks ‘Punjabi’ is a type of marijuana. “Is that like ganja?” I hear he thought it was an ‘urban drama’, and it was already too late by the time he realized it was actually a ‘turban drama’. He and the Indians also bonded over having the same attitude towards women. “Hey, these guys know how to treat their bitches!”
Thursday, August 7, 2008
8/7
1. Morgan Freeman, as you may know, was in a bad car accident a few days ago, but he’s doing okay. Looks like he’s going to pull through just fine. I’m very relieved. And then I looked at the news today and there was an announcement that he’s getting divorced. That puts a whole new spin on the accident, doesn’t it? “You’re divorcing me? [Act out fight for steering wheel.]” No, actually, his wife wasn’t in the car. Maybe she was too busy washing her hands after cutting the brake wires.
2. There is apparently a major flaw in internet addresses that allows hackers to send people to the wrong website even if they type in the right address. I swear that happens to me every time I try to find a post office. “324 Wilson St. is supposed to be a post office! I don’t care if you’ve lived in this house for fifty years, ma’am! You are obviously in league with the hackers. No, not hookers, ma’am. Though you are a GILF. Or even a GGILF.”
3. Scientists have now discovered people who can hear pictures. When they see images, the sensory information also gets sent to their auditory sense organs. Isn’t that called “LSD”? And there’s another guy who gets tastes in his mouth when he hears voices. Again, this is true, he says that President Bush tastes like a crusty potato. And I apparently taste like a sweaty linebacker. Although, how would he know that?
4. Some scientists have developed a procedure that can help peoples’ bodies accept transplanted organs without drugs. That would have been nice to have known in high school, since I always used drugs to be accepted.
5. After just a few months in power, the parliament of Pakistan has decided to impeach the president and former dictator, Pervez Musharraf. Are they crazy? WTF? Is there anyone in Pakistan with impulse control? So far recently, we’ve had, this is true, tire-burning riots by Pakistani stock brokers, protests by Pakistani lawyers that were dispersed with tear gas, and now the infant democracy, this electoral baby, is basically playing with a plastic bag while jabbing at an electrical outlet with a paper clip. And they have nuclear weapons! We are all so dead…
2. There is apparently a major flaw in internet addresses that allows hackers to send people to the wrong website even if they type in the right address. I swear that happens to me every time I try to find a post office. “324 Wilson St. is supposed to be a post office! I don’t care if you’ve lived in this house for fifty years, ma’am! You are obviously in league with the hackers. No, not hookers, ma’am. Though you are a GILF. Or even a GGILF.”
3. Scientists have now discovered people who can hear pictures. When they see images, the sensory information also gets sent to their auditory sense organs. Isn’t that called “LSD”? And there’s another guy who gets tastes in his mouth when he hears voices. Again, this is true, he says that President Bush tastes like a crusty potato. And I apparently taste like a sweaty linebacker. Although, how would he know that?
4. Some scientists have developed a procedure that can help peoples’ bodies accept transplanted organs without drugs. That would have been nice to have known in high school, since I always used drugs to be accepted.
5. After just a few months in power, the parliament of Pakistan has decided to impeach the president and former dictator, Pervez Musharraf. Are they crazy? WTF? Is there anyone in Pakistan with impulse control? So far recently, we’ve had, this is true, tire-burning riots by Pakistani stock brokers, protests by Pakistani lawyers that were dispersed with tear gas, and now the infant democracy, this electoral baby, is basically playing with a plastic bag while jabbing at an electrical outlet with a paper clip. And they have nuclear weapons! We are all so dead…
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
In Germany, they’re now selling a bra that is bullet-proof. And we thought men in the U.S. were obsessed with breasts. “Forget the head! We must protect the breasts from bullets!” There’s already been some interest in Hollywood, although of course most breasts in Hollywood are already able to stop bullets. There’s not a lot of organic material left in there.
John McCain has a political ad that compares Barack Obama to Paris Hilton. Hilton’s mother says McCain’s ad is “a complete waste of the country’s time and attention”. Has she ever seen a political ad before? They’re ALL a complete waste of the country’s time and attention.
A federal task force says it may be better to not do routine prostate screening at all. NOW they tell us? But what if we like it? Does it count when we have someone just playing the ‘doctor’?
Did you see the latest weather in Beijing? This is the first time volunteers at the Olympic marathon won’t just be passing out water -- they’ll be passing out oxygen tanks.
