7/25

1. A new report says the Department of Energy is wasting enormous amounts of energy. It’s the biggest scandal since the Department of the Interior turned out to have horrible wallpaper. And since all the staff at the Department of Indian Affairs turned out to be faithfully married.

2. For a few days, scientists have been studying a scar that suddenly appeared on the face of Jupiter. However, today Jupiter was wearing a headband where the scar had been, even though Jupiter normally never wears headbands. In other news, Clearasil reported an anonymous order for 300 billion gallons of acne medicine.

3. In England, a functional two-story house is going to be built entirely out of Legos. The best part is that if the Lego bankers ever foreclose, their hands won’t be able to hold the papers.

4. Someone left a land mine in a Denver Goodwill donation box. However, the person soon reclaimed the land mine, saying that he had actually meant to leave it in a nearby Badwill donation box.

5. Scientists unveiled a power system that can electrically charge a device without any cords, which might mean the end of power outlets. But where else will I be able to look at a surprised ghost face when I need a quick smile?