A new study says that some plants can recognize themselves. Which makes it official -- plants are smarter than parakeets.
China wants to replace the dollar with a different global currency. For some reason, it’s proposing fake Gucci handbags.
Saturday is the women’s final at Wimbledon, but a friend told me that he never watches it, because he only wants to watch the best, and the men’s final is the best. I said by that logic, he should be watching a lot of gay porn. Because no one can give a blowjob like a guy. Well, so I’ve heard. But he said no, he watches straight porn because it’s even more important to root for the home team.
The Postal Service announced that thousands of post offices might be closed this fall. Yes, because the lines at post offices have become dangerously short! Something must be done to make them longer.
A cab driver near Chicago fought off a robber by spraying deodorant in his eyes. But the driver didn’t realize what he’d done until he went home and his wife screamed in pain, because he’d used Mace for his armpits.
To improve morale, the staff at a marketing company in England worked naked for a day. Considering my co-workers, at my office that would seriously decrease morale. It didn’t improve morale at this company either, but it did win them 12 new contracts from nudist colonies. And that night, they all had nightmares about going to work fully clothed.
Sarah Palin is going to resign as governor of Alaska. She said it’s time to come clean -- she’s having an affair with Governor Mark Sanford. No, she wants to have more effect on the Republican party, and these days, being a governor isn‘t cutting it. She wants to go where the real Republican power is -- Fox News.
In Australia, crop circles are being blamed on kangaroos who eat opium poppies. I can believe that. It’s like I was baffled by sugar circles in my kitchen until I found out ants got into my weed.
A recent internet video shows a church pastor trying to remove a homosexuality “demon” from a young boy’s belly. That’s better than my old church, which tried to remove homosexuality from young boys a little lower down than the belly. The pastor later claimed: “We have nothing against homosexuals. I just don’t agree with their lifestyle.” Really? Then exorcism is kind of overdoing it, don’t you think? What’s it like to hang out with you? “You know, I respectfully think you're wrong -- beer is better than wine. COME OUT DEMON!!!”
After the bizarre disappearance of Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, the Associated Press called other governors to ask where they were (true). For example, Governor Schwarzenegger was arm wrestling girly men, and coincidentally, so was Governor Sarah Palin.
The missing crown for the Miss Nevada beauty pageant has been found. Nevada senator Harry Reid apologized for the theft. It’s just that when he looks in the mirror, he needs something that really makes him feel like Senate Majority Leader.
The mayor of Los Angeles says he wants to turn the city into the world’s “green manufacturing center”. Local environmentalists were thrilled until they learned the mayor wanted to turn the city into the world’s center for counterfeiting dollars.
In California, General Motors will pull out of a factory that it runs with Toyota. Though actually, it’s not going to ‘pull out’, so much as be ‘towed out’.
When given back his wallet after 63 years, a man in Oregon reportedly said: “Oh my, the condom is still inside. If I hadn’t lost this, I would never have knocked up Mary. We might have never gotten married, and I might have actually gotten out of this godforsaken town. Thanks for reminding me of that.” Trojan has already approached him to do ads about the benefits of condom use.
Apparently one gigantic mega-colony of ants now covers at least three continents. One branch of the colony inhabits Japan, and it’s the largest single colony of hive-like creatures to inhabit Japan since, well, the Japanese.
The Washington Post newspaper was going to offer lobbyists a chance to have dinner with White House officials and reporters for $25,000. Other newspapers heard about it from lobbyists who were worried about the ethical problems. That’s how you know an event is unethical -- when even lobbyists are going: “Woah, that’s not right.”
A cop in New York made his first arrest just minutes after being sworn in as a police officer. Literally, he was walking out of the swearing-in ceremony and caught a mugger. The only faster arrest in the NYPD was when a new cop didn’t do his oath correctly, and the guy next to him arrested him for impersonating a police officer.
In California, an elementary school teacher gave kids a DVD of class highlights from the year, and accidentally included six seconds of her having sex. In her defense, it was the first time her husband had brought her to orgasm, so it was a highlight of the year.
My British friends in the United States always seem conflicted about the Fourth of July. They don’t want to be party poopers, but we are celebrating their country’s greatest-ever defeat. I mean, I’ve got nothing against my ex-girlfriend, but I don’t want to go to her annual picnic celebrating our break-up.
Despite many warnings, North Korea launched several ballistic missiles on the Fourth of July. It’s reported that two North Koreans accidentally blew off fingers. Maybe now they’ll learn their lesson.
The White House wants to make the application process for college loans easier, so that students can learn even more quickly that they’ve been turned down.
Joey Chestnut set a new world record at the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest in New York City -- 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Or as they call it on cruise ships -- breakfast.
Green is the color of the Iranian protesters, and here in the U.S., people have been supporting them since last winter.
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