1. To provide better service, a new machine in Japan will measure whether subway staff are smiling wide enough. In similar news, subway staff in New York will be measured for how loud they scream.
2. People who are obese are at a higher risk of complications from swine flu. I can see the headline: “Pigging out ups swine flu risk.”
3. Parents in New York plan to sue the city because their daughter wasn’t paying attention while texting and fell into a manhole. In related news, parents in Arizona plan to sue after their daughter fell into the Grand Canyon while texting. “This should be covered up!”
4. Today, 7-11 stores across the country gave away free Slurpees. If North Korea wanted to launch missiles at us, they should have waited until we all had brain freeze headaches.
5. NASA had to delay the shuttle launch because of lightning strikes. Not to the shuttle, but to the crew. This is what happens when you recruit all your astronauts from the Atheist League.
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