1. Scientists say drinking five cups of coffee a day could reverse Alzheimer’s. But another study says drinking seven cups of coffee a day can make people hallucinate. That’s good. So when you’re talking to that leprechaun, at least you’ll remember his name.
2. Kal Penn, one of the actors from “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle” has become the White House liaison to Asian communities. In related news, the White House has chosen its liaison to Hispanic communities -- Cheech Marin. And its liaison to bearded Americans will be Willie Nelson. Said President Obama: “We really want the White House to bong, I mean bond, with many diverse groups.”
3. Lance Armstrong was fined $92 for showing up late at the Tour de France. Yeah, that’ll hurt. To pay that off, he might have to take yet another million-dollar endorsement deal.
4. The world’s oldest known Bible has gone online. One of the biggest surprises -- the real reason Jesus never got married is that he was gay. Judas was just a jealous about Jesus getting it on with John the Baptist. Come on, you never wondered? Slim long-haired guy, hangs around with a bunch of other guys, no interest in women. He was into wine, liked having oil rubbed on his body. “Always remember to turn the other cheek”? He wasn’t talking about the cheeks on the face.
5. A man from Arizona, whose nickname is “Pellet Gun”, has become the pit-spitting champion of the world, spitting a pit over 48 feet. So if you get into a bar fight with this guy, make sure he stays away from the peanuts.
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