1. A Chinese man taking a bicycle vacation through Somalia has been deported from the country. The official reason? Stupidity. "We may have pirates and terrorists, but at least they're not total idiots." But why are they going after this guy instead of the pirates and terrorists? That's like getting kicked off a major league baseball team for using aspirin.
2. The world’s largest cupcake has been baked in Minneapolis. But isn’t a huge cupcake just technically… cake? The whole idea of cupcakes is to be smaller than cake. That’s like having the LEAST extreme German porn. Then it would just technically be… bestiality.
3. The city of San Diego is getting rid of seals by paying someone to walk along the beach playing the sound of dogs barking. That guy is going to look like someone who loves walking dogs, but is extremely lazy. They're worried about him being hurt by seal lovers. I would worry about him being hurt by people trying to sleep.
4. Many companies that made all the subprime mortgages are now calling themselves "loan modification" companies that will help you renogotiate your subprime mortgage. That's like the guy who slept with your wife helping you get revenge on her. "Hey, I really know about screwing people."
5. David Beckham was booed by fans in Los Angeles, because he said that he'd rather play with his Italian team. He says the level of play is better. Well, then he shouldn't have taken those millions of dollars. That's the deal. Do you think I'm challenged by playing basketball with my nephew? I only do it because I get paid.
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