The ex-driver for Osama bin Laden has been found guilty, and the White House said that “the Military Commission system is a fair and appropriate legal process”. Which is why they tried to subvert it for years. The White House added that the continued fairness and appropriateness of the system depends on whether any verdicts go against them.
Thailand has banned the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Not because of the game’s rampant dangerous driving, prostitution, and corrupt police -- they’ve already got that in Thailand. No, they’re worried that the game might make people start growing facial hair.
Yesterday, Barack Obama said that he wants to refocus his campaign on bedrock issues. Specifically, drilling into the bedrock for oil.
It looks like smog levels are going down in Beijing just in time for the Olympics. I guess the Chinese government’s plan is working -- you know, putting a two-month ban on burning books.
Researchers now say that the world’s oldest known joke is a fart joke. It translates as: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” I think it loses something in the translation. But my favorite is a Roman joke that goes: “The emperor was out for a walk when he met a young man who somehow looked very familiar. So he asked the young man: ‘Did your mother work at the palace?’ And the young man said: ‘No - but my father does.’”
John McCain has a political ad that compares Barack Obama to Paris Hilton. Hilton’s mother says McCain’s ad is “a complete waste of the country’s time and attention”. Has she ever seen a political ad before? They’re ALL a complete waste of the country’s time and attention.
A federal task force says it may be better to not do routine prostate screening at all. NOW they tell us? But what if we like it? Does it count when we have someone just playing the ‘doctor’?
Did you see the latest weather in Beijing? This is the first time volunteers at the Olympic marathon won’t just be passing out water -- they’ll be passing out oxygen tanks.
The ex-driver for Osama bin Laden has been found guilty, and the White House said that “the Military Commission system is a fair and appropriate legal process”. Which is why they tried to subvert it for years. The White House added that the continued fairness and appropriateness of the system depends on whether any verdicts go against them.
Thailand has banned the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Not because of the game’s rampant dangerous driving, prostitution, and corrupt police -- they’ve already got that in Thailand. No, they’re worried that the game might make people start growing facial hair.
Yesterday, Barack Obama said that he wants to refocus his campaign on bedrock issues. Specifically, drilling into the bedrock for oil.
It looks like smog levels are going down in Beijing just in time for the Olympics. I guess the Chinese government’s plan is working -- you know, putting a two-month ban on burning books.
Researchers now say that the world’s oldest known joke is a fart joke. It translates as: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” I think it loses something in the translation. But my favorite is a Roman joke that goes: “The emperor was out for a walk when he met a young man who somehow looked very familiar. So he asked the young man: ‘Did your mother work at the palace?’ And the young man said: ‘No - but my father does.’”
8/6
1. John McCain has a political ad that compares Barack Obama to Paris Hilton. Hilton’s mother says McCain’s ad is “a complete waste of the country’s time and attention”. Has she ever seen a political ad before? They’re ALL a complete waste of the country’s time and attention.
2. Scientists now think that a cure for the new “super-bacteria” might be developed from maggots. That sounds like hot dogs - you may like it, but you don’t really want to know where it comes from. One scientist said that “maggots are great little multi-taskers”. Well we here at @@@ already know that! That’s why we already have several working in our office. Let’s introduce you to some of them. [Cut to shots of back office, where a person in a maggot costume is sitting in a cubicle.] This is Mary. She’s been with us for about five months. She’s looking forward to having about a thousand kids of her own some day. This is John… oh, it looks like John just cocooned. And he didn’t even ask for vacation time.
3. Scientists now say that dogs empathize with humans so much, that they yawn when they see humans yawn. Well, we at @@@ have been already aware of that for awhile from watching dogs in our audience.
4. Some scientists now say that broccoli could reverse the damage of diabetes. This in spite of another recent discovery that broccoli is the exact polar opposite of ice cream.
5. The ex-driver for Osama bin Laden has been found guilty, and the White House said that “the Military Commission system is a fair and appropriate legal process”. Which is why they tried to subvert it for years. The White House added that the continued fairness and appropriateness of the system depends on whether any verdicts go against them.
2. Scientists now think that a cure for the new “super-bacteria” might be developed from maggots. That sounds like hot dogs - you may like it, but you don’t really want to know where it comes from. One scientist said that “maggots are great little multi-taskers”. Well we here at @@@ already know that! That’s why we already have several working in our office. Let’s introduce you to some of them. [Cut to shots of back office, where a person in a maggot costume is sitting in a cubicle.] This is Mary. She’s been with us for about five months. She’s looking forward to having about a thousand kids of her own some day. This is John… oh, it looks like John just cocooned. And he didn’t even ask for vacation time.
