1. Some scientists want to stop the growth of the Sahara Desert by pumping massive amounts of bacteria into the ground, which will solidify the sand and make it completely unmovable. Similar to what happens in your bowels after eating Taco Bell.
2. President Obama has invited Harvard professor Henry Gates and the policeman who arrested him to the White House to talk about their differences. And next week, Obama will have me and my neighbor come over to talk about lawn-mowing protocol.
3. There’s a popular video on YouTube where an entire wedding party dances down the aisle to the song “Forever” by Chris Brown. Great idea, but do you really want to start your marriage with Chris Brown?
4. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has fired his vice president. Instead, he wants the one person who has most strengthened his reputation with the Iranian people, so he’s going to appoint Dick Cheney.
5. The government is going to pay people to give up their gas-guzzling cars and buy new greener ones. However, the old car has to be “drivable”, which unfortunately makes most young Hollywood actors ineligible.
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