1. The number of new unemployment claims dropped last week, but only if you use “seasonally adjusted figures”. If you use what is known as “reality”, then the claims continued to rise. For example, if you use seasonally adjusted figures, I’m getting laid all the time! But if you use crude unsophisticated “reality”, I’m still a virgin.
2. In Germany, a man tried to fill his air mattress and ended up blowing up his apartment. At least, they thought it was an air mattress until they found the plastic nipples. Apparently he likes his “women” extra husky.
3. Hackers revealed that Twitter believes it will have a billion users by 2013. It figured this out from a completely separate report predicting that in 2013, the world will have over a billion celebrities. Also by 2013, the most common Twitter message is expected to be: “I’m reading Twitter.”
4. And house burglars are using Twitter to find out if people are on vacation. Leading to a rise in messages like: “Having a great time in Hawaii! Sure miss my house full of scorpions!”
5. A new element has finally been added to the periodic table. It’s all part of the economic stimulus, to create jobs for people who have to print new tables. Like in 1933, when FDR created work for thousands of jobless map-makers by temporarily dividing the country into 5,924 states.
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