3. Scientists now say that dogs empathize with humans so much, that they yawn when they see humans yawn. Well, we at @@@ have been already aware of that for awhile from watching dogs in our audience.
4. Some scientists now say that broccoli could reverse the damage of diabetes. This in spite of another recent discovery that broccoli is the exact polar opposite of ice cream.
5. The ex-driver for Osama bin Laden has been found guilty, and the White House said that “the Military Commission system is a fair and appropriate legal process”. Which is why they tried to subvert it for years. The White House added that the continued fairness and appropriateness of the system depends on whether any verdicts go against them.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
8/5
1. In Germany, they’re now selling a bra that is bullet-proof. And we thought men in the U.S. were obsessed with breasts. “Forget the head! We must protect the breasts from bullets!” There has already been some interest in Hollywood, although of course most breasts in Hollywood are already able to stop bullets. There’s not a lot of organic material left in there.
2. JetBlue Airlines is now charging $7 for a blanket and pillow. Now enough is enough! It should be free to suffocate your annoying neighbor [mime with pillow] then wrap him up [mime with blanket].
3. A federal task force says it may be better to not do routine prostate screening at all. NOW they tell us? But what if we like it? Does it count when we have someone just playing the ‘doctor’?
4. In Japan, a new CD is becoming popular that plays harsh noises to get the blood pumping. It apparently features just one side of a Bluetooth conversation.
5. A new study says that an injection of vitamin C may stop cancerous tumors from growing. Man, I have wanted an excuse to mainline orange juice for years. And do the injections come with pulp? Putting the “pulp” back into “Pulp Fiction”.
2. JetBlue Airlines is now charging $7 for a blanket and pillow. Now enough is enough! It should be free to suffocate your annoying neighbor [mime with pillow] then wrap him up [mime with blanket].
3. A federal task force says it may be better to not do routine prostate screening at all. NOW they tell us? But what if we like it? Does it count when we have someone just playing the ‘doctor’?
4. In Japan, a new CD is becoming popular that plays harsh noises to get the blood pumping. It apparently features just one side of a Bluetooth conversation.
5. A new study says that an injection of vitamin C may stop cancerous tumors from growing. Man, I have wanted an excuse to mainline orange juice for years. And do the injections come with pulp? Putting the “pulp” back into “Pulp Fiction”.
Monday, August 4, 2008
8/4
1. Did you see the latest weather in Beijing? This is the first time volunteers at the Olympic marathon won’t just be passing out water -- they’ll be passing out oxygen tanks.
2. Microsoft is now working on new software to prepare for the day when Windows becomes obsolete. They’re calling it Midori, which is also the name of a brand of liqueur - specifically the one that Microsoft executives thinking about the end of Windows have been drinking. A lot.
3. A lot of oysters in France are dying, because of a virus that makes them put too much energy into their sex organs. It’s kind of odd that oysters have their own aphrodisiacs, isn’t it? That’s like fish eating blueberries because they’re brain food. And a virus that makes them put all of their energy into their genitals? I think that virus attacks teenage boys too.
4. Thailand has banned the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Not because of the game’s rampant dangerous driving, prostitution, and corrupt police -- they’ve already got that in Thailand. No, they’re worried that the game might make people start growing facial hair.
5. Scientists have found the world’s smallest snake on the Caribbean island of Barbados. Previously, the world’s smallest snake was believed to be a Malibu-based paparazzi.
2. Microsoft is now working on new software to prepare for the day when Windows becomes obsolete. They’re calling it Midori, which is also the name of a brand of liqueur - specifically the one that Microsoft executives thinking about the end of Windows have been drinking. A lot.
3. A lot of oysters in France are dying, because of a virus that makes them put too much energy into their sex organs. It’s kind of odd that oysters have their own aphrodisiacs, isn’t it? That’s like fish eating blueberries because they’re brain food. And a virus that makes them put all of their energy into their genitals? I think that virus attacks teenage boys too.
4. Thailand has banned the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Not because of the game’s rampant dangerous driving, prostitution, and corrupt police -- they’ve already got that in Thailand. No, they’re worried that the game might make people start growing facial hair.
5. Scientists have found the world’s smallest snake on the Caribbean island of Barbados. Previously, the world’s smallest snake was believed to be a Malibu-based paparazzi.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
8/2
1. Yesterday, Barack Obama said that he wants to refocus his campaign on bedrock issues. Specifically, drilling into the bedrock for oil.
