BEST OF THE WEEK

Some people say the recession is keeping people from moving, which is bad for the economy. No, if people start moving around a lot, that’s not good -- that’s because they’re hobos.

Controversial Senator Roland Burris of Illinois has decided to not run for reelection, because he says it would cost too much. Apparently with all the media attention, he would barely be able to take any bribes.

Scientists say drinking five cups of coffee a day could reverse Alzheimer’s. But another study says drinking seven cups of coffee a day can make people hallucinate. That’s good. So when you’re talking to that leprechaun, at least you’ll remember his name.

Michael Jackson’s dermatologist has denied being the father of Jackson’s children. Said the dermatologist: “I can’t be the father. I never had sex with Michael Jackson.”

A man in Delaware was arrested for driving with no pants. He was originally pulled over for speeding, because every time he tried to shift to a lower gear, he had an orgasm.

Kal Penn, one of the actors from “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”, has become the White House liaison to Asian communities. In related news, the White House has chosen its liaison to Hispanic communities -- Cheech Marin. And its liaison to bearded Americans will be Willie Nelson. Said President Obama: “We really want the White House to bong, I mean bond, with many diverse groups.”

President Obama is visiting the African nation of Ghana, and one town there has suspended all funerals (true). They’re hoping maybe Obama will bring the corpses back to life.

Scientists in Britain say they’ve created sperm for the first time in a laboratory. I beg to differ. Last year, I took a tour of a lab, and when I lost the group for awhile… well, those white coats were just too sexy to resist. The scientists say that it will take five years to perfect the technique. No, trust me, it takes at least fifteen.

A drug that might greatly extend lifespans has been found on Easter Island. It’s apparently the reason for the long life of Easter Island’s indigenous marshmallow animals.

President Obama met with the Pope today. Not for any political reasons, but just to compare their cool custom-made cars.

A graveyard in Chicago has been accused of digging up bodies and reselling the graves. How surprising that was in Chicago. The deal was, they had to get someone else in there once the dead person voted. Didn’t they realize relatives might come to visit? “Grandpa wasn’t named Veronica. Unless there’s something he never told us.” And haven’t the movies taught us that this is a bad idea?