7/23

1. Five rabbis in New Jersey and New York have been arrested for selling kidneys on the black market. That explains why the contribution box at my local synagogue always smelled like urine. I thought it was just homeless guys pissing in it. No word yet on whether the rabbis kept the kidney stones to make rings. “Oh, yes ma’am, that’s a very rare… yellow diamond.” One thing you can say about Catholic priests -- they never took your kidney. Maybe your kid, but not your kidney.

Three mayors and two assemblymen in New Jersey were also arrested, leading one political scientist to say this was “going to just reinforce the stereotype of New Jersey politics and corruption.” Actually, it’s not technically a stereotype if it’s true. Like that whole "burning crosses" thing just “reinforced the stereotype” of the KKK as racists. At a certain point, it’s just what you are.

2. A new study says toucans have huge bills to release heat and cool down. The study said it's similar to how elephants and rabbits use their ears. Maybe that’s how Obama stays so calm and cool.

3. A museum in the Netherlands has returned the head of a king taken 170 years ago. Do Dutch people normally take heads? That sounds more like something from a museum in Sicily.

4. The inmates at a prison in Italy are going to perform “Alice in Wonderland”. Something tells me whoever plays Alice isn’t going to take many showers with the other inmates for awhile.

5. Volkswagen is going to take over Porsche. That makes sense. The Porsche 911 always kind of looked like a stretched-out VW Beetle.