1. Football player Terrell Owens now has a cereal named after him, because his initials “T.O.” are the same as “Toasted Oats”. It’s like how Brett Favre became a symbol for NFL fans of getting “Butt Fucked”.
2. A seven-year-old in Utah was caught joyriding and has now appeared on the Today show. Yeah, that’ll teach him not to joyride again! “Hey, if I do illegal things, I get lots of positive attention!” This is how kids grow up to be serial killers and suicide bombers. Actually, what police are really upset about is that the kid was texting while driving.
3. A tiger from a magic show was found in a Las Vegas backyard. Something tells me this wasn’t one of the more skilled magic shows. That show is also why Vegas is now infested with rabbits and white doves. The owners of the house weren’t particularly surprised by the tiger. In Vegas backyards, people find dead bodies, Andre Agassi… tigers aren’t a big deal.
4. An escort who says she slept with the prime minister of Italy also says he offered her a seat at the European Parliament. When she noted that all the seats were currently filled, he explained that he meant on the lap of a British minister.
5. This summer, Fairbanks, Alaska has almost been as warm as New York City. It’s believed to be from the extra body heat of reporters covering Sarah Palin. They’ve nearly doubled the state’s population.
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