2. It looks like smog levels are going down in Beijing just in time for the Olympics. I guess the Chinese government’s plan is working -- you know, putting a two-month ban on burning books.
3. A new scientific study confirms the well-known saying that everybody is separated from anyone else on Earth by only six to seven degrees of separation. So why can’t I get a date? I’m technically connected to everyone on the planet! You people have to hook me up.
4. The organizers of a major convention say that the social stigma of tattoos is disappearing! And can you guess what type of convention it is? The Mormons! No, it’s a tattoo convention. I was thinking of going, since I myself have a large tattoo of Mother Teresa on my left testicle. No, actually it’s a birthmark. I have always fought the call of my destiny.
5. When confronted by the fact that China’s human rights record has gotten worse with the Olympics, the head of the International Olympic Committee said: “We are idealists.” Yes, the ideal of money.
2. It looks like smog levels are going down in Beijing just in time for the Olympics. I guess the Chinese government’s plan is working -- you know, putting a two-month ban on burning books.
3. A new scientific study confirms the well-known saying that everybody is separated from anyone else on Earth by only six to seven degrees of separation. So why can’t I get a date? I’m technically connected to everyone on the planet! You people have to hook me up.
4. The organizers of a major convention say that the social stigma of tattoos is disappearing! And can you guess what type of convention it is? The Mormons! No, it’s a tattoo convention. I was thinking of going, since I myself have a large tattoo of Mother Teresa on my left testicle. No, actually it’s a birthmark. I have always fought the call of my destiny.
5. When confronted by the fact that China’s human rights record has gotten worse with the Olympics, the head of the International Olympic Committee said: “We are idealists.” Yes, the ideal of money.
Friday, August 1, 2008
8/1
1. The town council of Lavonia, Georgia just bought a strip club for $1 million dollars. Now, show of hands, how many people want to become a government official in that town? Good to see government just being open about that sort of thing. No, actually, they bought it in order for it to go out of business. Like governments do with most things they take over. Apparently too many guys in Lavonia were going there to get some “love on ya”, if you know what I mean. After they closed it, this is true, they burned its sign in a bonfire. That’s because they’d already run out of books.
2. Doctors in Germany have now completed the world’s first double arm transplant. The only downside is that the patient’s new arms keep trying to reach up and choke him. It was later learned that they had come from a serial killer. There are now plans to see that he gets the arms of the great Mexican pro wrestler Alfonso Dantes, who died on Wednesday. Doctors think there may be a risk that the hands will be compelled to put a mask on his head, or keep tagging people, but other than that, it should be okay.
3. Researchers now say that the world’s oldest known joke is a fart joke. It translates as: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” I think it loses something in the translation. But my favorite was a Roman joke that goes: “The emperor was out for a walk when he met a young man who somehow looked very familiar. So he asked the young man: ‘Did your mother work at the palace?’ And the young man said: ‘No - but my father does.’”
4. A spokesman for Barack Obama said that John McCain’s campaign was trying to scare voters because Obama doesn’t look like the other presidents on American money. However, McCain wasn’t referring to race - he was referring to the fact that he and those presidents were all born around the same time.
5. Pakistan has admitted that there are Taliban sympathizers in its spy agency. Hey, isn’t that great! Our good friends in Pakistan. They’re learning that the best way to beat us is to pretend to be our friend, because we will trust you forever. Look at Saudi Arabia!
2. Doctors in Germany have now completed the world’s first double arm transplant. The only downside is that the patient’s new arms keep trying to reach up and choke him. It was later learned that they had come from a serial killer. There are now plans to see that he gets the arms of the great Mexican pro wrestler Alfonso Dantes, who died on Wednesday. Doctors think there may be a risk that the hands will be compelled to put a mask on his head, or keep tagging people, but other than that, it should be okay.
3. Researchers now say that the world’s oldest known joke is a fart joke. It translates as: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” I think it loses something in the translation. But my favorite was a Roman joke that goes: “The emperor was out for a walk when he met a young man who somehow looked very familiar. So he asked the young man: ‘Did your mother work at the palace?’ And the young man said: ‘No - but my father does.’”
4. A spokesman for Barack Obama said that John McCain’s campaign was trying to scare voters because Obama doesn’t look like the other presidents on American money. However, McCain wasn’t referring to race - he was referring to the fact that he and those presidents were all born around the same time.
5. Pakistan has admitted that there are Taliban sympathizers in its spy agency. Hey, isn’t that great! Our good friends in Pakistan. They’re learning that the best way to beat us is to pretend to be our friend, because we will trust you forever. Look at Saudi Arabia!
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